The other morning was the funnest ever coffee shop morning! We joyfully welcomed home a friend who had been gone for some weeks. She had us in stitches with tales of her travels. Later, a different friend shared that as she was leaving the shop another woman stopped her and said, “I’m glad you’re leaving.”
I guess we were too happy.
Here’s another one:
Since I launched our Life After Tampons community in February, I have a “friend” who no longer returns my calls. I’ve known this woman for more than twenty years and yet, every time something good happens in my life, she goes away.
Here’s another one:
One of my newer friends is a super-busy-successful entrepreneur, mom, wife, etc. Whenever she shares with a certain group of people close to her about something amazing that is happening in her professional life, they insinuate that the way that she gets so much accomplished is by neglecting her beautiful, extraordinarily well-loved children.
It’s a poor strategy for living to try and bring yourself “up” in the world by lowering those around you. Nevertheless, lots of people live this way, and those of us who aspire to inspire have to find a way to deal with people who want to Pee in our Wheaties instead of just enjoying their own breakfast.
By the way, don’t you love that word “insinuate?” It s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sounds like a s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-snake.
And snake-like it is. When you “insinuate” something, when you are indirect and manipulative in your conversational style, you s-s-s-s-sneak up on people you are supposed to love/support/encourage and s-s-s-s-strike out in ways that undermine their success/happiness/joy.
It’s weak.
It’s underhanded.
And it happens all the time.
Let no one tell you that your success won’t cost you.
It will.
It is going to shine a light on everything and everyone who can’t support you in the new life you want to build.
Sometime I allow the insinuators in my life to take me off my game. The threat of the loss of their “love” is too frightening, and I shrink back a bit from my dream.
But when I’m really, really honest in these circumstances, I see that it is already too late for this relationship anyway. Their bitter strike at me – whether overt or covert – leaves a trace of their hate-filled venom that, if unchecked, poisons my joy at our relationship.
And I know it has to stop. Either the strikes, the poison, or the relationship.
Change changes things.
Sometimes, even though I want to change my life, I don’t want anything else to change. It’s like firefighters managing a “controlled burn.” I want a controlled burn of change in my life. I want JUST THE THINGS I WANT TO CHANGE TO CHANGE. I don’t really want collateral damage.
I don’t want my relationships to change. It saddens me. It’s uncomfortable. It slows me down, makes me question and doubt myself.
But doubting myself – in proper proportions – is part of it, Sweet Pea.
If someone reacts negatively to the “newer” you, it is appropriate to take one very small step back and evaluate what has changed. Dig a bit beneath the surface and check out their response. Ask them about it. How much truth is there to what they say?
If you need to make amends then do so.
But if not – if it’s just another case of a person who is threatened by your new joy, then you have to take a different step back. You need to consider if the price of keeping this person happy is worth the price of giving up the change you hope to make in your life.
The people in our lives are mirrors for us. Our reactions to their reactions reflect back to us what we believe about ourselves, about friendship, about success.
This is a gift.
Angry people are a gift. Bitter people are a gift. Unhappy people are a gift.
You don’t want to spend your whole life in the “gift shop,” but you do want to open each instance just a little to see the truth behind it, because that truth will show you how you need to be with this person moving forward. If it is a relationship that you want/need to keep in your life, then YOU get to change.
Why continue to put yourself in a position to be harmed? Simply save your joyful sharing for the people who can support you. Keep the more broken people at arm’s length.
How can we develop the best possible relationship with every person we know? Sometimes the best POSSIBLE relationship is a surface one, sometimes it is a very deep soul communion, and sometimes it’s complete withdrawal.
Stay in touch with beautiful you as you expand yourself into your new life. If you’re really, really honest with yourself, you’ll see what you need to see.
Which may or may not be what you want to see.
No matter.
Take a look anyway.
Loving you with no strings attached, Jennifer
Photo: Flickr, Pink Sherbet Photography
Very wise thoughts. Thanks Jen! I’ve spent enough years trying to “justify” my happiness to others- sometimes to the point of balancing it with equal amounts of woes in my communication. Happiness does not have to be a byproduct or reward of struggle. Happiness can be the foundation. (I love your description of insinuate, by the way!)
Okay, Beth, your comment was so extraordinarily helpful to me today because I never really thought about it — but I TOOOOOO have tried to “balance” my exchanges with negative people so that I “darken down” my side of the chat.
aaaaaaaagh!!! Thank you for helping me see this!!!
I so hear you! I am a very positive person and have learned that it is my responsibility to myself to maintain my level of happiness no matter who is in the room. You will find the stronger you get at keeping your happiness alive, you will attract the right people into your life. The negative nellies will either rise to your level or disappear. Honestly, why would you want them there anyhow?
Truly, I aspire to get better and better at my own responsibility for my own happiness.
Your post is right on. When I have changed through growth I have found some friends fall away. It is a natural part of evolution of self. I grieve the loss of those I loved. I might wish they still loved me, but it is useless.
I find new friends. For me the process has been long in finding new friends who are, literally, on my wavelength. In the end, I am happier to have friends who reflect me and honor me as I am, in my new level of consciousness.
Thanks for bringing out the dynamic so clearly.
And THANK YOU for affirming my experience. I also want to remember to try and not cut people off in my life when they grow outside of my comfort level, too.
Perfect description of evolution! It is exactly my experience.
Thank you, Marian. I’m so happy you’re here!
Happened at the church singles group when I entered a committed relationship. People who barely knew me were telling me what a huge mistake I was making when they’d never even met my guy and “friends” insisted I was abandoning them because I was going places without them. You find out real fast who your real friends are when you succeed at something … sometimes those friends who go by the wayside are family members. Staying away from toxic relationships is harder when it’s family.
Indeed. But so much of life is about learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I’m so happy you have found someone who you are happy sharing your life with.
J
This hit me at the perfect time! I was just worrying about how certain friends were going to react when I launch my new business. A big part is worry that they will be envious of my happiness and potential success. Like Beth, I often find myself playing down my successes in order to make others more comfortable. That has to STOP.
At the same time I like and respect many of my old friends and I don’t want to lose them. But it occurs to me: who knows? I may be surprised how people react if I stop downplaying myself. It might not be as bad as I think.
You’re right. We need to give people credit IN ADVANCE for their awesomeness. And check in to make sure that our fears about how we think they “might” react aren’t really more about our own issues with success and deservedness. J
Wow. This is soooo real right now in the beginning of new growth. It’s not me. I can safely kick the negative charges to the curb. Yay YOU!!!
I try to kick my own negative thinking to the curb, but be more generous with others. Everybody has the right to be wrong — which is a good thing — since I find myself there pretty regularly. Thanks for taking a moment to write in, Margie. And CONGRATS on moving forward with that new growth!
I love all the wisdom here! And it’s always good to read that “we are not alone”.
Thanks Jennifer
Nope. We’re not alone. Yay!
Love this Jennifer! I too downplay my happiness and success sometimes and I am working on NOT doing this. Interestingly, I find that when I do allow myself to get caught up in someone’s negative reactions to my successes that an odd thing happens: I too start to focus more on the things not working so well, allowing them to gain more traction rather than staying positive. So here’s to staying positive, celebrating our successes and living joyfully. No apologies. xo
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!! Me too!!!! We’re doing it together though.
Jennifer, Great job. What good advice, that sometimes the best relationship with someone is little or nothing at all. Don’t continue with a toxic relationship. Love you and your post. xxoo
Thank you, Brendy. If we see our resentful coffee shop friend, we’ll have to invite her to join us next time. You’re the best, love!
A very close loved one has had health issues the last few years. As I have had to take over, physically, emotionally and financially – and help this person in many ways, I have endeavored to always be as cheerful as I can. I mean, I didn’t want to make the other person feel as though their illness is a burden to me. I am glad to help, so very thankful my loved one is still here on Earth. However, my gladness makes them upset. I have even heard that I am ‘too’ happy. I suppose it reminds them of better times, but the constant trying to bring me down to the sadness level is a strong pull. I am also lucky to have an equally strong supportive group of women – mother, sisters, friends, co-workers – who remind me that the shoulder they give really doesn’t make me lean all that more, it stands me up straight and tall.
Although I feel and share my loved one’s pain, it is a shame this person cannot find the joys in life as they are now. And, there are still so many JOYS out there!
Understanding your posting oh, so completely!!!
Hi, there. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. It’s hard to be around people who are chronically unhappy. I’m so glad you have also surrounded yourself with supportive people. When I’m in a longer term tricky place, I have to remind myself EVERY DAY to pull back and get that perspective I need.
I hope you come back and stay with us. We can help, too. Jen
Thanks so much for the post! Am dealing with a father who is sick and in the hospital. My mom is at my place for the duration. Both parents are as negative as they come….but I am their only recourse! HELP!!! Will try to remember that I can still be positive even while they try to drag me down!!
Did you see Sandie’s post right above? Please make sure you have a self-care plan. Love, J
For the VERY first time in my life I do not have a ssssnake in my direct circle of friends. I do, however, as you know, have some slippery little bastards trying to wriggle their way in! For the VERY first time in my life I am standing up to these people in a way that is AUTHENTIC to me and it feels oh so good! I love you beautiful, brilliant, woman! Thank you for your magical words!
Go beautiful Kelly. I love how you are modeling all of this for your girls.
Thank you for this — what a brave piece. I so admire the honesty and frankness of your pieces and how much they address those more difficult aspects of our life with clarity, generosity, kindness, and forthrightness.
Why, thank you, Georgia!
There are times when I come across someone(s) (You and LAT) or something (say a book), which is exactly what I need to get through. Then there are times when I come across someone (You and LAT) or a something (say a post), which validates the journey to that point. This post and the various responses has been that for me. Every major growth spurt in my life has thrown the ‘do I shine freely, or but a bushel basket over this?’ quandary at me. It creates a tension between self-esteem and being ‘self-absorbed or self-promoting’ when faced with the type of person who doesn’t use milk at the appropriate times. Isn’t it amazing that it is something so many of us face when we reach, grab, attain.
I have spent the beginning of this second part of life dealing with those misconceptions, and trying to let the people who perpetuate them, fall away, if that is their will…and man, is it liberating! Having said that, it is not easy, is it? How crazy-surprising it sometimes is, when those sssad little ssssnakes (so love your characterization!) show themselves. They are not bad, just not who I thought they were in the context of friend. I am getting better at accepting that they may merely be the ‘reason’ people from the saying (paraphrased)…people enter out lives, be it for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.’ I try to be grateful for the lesson and the fact that I have life-timers with whom I enjoy the real ‘stuff’. It’s a reminder that I don’t really like Wheaties, anyway.
Thank you for this…it is a perfect reminder to shine while ever supporting the lights around us!
You are so welcome, love. Thank you for taking time to share your love with me. I so appreciate it!
“I gratefully accept my abundance knowing it positively affects others”
This was an affirmation that a friend and I came up with one day. I was telling her that it seemed every time something good happened to me something bad happened to a different friend of mine. At first I thought it was a yin/yang type of balance. So I was reading “The Secret”, and I realized, our lives are the manifestation of our thoughts. So, when I am happy, she is jealous…thus, she attracts more negative into her life. Once I realized this, I dealt with it much better and felt no guilt at all. And I don’t lessen my success. If I feel good, I tell the world!!
Thank you again for a wonderful reminder of how much I have grown closer to uncovering my authentic self.
I love your affirmation. Please come back and continue to share your beautiful wisdom with us.
I love everything you write, and I love your energy and the way you are such a sweetie pie. I love that you are wise but also a joker and not afraid to make fun of yourself. Lastly, I feel bad that I can’t slow down enough to savor and respond to every one of your mahvelous posts, Jennifer. So now you know, sweetie pie.
Oh my goodness, you just made the whole week for me. Thank you, love. thank you thank you thankyou!!!
For the majority of my life I’ve not allowed myself to shine. Every time I tried, somebody was ready to knock this bitch back into her box…where she belongs. Some do it so smoothly that you hardly notice it. I’ve sabotaged my own dreams in a million obscure ways to avoid the pain.
A few years ago I decided that was going to change. I will permit myself to shine…to hell with the consequences. I’ve been working hard toward that promise since. In my mind I’m already the success I envision and work toward daily. Just waiting for reality to finish catching up.
I’m loving the journey but, oh my, the backlash! People, especially loved ones, will strike the minute you challenge their comfort zone through your better self. Their feeling of inferiority brings out their worst. How dare you be better? How dare you make them feel smaller?
It hurts. It no longer harms. I no longer permit it to.
I dropped off the victim in me at least 10 stops ago. By no longer selling myself out for the sake of others, I’ve discovered happy. I’ve re-discovered me.
You are NOT alone. There are a LOT of amazing women here at our Life After Tampons community embracing similar kinds of courage. Keep coming back. J
Thank you Jennifer and I will. The women here sure are couragous and inspiring