Disclosure: This post is more aspirational than experiential. While it’s been some years since I could teach Chicken Little a thing or two about falling skies, I’m still more snorting thoroughbred than zen-like yogini. All tips and pointers are especially welcome today.
Before we fall in love with each other completely, I want to have a “full disclosure” conversation. So here goes – although it may look like it here on the page . . . I’m not always calm, wise, and serene.
Phew – I actually said it.
But, here’s the thing, love — ohohohohohohoh, how I aspire to be!!!
When you’re the kind of kid who has her first strategic plan for happiness by the age of 10, you’re not exactly inclined to chillax. Extreme hyper-vigilance was an early emotional survival skill of mine.
Even after I no longer “needed it,” I still made a practice of scanning the environment for any signs of attack – especially during times of peace.
The unintended consequence of all this “watching” was that there were never really times of just complete joy and serenity.
If I was “accidentally happy,” I JUST KNEW I must have a blind spot to danger somewhere. And so I continued to look for trouble until I found it.
And of course, “trouble” always complied.
For some years now, I’ve been going for a new kind of life. I’ve learned that serenity is absolutely delicious, and because I’m mostly all about “more,” I’m learning to be an active seeker of peace.
If you too seek a life of “sane and happy usefulness” then maybe what I’ve learned about serenity can be of use.
1. First, a Definition – “serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within it.” Therefore, serenity is not dependent on anything outside of myself. It is an inner state. Take the focus off of your circumstances and put the focus on your choices.
2. Reverse Your Focus—The foundation of your natural state is Joy – Not Chaos. Learn to see chaos as an aberration – a veritable blip on the timeline of your life rather than as life just falling back into its natural sucky state. This is a powerful antidote for hopelessness, which comes when I start saying things like, “What’s the Use . . . . ?”
3. Stretch Your Happiness Muscle – Play “Serenity Connect the Dots” with yourself. Begin wherever you are, and search for your first grateful thought. Then, start the game. The goal of the game is to consciously connect that grateful thought with the next idea of appreciation. And that one with the next. Allow no quarter for negativity to take hold.
4. Love Yourself Through Failure – When you catch your brain focusing on crap rather than joy, just lovingly put yourself back on task. In other words, avoid hating on yourself when you miss the mark. Bitch-slapping yourself into happiness is not really a sustainable blueprint for progress.
5. Minimize and Eliminate Recurring Sources of Trouble. You’re not responsible for what other people do or don’t do. But YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for whom you have in your life and HOW MUCH GAME TIME you give them.
6. Be a Grown Up. Pay your bills on time. Be scrupulously honest in all your affairs. That way you NEVER have to look over your shoulder. I can’t tell you how much peace I have from living a life of rigorous honesty. I’m the same “Jennifer” wherever I go, which means I no longer have to remember which version of me you’ve met.
7. Practice Meticulous Self-Care – only allow the very best of EVERYTHING into and through and onto and toward your actual body. It’s truly time for us to put on our Big Girl Panties and ACCEPT that we function better when we take better care of ourselves. Eat well, move your body, play with only the nicest friends, take naps, create beauty, and go to bed on time.
8. Organize a Mini-Rebellion – Schedule an “I’m a Bad Ass” Day. Take a day off, sleep in late, eat breakfast in bed, get your nails painted and your belly pierced (it doesn’t hurt all that much – certainly not as much as pushing a baby out of a hole the size of your left nostril!)
9. Learn to Adore Yourself. Honor yourself. Celebrate who you are and how far you’ve come. It’s funner to be with people who really, genuinely like and honor themselves. PLUS!, When you like yourself, you’re less likely to be pulled into situations that will bring you down.
There you are, lovey! Fired up for a day of serenity? Or are you feeling a bit discouraged by the stuff in your head and just need a girlfriend to listen?
Either way, let us hear all about you and your One Beautiful Life, love. The Wisdom Circle comment space below was created JUST FOR YOU!
Love, Love — Jennifer
Photo: Flickr, photo fiddler
Oh I could so relate to this post Jennifer! I am always wearing my night vision goggles to make sure nothing is lurking in the dark!
But I’m learning along with you. After you’ve actually encounter a few of those lurking things, you realize they won’t kill you. Sometimes it takes experiencing the worst to relax about life. Great post and wonderful writing as always!
Thank you, Barrie. I swear we’re soul sisters!!!! Love, J
I absolutely love #7 ! I have a note page on my smart phone called “Sass” where I put notes to myself and I’ve copied #7 into that page. I often share these notes with my new, nice friends. Thanks for sharing!
A SASS page. What a great idea!! I want one.
Thank you for this post…just what I needed to read to set the tone for my day. I am going to post this on my fridge and read it each morning!
Wow, that’s amazing. I’d love it if you took a picture of it on your fridge and sent it to me. jennifer(at)lifeaftertampons(dot)com. Thanks, love.
You are such a good writer. I love every post. But…with that being said we need to talk about your need to pierce every part of your body. Last week your nipples this week your belly button. lol
Funny girl. Wait until I start in on the ink!
Thank you Jennifer !! Just sent link to this to about 25 friends.
How, lovely. Thank you!
Add one more and I’ll print em’ as my 10 Commandments! You. Are. A. Genius!
What would you suggest for the 10th???
Love, love, love it! Especially proclaiming an “I’m a bad-ass day”. Brilliant. In fact, I will make it today. IABAD. Yay you!!!
How did your Bad Ass Day go? You’re always welcome to do two in a row!
Sigh…yesterday and today’s posts resonate deeply. I use to be so fearless; in the big and small things, I took life by the balls and never gave much thought to ‘what if I fail?’ I had always been taught that failure is the point where learning starts…and so, I lived….
…and then something changed. I am not sure how or why I let it, but I recognize that it did, I did. I let how others reacted to my life create a fissure within my soul, when people I loved seemed affected by/invested in my successes/failures at an age when such opinions mattered. My once clear perceptions of self became a fun-house mirror, distorting my self-image with the ‘relevant’ reactions of ‘other. Suddenly, ‘they’ had more credence than ‘I’… suddenly, I found I was afraid of failing, afraid that my best, which had always served, was not good enough; fear found fertile ground and took root.
Now, in this second half of life, I have found-like many, here, have written-that I am reclaiming my sense of self and wondering why I didn’t catch on earlier…the only person who walks my road, start to finish, has to live my choices, is me. That simple truth and the fact that I had forgotten it, did, I admit, lead to several sessions of shadow boxing and ‘bitch-slapping’ as you so aptly put it. As my rage subsided (and I will say, it held sway for quite some time, so ticked at the time lost), I took myself on retreat, gave myself the pep talk I give my students (‘we are put here on this earth to be human and all that is inherent in that; it is not an easy road, so be gentle with yourself, because if not you, who?) and, finally, I resolved to start saying ‘yes’ again. Big or small, it matters not; at least once a day, I try to say ‘yes’ to something which causes my gut to tighten with ‘no, I couldn’t’. I am learning, anew, that, alas, I can.
Enjoy New York!
Thank you, love. I really get this. I’m learning that whatever I place in my “magical magnifying mind” grows. The other good thing is that, now that you’ve been to the gates of hell, you will be able to reach and sustain even greater peak performance. Sorrow digs a trench that joy fills.
Keep coming back!
Jennifer,
Wonderful post! Living as “Chicken Little” for the majority of my Life, this was a timely reminder that the Sky is not falling, but is in reality beautiful hues of blue with pinks, oranges, and pallets of other glorious colors marking both the beginning and end of each day. I suspect when we are younger we become addicted to the chaos that colors our lives ~ not only embracing it, but fueling it! Therein lays the beauty of where we are now. I’ve finally come to the realization that after all I’ve been through (I too, have lost a child amidst many other Life tragedies); there’s nothing I can’t handle.
PEACE is its own journey. It must be first accepted as a possibility before it can become a reality that tears down the veils of illusion we created for so many years. The remembrance of the terror trails we traveled tends to become “Memorex” ~ that is, tapes that continually rewind in our fear-fraught, overly conditioned minds. Stopping the runaway brain-train must be a conscious effort. These days when “Chicken Little” starts running around screaming, playing the same old game, the little red Hen looks up, smiles, gives her a hug, and lovingly suggests crossing the road to play on the other side.
I LOVE your gorgeous imagery. I hope you’re writing somewhere.
Just realized my website, but for one letter, could be AnyWhinyThing. Okay, that was off point. Here’s what I want all my nervous sisters to hear: you’re not deficient; you’re awesome. See, having a great deal of anxiety and focusing on the negative are survival characteristics left over from prehistoric times. The Zen cavewomen perished. Only those blessed with nervousness survived, because WE sensed danger in any form before the others. Now in 2012 that skill isn’t needed as much anymore, but we’re still the Alpha gals of the veldt. Too bad about the fact that, now that we live so long, the cortisol that kept us alive for the first twenty years now hangs around and corrodes our pipes and kills us. Can’t have everything. So learn to breathe and calm yourself, because it’s in your genes. And give yourself a pat on the back for being so good at survival.
I LOVED reading this. And you’re insight about your URL made me giggle.
I love the idea of “serenity connect-the-dots.” This afternoon my 16 yo daughter came home from school upset, and tearfully unloaded all the bad stuff of her day. When she finally named something good that happened, your post came to mind, and I suggested we try to connect some “happy dots.” It sounded silly, but after each thing she said that was good, I said, “there’s another happy dot.”
Jennifer, you just never know how or when your words will land. Thanks.
THANK YOU for sharing this with me. You know, we are all having these “ripple effects” on the world, whether we choose good or we choose bad. And, how fortunate for your beautiful daughter, that she has a mother who is invested in personal growth, gratitude, and love. How many young women her age are in that state, and don’t have that shoulder to cry on and wisdom to borrow.
What an amazing job you have growing and loving your beautiful teenage Future Wisdom Circle member. Namaste to you both.
You’re a scream. Love this post. I’m sending it out on my Twitter and Facebook links. Great stuff. I’ll have to visit again and read some more.
All the best,
Judy
Why THANK YOU, love!
I set my goals interminably high sometimes … er … all of the time. I also have a habit of looking to the cream for examples to live up to. Goals + cream = impossible! This week I’ve questioned everything I’m doing … my art (is it good enough), my guitar lessons (if I can’t do something immediately then I get frustrated), and, and and …
I look for approval from other people when I should be listening to myself for approval. The truth is, my art is uniquely me and I really do pick up learning the guitar quickly. I’m in the midst of several steep learning curves (add teaching a class I haven’t taught before to the list) and I’m in no (wo)man’s land in terms of understanding all these big things at once. So, I shut down and give myself permission to crash and eat a lot of junk food.
My husband and I are in the process of cleaning out our house in hopes of selling it by the end of the summer, so we carted off a bunch of stuff to Goodwill today. It feels good to keep chaos at bay. There’s so much more stuff I want to get rid of. As I get older I am valuing simplicity more and more. I want to pare down things to just the necessities (mostly).
Hey, babe. When i got home last night, there was a note from the milkman. He told me to tell you that YOU’RE THE CREAM. Love, J
You’re good.
Thank you, love.