For many, many years, I wanted things to be different. By “things,” I mean my life-situation, the things that happened to me, the way people were, the things they did – or didn’t do.
As a young child, I wanted my father to come back. After he died, I wanted him to be not dead. I wanted a different childhood, with a different story, a different family disease.
The first time I fell in love, I fell hard.
But then, I wanted him to be different, too.
After I graduated from college, I went to work. I wanted work to be different, less patriarchal – less “good ole boy” and more inclusive.
The one time I remember that everything was “perfect” was when we were expecting our first baby. Finally! It was different – just the way I wanted it to be.
For about five seconds.
Because the baby died. Other babies eventually came, but the death of that baby and the way it changed each of us took its toll on our marriage, and that ended, too.
It wasn’t FAIR.
And it wasn’t Fair that my Unfair stuff was harder than everyone else’s.
Okay, well maybe there were starving children in India. And, well, okay – there was all that female mutilation happening to girls in Africa. Well, now that I think about it there probably are SOME women trying to raise their children in chronic civil war, and unrest, and disease, and scarcity.
But among ME and MY CULTURE – yep, it sure did suck to be me.
The whole time I’m feeling this—the whole time I’m repeating my tale of unjust woe to myself and whomever I could corner to listen – that whole time, I know in my heart of hearts that I’m being ridiculous.
But, love, it was just TOO HARD to me.
But, mercifully, someone helped me see that, if I wanted to have hope for a beautiful future, I had to GIVE UP ALL HOPE OF A BETTER PAST!
You know, love, a lot of stuff in our world “just isn’t right.” The stuff we see, the stuff others do, the stuff that’s taken away, the stuff that finds its miserable way into our lives, a LOT of it truly, truly TRULY is unfair.
But what is fair anyway?
Is it fair that I’ve lost one child, but had three healthy ones, while some other woman who desperately wants to bear her own children can’t?
Is it fair that – purely by virtue of the circumstances of my citizenry and not because of any greatness in me – I got a free and amazing education? That I have a lifetime option to work hard and create a better life for myself and my family while women in other countries can’t even get a basic education because they were born the “wrong” sex?
“Fair” is relative. Who decides?
And even if you’re right, and you have the crappiest UNFAIR out there – So What? Now What?
If you want a better life for yourself, the one thing that you ABSOLUTELY MUST give up is ALL HOPE OF A BETTER PAST.
To the EXACT extent that you hold on to your “story” of “life done me wrong” – to just that extent do you squander all hope of a better future. You simply can’t build something lovely and promising on a foundation of bitterness.
You can’t attract the help you need if others shy away from you because your chronic self-pity is so difficult to be around. Would you want to invest in someone who was so broken all the time?
And it’s not just the distant past we must release. It’s what did or didn’t happen last weekend, last night – hell, even this morning.
And the way we do that is we –
1. Practice radical acceptance of EVERYTHING that comes our way. This does NOT mean that you are “okay” with everything no matter what. It means that you never pretend. Look your life, your relationships, your current circumstances fearlessly in the eye. See each for what it IS rather than what you want it to be, or think it ought to be, or COULD be. What IS – nothing else.
2. Are entirely willing to let go of your past – your “story.”
3. Neither minimize not dramatize.
4. Handle what needs to be handled. If something needs to be changed, change it.
5. Then, let go.
6. Actively seek and maintain a grateful heart.
7. Get some killer mindfulness practices in place – learn to live in the present – WHILE IT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
8. Practice love and service. All the time. Love. Serve.
When you begin to live this way – when you commit to letting go of all hope of a better past – then you can mindfully point the work you do TODAY toward creating more possibility in your life.
Self-pity and happiness are mutually exclusive. That means you have to pick.
What will it be? (Stake your claim on your own joy. In the Wisdom Circle comments below, let us know what you are willing to let go of today.)
Love, Jennifer
Photo: Flickr, Neal
Along these same lines, we also can’t put all of our focus on something better TOMORROW. When we’re always looking for something to happen before we feel better/good about our life, we completely miss the special moments of today. Living in the moment can be a real challenge but is so worth it
Thanks, Jen.
So right!!! It’s that FLOW between reflection and ACTION. Thanks, Debi.
the fact that my parents did not how to nurture, or love
did not KNOW how to…….sheesh (sigh)
Hi, Nicole. Thanks for writing in. Isn’t it cool that we can give ourselves what we think we didn’t get?
YES
I choice joy. Nobody else cares about my crap and if I give my crap to much attention it gets to powerful. So, I try to learn from it or ignore it.
Spot on!!!! Not giving that crap no nevermind today.
Jen,
You’ve hit on the secret to happiness: giving up on the hope for something or someone to be different whether past or present. The only thing over which we have control is ourselves in this moment. In another moment, poof! it’s the past.
Today I’m letting go of my adult children being anything but who and what they are rather than what I want them to be.
I’m going to share this post and your blog with my book club where we’re currently reading Eckhardt Tolle’s The Power of Now. Go figure!
Thank you for your openness and invitation for us to join you there.
Flora, I love your posting. I’m doing the same thing- letting go of expectations of my adult children and letting them create their own lives. Power of Now is a great book for a book club.
Thank you, Flora, for your wisdom. There is so much peace in letting go. It’s the “circle backs” that give me trouble — that’s when I forget and pick it back up.
J
Oh, Jennifer, the wisdom you share! Some of life’s greatest challenges involve acceptance and letting go of the past. We can’t move forward until we do…and it feels sooooo liberating. Thanks for this important share!
I hope other people get the “speed learning” course, Michelle. I wasted a lot of time trying to get this one. J
I need to look at my “circumstances fearlessly in the eye,” and take action without worry or pondering worst-case scenarios.
I must stay positive, trust Life and have faith.
Indeed. Me, too.
Jennifer,
Thank you for this moving beautiful piece.
You touched my heart today.
I reflected on how I used to be that person holding on
to an unfortunate toxic past and how far I have come to embracing
a new future, with the spirit that was always inside me, but got lost
in the rubble until I found it again and allowed it to be FREE.
This is a lovely and thoughtful testament for those of us warriors out there
who have had to fight to reclaim who we are and I am grateful to you for honoring your own process in a way that you bring light into my own.
Heart Felt Thank you.
I wished I said “That you bring light into mine”
Now I have and I Thank you again.
That’s the thing about light — mine is reflected from my teachers, you see it and yours reflects back. Thank you for being part of the light, too, love! Jen
INDEED! I go right along with Flora – needing to let my adult children be who they are and stop wishin and hopin they’d be someone different. Accepting that I am the age I am, with a limited future just like every other human who ever lived. Acceptance is huge.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Acceptance is huge. AND, if we really want that Killer Second Journey a REQUIREMENT. cause there just isn’t time any more to spend it in someone else’s sandbox — even if that someone DID come out of my very own uterus.
Wow! The last 2 post are like having someone share my skin. It is at once eerie and comforting that this path is not so uniquely lonely as it seems sometimes.
Today, I let go of the perpetual sense of loss I have been feeling, of late, born of the changes in my physical abilities and my recently created mental list of should haves (I don’t know why, but I have been reliving all of my most humiliating moments during the witching hour that is the 3 a.m. hormonal wake-up call). I turn my focus to what I CAN do and what is abundantly available to me for develop in the here and now. With each step in this direction, I feel the old armor fall away, letting lightness and hope fill the void.
Jen, your posts are such a beautiful mixture of the raw and relevant; your message is made more precise and powerful via your unique style. Last weeks post had me laughing and in tears, simulateously. Thank you!
So you’re a candidate for Rogaine, too, eh? I’m glad you’re feeling better. Love, Jen
ah…for me it is a hormone induced follicular condition, mimicking acne all over my scalp, back, chest and face-so, acne creme is my creme of choice…but, yeah, feeling better. Hoping you are, too, Lady of light!
oh, and by the way…my laughter was not about hair…my heart hurt over that. Rather, it was over your apt description of the annoying habits of the reproductive system as it pulls up roots (at least that is how my experience is feeling these days as my ovaries feel like theya re doing that, quite literally.
OMG. What else is there to say? OM-Flucking-G!!!!!!!!
Jennifer, this was a fantastic post! However, I would respectfully suggest holding on to “those stories,” but only loose enough to share with others who may face a similar challenge!
Thanks, Tor. Your stuff is, of course, your stuff and, whatever it is, is the raw material you have to work with. I understand your nuance here, and celebrate it with you!!!!
J
Love the idea that you have to GIVE UP ALL HOPE OF A BETTER PAST. Yesterday I had to admit to my loving and much loved spouse that I had dissed him in front of one of our employees. It wasn’t a bad diss, but it was bad enough. I had to give up all hope that I could change it. I did it. It was done. Now how to minimize the damage. I wanted to sweep it under the rug. Pretend that I had never. But I knew that he could find out about it. I knew that he indeed may already know about it and be deeply hurt. I had to give up all hope that I could change the past and deal firmly in the present. I ‘fessed … and of course in light of my bringing it up, it was not that big of a deal, to him. We even had a little of a laugh about it… but not about him… about my old character defects that like to rear their ugly scar faces from time to time. Sigh. Thanks for the topic, Jen. Lots to think about.
Thank you, Sandra, for your totally brave share. Truly, truly. I loved the part where you came clean and, of course, it wasn’t nearly as bad as keeping the truth to yourself.
It works. If we work it! Love, J
Excellent post!
My husband, who is a prize winning goat show’er always says, “Fair is a place you show goats.” For the more “civilized”, I say, “Fair is what you pay to ride a bus.”
I want to show goats!!! Yes, I never even heard of such a thing, but, now that I have, I feel certain it would be AMAZING!!!!!!!
I’m letting go of what didn’t happen in my career. I’m going to drive down the freeway and throw the following out the window: The law degree I didn’t get; the job I stayed in too long; the one I quit to be a more-present mom; the one I stayed in because the job market bottomed out. For me, letting go isn’t enough. It’s too easy to grab them back up again. I have to get rid of them 100 percent. If you see me walking along the side of the road looking for them tomorrow, make me stop!
Got it! I love the idea of you heaving your stuff out the car window so you can’t get it back!!! (You’re so right about that ‘taking it back’ part.)
Self pity and happiness are mutually exclusive. I love that! Thanks for a great read Jennifer!
You are so welcome, love!
My past is like the nasty cup of pain … a container for joy.
I am learning to drink from that cup, surrender rather than fight, and be willing to transform without my direction, to naturally blossom and bear fruit.
The hardest for me has been not my children, but an adult who continues to have a painful influence on them.
To forgive is one thing …. letting go of the past … easy for me to do. To accept this person as is, today, is quite another.
Thank you Jen for this article that is bringing me clarity. I understand now:
1. The need to have confidence in my children that they have what it takes to grow stronger through this.
2. That the best I can do for my children is to grow up myself! … and be an example for them by:
Surrendering to love, which demands nothing in return. In other words accept this person as is without expectations or demands for change, while continuing to respect myself.
Thanks again Jen, and all of you who contribute fertile ideas!
What a beautiful share!! I can already see you succeeding, love.
Dang, how did you know that I’ve been moping for the last nine months about being laid off from a job that I didn’t enjoy and whined about daily?
I am letting go of all the negative self-talk that swirls around in my head regarding my former employer and my job. And will focus on all that I have accomplished by being at home and continue to move forward!
Thanks!
Hee. Hee. Hee.
Powerful words…and sums up a chunk of my life right now.
Thank you, Amy. If you can, let go of the stuff that is holding you back. And come back here (I hope you signed up for updates so we can stay in touch.) We have a lot of powerful women working toward change — just like you!
Suggestions for when you live with someone who can’t let go of the past and bring up the wrongs of my ways from oh so long ago, over and over??? I loved this article and have found a daily mediation practice to be a requirement each day. Thanks!
It sounds like you are finding your way, love. Meditation will help you get clearer and clearer about the boundaries you want in your life. I hope you signed up for updates here, love. We have lots of amazing women like you taking chances. Love, Jen
My first, knee-jerk reaction is “Do you know how hard these are?” But, of course, you do. I know there is a lot of work to be done. And I am so grateful to you for your insight – it will help me in my journey.
I LOVE your honesty. Here’s the thing, love, we’re doing it together. All of us here at LAT. One small change at a time with permission to let the bigger ones come when they will. Don’t forget to join our Facebook page, because that is where the daily slogging is happening. https://www.facebook.com/LifeAfterTampons
Today I had an amazing aha! I’ve been dealing with a debilitating and annoying back pain for a long time, which seems to be resistant to everything I tried. I finally have the guts to admit and explore the possibility that it is an emotional issue.
I’d like to use this topic, this invitation from Jen, to unfold step by step my soul, and walk out of a past with its corresponding limiting story of victimhood. Of course I cannot change the past, but I can change my perception of it and extract from it what I need to live a spectacular present. Here it goes:
1. I commit to practicing radical acceptance of EVERYTHING that comes my way. I clearly and fearlessly look at my circumstances and recognize my roll in it, the story I made up about it, and that I am no longer ok with it. I cannot keep pretending I am “okay” with being the victim and my attitude of “bartering” and pretending I don’t know what I am subconsciously doing. I accept that it is was I was doing, but no longer ok with it.
2. I am entirely willing to let go of my past – my “story.”
3. My past was what it was.
4. I handle things dispassionately. I do what needs to be done. I stop playing the victim and take charge of my life, “learn to swim”, love myself even when others don’t.
5. I have let go of my desire and “need” to be constantly validated, heard, seen, acknowledged, admired, valued and even rescued by others. I let go…
6. I have and maintain a grateful heart. There is so much beauty inside and all around me!
7. (I love this one
) I commit to living in the present while it is actually happening by eating slowly, chewing and savouring my food; by doing only those things that I truly love doing; by being gentle and loving with myself like I was with my babies; by playing, again; by practicing Yoga instead of “to do” lists.
8. I practice love and service in my work, at home, and now everywhere. All the time. Love. Serve.
I commit to letting go of all hope of a better past – now I can mindfully point the work I do TODAY toward creating more possibility in my life. I am free to be all I can possibly be, and the possibilities are endless!
I am in awe of your beauty, your wisdom, your willingness. Thank you for blessing us with your beautiful heart!
Thank YOU Jen, for being here for me -us- and “provoking” us … Provoking, my new word, don’t you love it? lol