Life After Tampons

Do You Smile When You Should Roar Instead?

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Jennifer

flickr, lambtofa

If you’re the woman who’s smiling on the outside but dying on the inside – even a little – this post is for you. If you live every day in complete authenticity, you get to sit this one out. But, if you could do a sister a favor first, please just stop reading, skip to the comments, and let us know how you did it.

For everyone else, read on.

I’m in the first group, so I’ll read it with you.

It’s all your parent’s fault.

Ha! Gotcha, read on.

But it kinda sorta is. Here’s why:

The Lesson of Delayed Gratification

When you are growing up, it’s really, really really important that you learn the skill of delayed gratification. So we teach you that. Your parents, your teachers, your other adult role models all work together to teach you how to put off the things you want TODAY in service of longer term stuff – like education, jobs, mortgages, the illusion of security, and the like.

Our society needs you to do that. And so do our kids. And your boss. Lots of people would prefer it if you stopped what you were doing for yourself so you could help them get the stuff they need.

And you need to do that too, so you’ll have a paycheck, and a place to live, and blah and blah and blah and blah.

We in agreement here?

Anyway, unfortunately, what happens to so many women, is that they don’t keep one eye on themselves while they’re also practicing that delayed gratification thing. We’re gonna take a turn. We swear we’re gonna take a turn. But we never quite get to that part. In other words, we’re good at delay but not so good at enjoying (and insisting) on the “gratification” part.

Over the years, we keep delaying our turn. And then, we get completely tuckered out. And then, maybe we get pissed. Or maybe we get depressed. We get really really angry at the “takers” in our lives. But there’s a problem with that, too. Because, if we’re really really honest with ourselves, we have to own that we were the ones who showed up for all that volunteering.

In other words, we were volunteers, not victims.

And guess what!!! That’s the really really good news. Cause we’re gonna volunteer for something else now!

For the next little bit, one day at a time, let’s make a conscious effort to direct some of that loving discipline that we’ve been giving out (the “delay” in “delayed gratification”) back to ourselves.

We need to do this next list of stuff instead. Every day. (There’s nothing flashy about this list, you already know them):

Nourish your body – eat well and move your body
Nourish your mind – challenge your brain daily
Nourish your heart — RECEIVE love, don’t just give it (click to tweet)
Nourish your art – create something regularly
Nourish your spirit – meditate, pray, connect with your Divine core

Caution: Trap Ahead!

So, we get grooving on taking our own turn. But then we start to make THIS mistake: Ever so slowly we yield time and space for these activities because other stuff “flares up temporarily.”

So, we help out in those emergency situations. We tell ourselves we’re gonna get back to the gym, or our healthy food plan, or the art studio, but then we just completely wear ourselves out doing the stuff we think we have to do first.

That works for a bit. And there are crunch times when that may even be really, really “necessary.” But, if we’re honest about it, we have to admit that the season of difficulty has long since passed and we are justifying donuts for breakfast and lunch at the desk and all sorts of other things that, over time, make us sick in body, mind, and spirit.

The thing is, love, only YOU can decide to make things different. Only you can stop on the way home and pick up some real and nourishing food for yourself. Only YOU can lace up those sneakers and get out for some fresh air today. Only YOU can sign up for that jewelry-making class you’ve been talking about for ages.

I get it. I’ve been there, too. But, a couple of years back I completely committed myself to taking action on my own behalf TODAY. And, one day at a time, every day I wake up, if it is TODAY, I simply show up for myself again.

And guess, what, love? No one around me has been injured in the process. In fact, my marriage is better than ever, my guys are thriving at school, my finances are solid, my dreams for myself and my future feel ELECTRIFIED. I’m strong and fit and happy!

And you can get there, too. It’s not as big as a deal as you think to get going. In fact, it’s just the opposite.

All that is essential is to:

begin
with baby steps
allow the smallest possible improvement each day
but, stick with it. Consistency is what matters.

And I’ve got a plan. It’s coming your way soon.

In the meantime, let me know what you need in the comments below — OR, share with us the last time you had a fake emotional response. And WHY? I’m going to tell on myself in the comments today, so go take a look.

And here’s what I ask, if you are the woman who NEVER makes a comment, you have to go FIRST. That’s right. Get over your bad self and reach out. Just this once. Because that’s the kind of itty bitty risk you need to take to get out of the rut you’re in.

Love, Jen

P.S. Here at Life After Tampons, we begin with the Breakthrough. So get your free copy (of my book) here. After that, though, you’re going to need a strong strategic plan for your comeback. I’ve created a Comeback QuickStart Guide for you. Let me know where to send your copy (and other tips) below.

Photo: Flickr, Lambatofa

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged gratification, power, roar, strength, women | 28 Comments

FOMO

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Jennifer

flickr, jenny downing

So, some friends of mine got chosen to do something really, really cool.

I was not.

Now, it’s true that I get to do lots of really, really cool things. And you know that I really really love my life with The Italian and our last two of SIX sons in the woods.

But, I didn’t get to do this one thing with these really cool people. And it ate at me a bit.

My super-cool super-hip super-fly friend, Kris Carter, explained to me that that awful feeling of rejection/anxiety about not being picked by others or picking the “wrong” thing myself, is what the super-cool-hip-fly people call “FOMO” — Fear Of Missing Out.

Well, let me tell you something, while I’m not completely super-cool/hip/fly in the same way as Kris is, I’ve SUFFERED from FOMO for precisely ALL of my life, and here’s what I know:

FOMO’s a MOFO!

In its more benign incarnation, here’s what FOMO looks like at restaurants: You order the filet, but your dinner partner orders the scallops. You spend the whole evening regretting that you didn’t order the “right” thing, because, “after all, you don’t really get out much (pity me, pity me), and this was a really, really expensive supper so you know you aren’t coming back any time soon, and why didn’t you just order the scallops, dammit? You’re such a dumb ass. You ALWAYS pick the wrong thing!”

(That last little bit was FOMO adorned with a dollop of self-hatred.)

Your FOMO meltdown is all top secret, of course. To the outside world, you look like a woman interested in the conversation over supper, but you’re not completely present.

FOMO makes you lose the precious present. Regret is like that.

If you have FOMO, and you don’t KNOW that your fear is what’s REALLY driving you, you are at risk of making all sorts of big mistakes in life. When they’re honest about it, lots of women will admit that the reason they got married was because all their friends were already married and they hadn’t found the “right” person yet, but “this one is pretty good and, after all, my ovaries are going to shrivel up any minute now. Besides that – what if they don’t work at all? After all, they’ve never been tested and if we have infertility problems that could take years to iron out so, ‘yes, dear, I’ll marry you.’”

In lieu of Mr. Right, we go with Mr. Right Now!

We take jobs we don’t want, because, “after all, it’s a really prestigious firm and ANYONE would want this job” and that’s how we end up at IBM instead of the Peace Corps.

There is probably some sociological or anthropological reason for a person’s tendency to fear that they are missing out on the good stuff in life. Maybe it has something to do with inclusion and building societies of interdependence or something like that there.

But I’m curious about the spiritual and emotional costs of living a life that is driven by the anxiety and fear of missing out on stuff.

One problem that I see with FOMO, is that, to the exact extent that we allow our minds to spin with fear, worry, and regret about our choices and non-choices – to just that extent – we squander the Precious Present.

As much as we might think we are multi-tasking, the truth is, our brains actually process sequentially. It’s lickety split for sure. But still, we can only think one thing at a time. Every moment that we live in fear and anxiety, we are NOT living in spirit, love, and grace.

But how do we stop the insidious noise in our heads that tells us that we are not “yet” enough, that something better is right over there, and that we are missing out and, “after all, now that more than half of our lives are over, we just can’t afford to screw up anymore? As time goes by, we have a more and more acute sense that “time is running out” so we’d better hurry up and “fix it all NOW.”

Unfortunately for many of us, our sense of urgency bumps up against our lack of clarity about who we are TODAY and how we want to live these last decades of our lives. These two competing worries – our sense of urgency coupled with our lack of clarity — create a huge delimma that feels insurmountable. This state, exacerbated by FOMO, creates all sorts of real challenges for women at midlife.

In fact, many of us — at least for a short time — shut down completely. We find ourselves overwhelmed. Discouraged. Depressed. Afraid. And deadened to our world.

As I said, FOMO is a serious MOFO, to be sure! (click to tweet)

So what to do?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had any real and lasting results with the strategy of completely eradicating anything. It seems the more I insist that I’m going to stop doing something that is not good for me, the stronger that inclination becomes.

I’ve found that outflanking stuff works better. Here’s what I mean: I’m much more effective at changing my thoughts, habits, and behaviors when I accept my brokenness completely and decide to try and live increasingly more successfully alongside my fear, sorrow, anxiety, worry, and the like.

Here’s how:

Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Accept that there will always be a modicum of “not knowing” in life and CHOOSE to see that as a beautiful mystery rather than as a problem to be solved.
Let yourself off the hook. Whether you think you “deserve” it or not, it’s simply not strategic to bitch-slap yourself into a better way of living. Be kind to yourself so you can give kindness to others.
Learn to think of opportunity as ever-present and eternal. It really is rare that you don’t get a do-over in life. If you decide not to take advantage of something that comes your way, remind yourself that all of life is replete with beauty and abundance and that that means more will be coming your way. In fact, it’s probably already there, you just can’t see it because you are so attached to your fear.
Look for beauty. Everywhere. Because, if you do, you will find it.

Remember this, love: YOU are enough. There is enough. There will be enough. And that this truth is eternal. All is well. All will be well.

LEAN INTO the Precious Present. And insist on enjoying each moment and the choices you make (or don’t make) as you go along.

Blessed be. Amen.

Love, Jen

photo: flickr, jenny downing

photo: flickr, hamed saber

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged anxiety, beauty, fear, FOMO, grace, living, overcome | 24 Comments

All Your Beautiful Edges

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Jennifer

flickr, hamed saber copy

This morning, I talked to one of my favorite friends and colleagues. She is absolutely one of my favorite creative people because she’s so fully ALIVE. (You know what I mean when I say that, right?)

Anyway, this morning was no different. She’s traveling, and working, and making art, and launching a workshop, and visiting family and friends, and working on her own personal reinvention thingy – and – and – and.

She accomplishes so much, and yet I never get the feeling she has that manic “driven” energy about her. She’s serious about what she does and yet she’s playful as well.

This morning when we spoke, she says “Oh good, you called at the perfect time. I just finished my ‘out-of-town’ cry. It seems like I have to cry in every major city I visit.”

Of course, I laughed. Because watching her is so gorgeously beautiful and entertaining. And it made me think of something else I’ve been thinking about for you.

The thing my friend does so exquisitely well is that she LEANS INTO all the edges of her life. She fearlessly acknowledges and explores all the highs, the lows, the loves, the losses. She explores them, and then she lets anything that is not useful go. I’ve seen her do this again and again and again and again.

I try to live this way as well, but I’m a little slower to let things go. I seem to have to extract every last little ounce of usefulness from stuff, and sometimes that makes the experience of life a little less flavorful than I’d like.

The nuances of daily life are so exquisitely beautiful if we can –

– slow down enough to be present for the precious present (click to tweet)

– wear all of life lightly. Neither minimize, nor dramatize.

– laugh more often

– spend more time with friends

– make some kind of art regularly

– protect our beautiful hearts from over-exposure to negativity

– that means we don’t engage with people, media, and situations that leave us depressed and drained.

Today, I invite you to wipe all emotional and spiritual slates clean. If you can’t do this, can you at least give yourself, say, a 30-day moratorium on guilt and worry, so that you can lean into the more cheerful edges of your life?

If you gave yourself that sort of forgiveness, what one funnest thing would you do first? Start small. What one funnest thing – that you could do in the next 15 minutes – would you have the courage to try?

Please go do that thing now, and, in the Wisdom Circle comments below, share about your adventure.

Love, Jen

photo: flickr, hamed saber

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged beautiful, courage, creativity, life | 7 Comments

What if Nothing Ever Changes?

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Jennifer

flickr, woupidy

What if nothing ever changes? What if nothing ever gets any better? What if “this” is all there is, and yet “this” simply is not enough . . . okay . . . acceptable . . . what you want?

These are the questions I’m asking myself this week. Here’s my confession: I have a very vexing problem. It has dogged me my entire life.

No matter what I have, I want something else. I want something “other.”

I don’t want “this.”

And whatever “this” is, no matter now accomplished I get at “this” it is never ever completely enough. Whatever I have, whatever I do, whatever I achieve, when I finally get “there,” I want something different.

Recently, I had two very big professional “wins.” They were both things that I had worked towards for a very long time. They were both things that I had previously set aside as “pinnacle” achievements in my profession. Until I accomplished them (My book and The Huffington Post), I told myself that either would be a CLEAR indication that I was successful.

And yet, when each of these things finally happened, I had absolutely no sense of accomplishment, or pride, or self-congratulations. In spite of what I had always told myself, I DID NOT feel like, ‘Yes! I have arrived!”

In fact, what I really felt after these accomplishments, was that I must not have set the bar very high in the first place. In other words, if I could achieve it, it must not have been very difficult after all.

My inability to feel happy or proud of my work extended outward, too. When others acknowledged my achievements, I felt absolutely nothing. I couldn’t take it in. I could not receive the praise.

I secretly felt like I had somehow been dishonest with others. I had the thought “Yeah, well, if you only really knew me and what I was like, you wouldn’t want to … be my friend … hire me … publish my work… have one more thing to do with me EVER.”

Joy just doesn’t stick to me.

Difficulty does. Worry does.

But joy? Praise? Recognition? These things slide right off of me into the dust at my feet.

I have always had an anxious personality. I have a habit of scanning my environment looking for things that are off, or broken, or lurking about in such a way as to suddenly lurch up and hurt me.

Psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally, I know WHY I am that way. I have teased out the origin of this problem and I can cogently discuss the particulars of how I developed this particular coping mechanism. And yet, understanding WHY I am a certain way does not alleviate the suffering I inflict on myself because of the problem.

I KNOW why I am the way I am. I KNOW that it was a very early survival mechanism. I KNOW that it has to do with abandonment and the high conflict behavior of those who came before me.

I KNOW all these things, and yet, when it comes to helping myself by “changing” this part of my personality, I am utterly and completely powerless.

Self-knowledge avails me NOTHING.

I simply want things to be different. No matter what is going in my life, I find a way to recalibrate the yardstick that I’ve set for measuring my success in such a way that always has me coming up short.

And I’m sick of it.

I want things to be different. In fact, I want the fact that I want things to be different to be different. You tracked that completely, right?

No matter what I have, there is at least some small part of me that wonders if the other thing could have been better. And, no matter where I am or what I am doing, there is usually a part of me that is outside of my own experience, wishing and longing for even the slightest little modification with what IS.

I want things to be different. I want the way that I am with myself to be different. And yet, in spite of the fact that I am an EXPERT in the area of change, and adversity, and triumph, this is one aspect of my personality that simply will not yield.

I am powerless to change myself. I’m powerless to change you, too. I know this. And yet, I’d still like to change the fact that I can’t change myself.

It’s a maddening, exhausting, behavioral habit and, by writing this to you, I am fully conceding to my innermost self that I am beaten. I am flummoxed. I am unable to change this thing about myself.

I surrender.

So, as I hit the wall of unrequited longing once again, a new idea occurs to me.

What if “this” never changes? What if “this” is the best I can do? What if my career is never really going to be any more that “this?” What if I never achieve the things I hope to achieve? What if this – this very moment right now – is the absolute best it will ever be?

What if this is the best I ever get or am in life. What if this is what my body just looks like? What if these really are my thighs?

What if I never really set aside enough for old age? Will that be enough? Will I be okay? Will I be able to provide for myself? Will it even matter that I was here and can I make peace with this? Can I rightly relate myself to this truth about myself? Can I learn to live serenely with this completely broken part of myself? Can I stop seeing myself as broken, in fact?

What if I’m not broken?

What if the parts of us that resist change aren’t supposed to change? (click to tweet)

What if they are put there to remind us that

* we are human, not divine,

* we therefore must seek, one day at a time, to connect with the Source that is

* our brokenness is actually the beautiful “hook-up” that allows us to have compassionate love for our sisters because self-acceptance is the key to other-acceptance?

In other words, what if our broken place is actually the crevasse upon which God can get a foothold and build a society of people that – TOGETHER – one day at a time – provides hope and healing and sustenance for the whole?

What if our flaws are essential because, accepting them, allows our species to work together toward a greater good that transcends any one person’s personal ambition?

What if this is all there is and, in accepting “this” we actually acknowledge the miracle of grace in our lives?

What if nothing changes? What if nothing ever gets any better? Do I need things to get better? Or, can I trust that, even if it doesn’t I will be safe, I will be provided for, I will be okay in the world?

It’s fascinating really. My anxiety developed because, from the earliest age, I didn’t feel safe in my own world. The anxiety triggered the behavior of STRIVING and LONGING that keeps me dissatisfied. The dissatisfaction triggers my need for the healing power of grace, and my forgetting, triggers the whole pattern once more, so that – again and again – I must surrender to my own humanity and ask for help from that power that is so very much greater than I am.

What if nothing ever changes? Well, fortunately for me, in my own experience, Source never changes either. And, as I see myself devolving again and again and again in this own hamster wheel that I don’t seem to step away from, I am reminded once again, that faith never changes.

Source never changes.

Instead of trying to change myself today, I will instead connect myself rightly with Source. I will co-create with God today.

And that will be enough.

Love, Jen

photo: flickr, woupidy