Yesterday, I woke up bald. (Or, nearly so. At least, it FELT that way!) This is the story of the ensuing FREAK SHOW!
The Deets: I can’t see so clearly without my trifocals, but I must have caught the light just right as I was washing my face.
Rinsed. Then went to “arrange” my nearly-natural blond tresses, and there it was – er, WASN’T!
A big old patch of nothingness where my left-side hair line used to be.
As, I said, “freak show.”
So, I looked on the other side. WTF?!!! GONE, TOO!!!!
Tears, wringing of hands. Call to doctor.
* * * * *
My body is NOT fully cooperating with me and my Big Dream these days.
I’m “not quite menopausal” and it can’t decide what the eff it wants to do with me.
Hot flashes come. They go.
Night sweats come. They go.
There’s a new layer of reptilian skin on my jawline. But only in patches, for your viewing pleasure.
I’m crying all the time. (Making up for those 17 tearless years after my father died.)
I’m up. I’m down.
I’m brilliant. I suck.
Geez!!! Who invented this menopause SHIT!!!
Met with spiritual advisor. Discussed that aging is full of loss – in this case, “loss of beauty.”
Decided to write about it.
In the meantime, had to get “Ask Jen” out the door. Because I promised.
Limped along because that’s what commitment looks like. And also because Tuesday I stayed in bed drooling on myself. AND because I can’t be a midlife reinventionist . . . midlife midwife . . . midwife revivalist, if I’m not actually LIVING this stuff I write about.
Well, I could be. But I’d be a liar.
And, I’m not.
So, I made the video. Which took a little longer than I thought it would.
Halfway through, I decided to take my nose ring out. Because it looked like the hugest ever Wart. Blackhead. Boil?
Well, SOMETHING unacceptable. (loss of beauty, again.)
Made video.
THEN, had the “pleasure” of putting that damn nose ring back in.
Dealt with the blood.
Thought of new blog post – “Vanity Hurts. But, Hey. It Hurts to be Beautiful.” Because that’s what my mom said my grandma told her when she whacked her over the head with the hairbrush whenever my mom squirmed at grandma’s ritual grooming ministrations.
Off to doctor.
The dreaded scale. What the eff???????
Nurse took off two pounds because I was wearing jeans.
If I could, I would have her baby for that.
EXCEPT, I CAN’t!
Because my EFFING ovaries have decided to move on.
In stages.
Because it’s funner that way.
AND, they can’t make up their EFFING mind about the whole thing, so they come in and out of retirement.
My doctor is a man. We’ve been together a while. Almost as long as my first marriage. He’s a nice guy. He shakes your hand when he comes into the exam room.
I tell him I’m sure I have thyroid disease.
He smiles. And says . . .
Blah, blah, blah, blah, . . . OVARIES . . . blah, blah, blah blah . . . ESTROGEN . . . blah . . . could take SEVERAL EFFING YEARS (okay the swearing was happening only in my head. Because he’s a gentleman. He shakes your hand when he says ‘hello’ and everything.)
I cry. Because it’s what I do, apparently.
Geez. There she is again, “Jen – showing her ass!”
So, discuss options. And Male-Patterned Baldness.
Apparently, that’s temporal.
Unless, of course, it’s not.
Either way, I’m glad I didn’t go to the barber shop and get my whole head shorn. Which was actually one of the first “solutions” that came to me after finding out that I was nearly bald.
Came home. Briefed husband, who was an effing nurse “back in the day.” (It scared him really bad when I told him about my shaving the head solution. That part was fun.)
Husband’s bedside manner sucks. Because he’s a scientist. Remember. It’s me. Husband. Six sons. Even the cat and the dog have peenuses in my world!
Not a FUNctuing ovary to be found ANYWHERE.
So, back to husband. He listens. Nods. Looks likes he’s grasping for a good response.
Because, IRONICALLY, his “go to” comment whenever he doesn’t know what to say is – get this – I’m NOT LYING –
His “go to” statement when he is stumped by a woman is,
I LIKE YOUR HAIR!!!
Which he obviously can’t use at this particular time.
If he wants to live.
I dared him with my eyes, though.
THEN, because god has NO END to his sense of humor, we had our regular Thursday night DATE NIGHT.
So I got to cry at the Pho restaurant. And then we got ice cream. I ordered two scoops and he goes, “Well, I guess you’re not ALL THAT WORRIED about losing weight.” Which was not only stupid but EFFING BRAVE given the day I had.
And – here’s the ONLY part of the day I regretted – I changed my mind and asked for just one scoop.
I know. I know. I’m hanging my head in shame a bit over that.
Anyway.
We get home. Make it through the rest of the night.
Get ready for bed . . . AND then????????
I GET MY PERIOD.
How was your day?
Love, Jen
Photo: Flickr, eelco
Oh, my gosh. Crying (and laughing) right along with you! This part of physical aging is so schizophrenic. The only consistency I find is that I’m constantly eating humble pie as anything I ever took pride in about myself ( and I didn’t take pride in much) devolves. At least we can share our stories with others and laugh!!
Tracey, sometimes I explain my mental fog like this, “Before I had kids, I was really, really smart. Now, I’m just really, really charming.”
This is hilarious in all its painful realness. Because sometimes life’s events tip toward absurdity and you have no recourse but to laugh.
I disagree with one thing: you will NEVER experience loss of beauty. You are beauty, to your very soul. Your beauty and grace has nothing to do with hair and neck and anything on the physical plane.
That’s just the fun stuff we get to play with.
Thanks for being you, for sharing you, and for growing you.
In two-scoop solidarity,
Cynthia
Thank you for the two scoop solidarity part. Truly, I love you!
Awww Jen I can relate. I started my new blog, Did you say diabetes because my body doesn’t seem to want to work for me any more. Age 40 something sucks!
Shawn, so freaking ironic.
You FINALLY get it all together. And then? Then it starts falling apart.
After our child bearing years, mother nature’s plan is to get us out of the way to make room for the generation behind us. She doesn’t give a *hoot* about the individual! Just the species.
Fortunately there are things we can do to slow down the effects of aging and become *biologically* younger. Movement is key. A whole food diet is beneficial…think hunter and gatherer.
Decrepitude does NOT have to be inevitable.
What I’m trying to say is, you don’t HAVE to start falling apart so soon!
The more I learn how to make mother nature think I’m younger than I am, the easier it is to fool father time, and the better I feel.
Thank you, Connie, for taking a moment. “Decrepitude” is an awesome word!!! It sounds like just what it is, too. Decay — aaaagh!
As usual, you are writing about what my life is like at this exact moment! My body is doing the back and forth thing also- in menopause, then get my period. I say, bring it on already- enough of this in one day, not quite in the next. Why can’t we just reach a certain age and step over the line; make a clean break of it.
Yep. I actually said this to my husband last night — “How the fluck can this POSSIBLE be part of evolutionary need.”
And then we talked about how none of us were supposed to live this long anyway.
As I said, married to a scientist. sigh.
Jen, this is so funny it almost made me start my period. And I haven’t seen mine in nearly a year!
You have to love that dear husband of yours — trying so hard and then commenting on your ice cream. I’m surprised the cone and ice cream didn’t land in his face!! Why don’t you try planting some grass seed on the bald bits — or better yet, some daisy seeds. You’ve inspired me to change the name of my blog to “Live Bald and Bloom”!!
Thank you, Barrie. Here’s more crazy. I almost used a euphemism for “period” because I was so embarrased to write the actual word. EVEN THOUGH MY BLOG is titled, LIFE AFTER TAMPONS!!! Crazy.
As the other ladies have said already…. hilariously real. And to think we have what 10 years of this?????
you need to laugh and cry or you would go insane!
Yes. I wish we all lived close together so we could go for mani-pedis and lunch.
It was nice of you to post this on the very morning that I noticed the severe lack of hair in my part line. I looked once, twice, three times, moved my hair around a bit, backed away from the mirror and attributed it to “bad lighting”. I don’t have time for hair loss today.
I love reading your blogs because they reassure me that Yes! I’m normalish and that other people are going through what I’m going through, they just don’t share it. Thanks for sharing.
Normalish. Perect way to describe it. I’m sorry for your hairline situation.
I gave this to my husband to read. It got both laughs and weird glances in my direction. Lately, I’ve been dropping menopausal tidbits in his lap to prepare him for what he’s in for….very soon.
I figure it doesn’t hurt to give a guy a head’s up….
I’m thinking he may bolt… I’m thinking I might too…..hmmmm wait a minute…damn
It’s never too early for a man to learn how to not say dumbass things to his woman.
ahhhh jen … just one scoop? did they top it with sprinkles for you?
feeling for you and laughing with you.
… curse the bus it should have waited! …
sometimes having a body sucks … found out today that i am not fit enough to run after the bus
and as the others already said: you are beautiful.
love ya
Thank you, love. I’m not really a sprinkles gal. more like hot fudge.
we can have both! and even cream
So effin’ funny and true! Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one and starting my day with a laugh!
Well, beautiful, Lori. Thank YOU for letting ME know I’m not the only one. J
Why, oh why, can’t I lose hair from my chin or nostrils? No evolutionary sense WHATsoever.
Indeed. My point exactly.
OMG!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! I’m not the only one!!!!! I have the only non-working ovaries in my house, too!
There is so much hair in my sink every morning that I swear I’m going to start collecting it in a zip-lock bag and either make a wig from it or use it as replacement hair when the bald spots begin to show in visible places!
Just be glad that you don’t have to deal with all of that and muster up the courage to go to a J-O-B everyday where there are constant reminders of what life used to be like (20/30-something females with no wrinkles, all of their hormones (and hair) and firm butts!).
Their turn is coming. That’s what you just gotta keep saying to yourself.
I love your humorous highlighted points and I join you in the freakin’ department about hair.
Did you know that the mid-life hair loss has a lot to do with Vit D? I’m not tellin’ ya you will have a “miracle grow” affect, but, it does help the amount of loss most definitely. We need those extra quality minerals everyday.
The other thing I want to say is when I women can drop the F-bomb in such a way that lightens up a room filled with hormonally frustrated women, this is a women I want to spend some time with.
Regardless of how thin your hair is….you are stunning from the inside out, and I hope you keep your freak show mojo going. It is refreshing.
So, drink more milk? Anyway, thank you for that “Stunning” part. I’m gonna make my husband print your comment out.
Nope, I don’t do much dairy. Quality supplements via a nutritionist will do most women more good than hormone treatment. Are we worth the out of pocket expense,
(as my guy says sometimes). Quality B Vit. with D is very different from “cow juice”. Cow juice is not what I mean. And YES,…Stunning, F-ing Funny, and Courageous, your guy is one smart man ;o)
Ab-sa-f__ing-lootly
Oh my gosh. I’m 49…having lots of those symptoms…had never thought about the possibility of losing my hair. I’m recently divorced, all I need now is to lose my hair on top of everything else. Being newly single at this age is not what I had planned for my life.
Oh, babe. I hear ya. Did you see my “about page?” Stick around. We’re gonna make something amazing with your new freedom. Let me know how I can help!! J
Oh my gosh, I’m laughing my a** off!!! This WOMANifesto is hilarious! My period has been gone 1 year and a half and I’M looking for it.
Well you do have beautiful hair, regardless of where it is or isn’t. I’m grateful for the gray ones, whichever lips they surround. ;-D
Keep those ovarations coming! XO
Oh, my. Just. Oh MY!!!
Love it ……”womanifesto”
The ladies are right Jenn: Funniest post on menopause EVER!!! I am right there with you and the other ladies!
I have just about gotten used to the hair on my upper lip and chin and have the hair remover cream to prove it.’
I have gotten used to my ever graying hair and have the gray hair to prove it. My sister (who was behind me in the back seat as I was driving one day) says, “Sandy! You have a bald spot on the back of your head like Mom!” as she is fluffing and fluffing with her fingers! How I didn’t drive off the road and have a cat fight with her right there I will never know!
Since then I have noticed I am developing the same kind of bald spots in the front on both sides of my forehead as you my lovely! At least you can DO a comb over! I have the curliest, wildest hair EVER and the only solution I have come to is to tie it back for now. I am going to be the biggest freak show EVER. Afro with bald spots!
I keep saying that old age for a woman has many ironies. You finally get the washer and dryer you needed when the kids were little, and the big house you always needed after raising your kids in an 800sq. ft. house. You finally get the money to go on all those cool vacations but no kids to go with, and my favorite one of all: YOU GET BOOBS!!
My biggest irony. After a lifetime of having A- boobs and a husband who always wanted me to have a C++ cup, now I have the C++ cup and a husband who doesn’t give a shit!
Thanks a lot!!
Last paragraph is my fav. What IS with the boobs, anyway????
Ok, learn something new every day. We are gonna lose our hair?? Nobody told me.
Not necessarily, Martha. It “depends.” And it “may” come back. Feel better?
Yeh, it totally sucks to find parts missing or growing extra things that shouldn’t be there (read moles). I try not to look. I think I know why women wore long robes, dresses and other body covering items. Why is our culture stuck on showing skin and flesh? Not good when we get old. I have thought of getting a bikini — if they are made in my size — and brazenly going where only the European women go. To the Beach! Do you think I’d get a ticket? Indecent exposure.
oooh, I LIKE that idea! Send in a photo. You can be our trendsetter for that. Jen
Stopped back here again to share that my balding spots above my temple have come complete w/ those red age spots. So along with the receding hairline it’s like i’ve got built in “red lights” screaming for people to look closer at what i lack. Not fair!! i’m getting myself at LEAST two scoops of ice cream later – one for each red spot!
LOVE everyone’s comments! <3
Oh my. BLESS YOU TRACEY. I feel so much better.
Thanks for helping me laugh out loud! I truly needed that today. Seriously, men shouldn’t be allowed to be gynecologists. They’ve got 3 body parts too many that must compete with the cell receptors of the empathy variety! I do feel for your husband – the only thing more perfect would have been if he’d ask you (right after you got your period) if you wanted to “get lucky”. As a nutrition coach, please allow me to give you permission next time to have 2 scoops. Because (and I’m quoting my nutrition professor here, who only ate raw chocolate), sometimes ice cream is the answer!
Okay, you’re right. The “do ya wanna get lucky” line would have made the whole thing perfect. We’re all so much more similar than we think.
I’m only laughing because I can so totally relate. Thanks for the laugh….now I’m off to check for bald spots. One more thing to freak out over!
DON’T LOOK. Keep your beautiul denial, baby. Except when it works against you.
OMG I laughed so hard at this post! And oh…..I can relate. And that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Me, too. I’ve read it over and over along with all your comments and I just keep looking at all of this, my hairline, and the skin, and it all, and all I can think of is — REALLY???
Jen…I know the freak out! When my dad died 26 years ago, I was so stressed out that I work up one morning and had a quarter to fifty cent size spot right in the back of my head near the top. Here I was a married women and I called my poor mom freaking out. Went to the doctor and he upped my anxiety meds. Took it about 6 months to fully come back. Hang in there.
Well, that is a scary story. You were probably better off calling your mom when you got your bald spot. My husband probably wishes I had thought of that first.
Take heart, Jen. It’s not “true” hair loss. Just give it a chance, when it has the opportunity, it’ll reappear even thicker and more luxurious than it ever was – on your chin, of course. Natural law. Gravity works ;D It’s keeping in step with the gray hair migration phenomenon. Every once in a while I check the soles of my feet just in case.
love’n'light,
Patty
I feel so much better now. Off to check my feet. J
This post is exactly how I feel now. Hot flashes, night sweats, happy one moment, and suddenly wanting to cry in the produce section in the store for no reason. I read it to my husband (he is being so patient through this, but I can tell he doesn’t quite understand) and we both really thought it was funny. Thanks!
Freaky, isn’t it??? I can so imagine your poor husband’s expression while you’re reading this to him, too. I’m so glad you found your way here, love. Jen
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For a second there I thought I wrote a blog and forgot all about it! Cause I thought only NYers did all that swearing
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one going through this nonsense! MY POOR HAIR!!!
I have been able to save and retrieve most of the fullness in my eyebrows and eyelashes with castor oil but the front of my hairline is just vanishing! I keep seeing more and more scalp in the mirror. I NEVER saw my scalp when I did my hair! I don’t mind the gray if only I can keep the volume!
I have only one thing to say to this aging nonsense—-GO ON A HONEYMOON ALONE!!!!!
Against all the odds I laughed at this – I am preparing to move house so nothing is funny right now.. That was so funny and so true. My body didn’t know what it was doing for … well, it seemed half my lifetime while I went through the menopause. My luscuious locks are not so luschious anymore but my eyesight is not so good either so may I suggest you leave your glasses downstairs when you are doing your hair upstairs. Ignorance really is bliss. And – why is it called MENopause anyway, its nothing to do with men. And as for your husband, he gets 10 out of 10 from me for being brave enough to take you out while your hormones are sorting themselves out. Don’t worry about extra ice cream either, those extra calories will fill out the wrinkles.
Keep smiling
Gwyneth