Recently, LAT reader Gina M. wrote in to ask for help. Gina tells me she KNOWS what she wants out of life (to write books), but says, “I always sabotage myself with time, errands, excuses, etc. Am I afraid of failure or success? Or am I just lazy?”
Well, Gina, my guess is, “none of the above.” It’s just that we women are continually pulled in a lot of different directions. And, over the years, we have become habituated to fractured living.
So, in this episode of “Ask Jen,” I share one strategy for clearing the decks so that you can make space to fulfill more of your Unrequited Dreams. Hint: It involved cake.
After you watch the 2-minute video, use our Wisdom Circle comment space below to let me know what you need next to create the One Beautiful Life you want. Or, use our LAT Ask Jen page to send a personal message.
AND HERE IS OUR ONE-TIME ONLY Wisdom Circle Offer:
Share your FAVORITE BUNDT CAKE story along with your wisdom. My kid will pick one random story and we’ll send you my very own PERSONAL BUNDT PAN!!!
I don’t need it anymore.
And most of all, keep coming back. Love, Jen
Photo: Flickr, jronaldlee
Thanks for this, Jennifer. I agree with your take on Gina’s default. I, too, continue to do this, but less often now. I figured out a few years ago that, yes, even though I don’t relish these errands and other distractions, I KNOW how to do them (kind of like the devil you know v. the one you don’t). There’s also a lot of research about very bright people taking easier options because failure is even more devastating when you’re told how bright/creative/talented you are as a child. Gina, I just want you to know that as a writer, this temptation to do the things you can check off your list/do well will always be there. But Jennifer’s right: start small. Stay put for 15 minutes at first. The word count (e.g., I have to write 3000 words today) isn’t particularly effective for me, but the time accountability is. Some days I’m very happy with my output; others, it seems a bust, but what I have to remind myself is that you can’t be successful without failure. If everything we wrote was fabulous, we wouldn’t want to be writers. I mean, who touts themselves as a good breather? (Ok, yoga and meditation experts, but hopefully you know what I mean.) Thanks to both of you! Good segment!
-Jodi
Jodi, GREAT tip about the Time commitment, rather than the word commitment. I like to play with both. And then, I SERIOUSLY LOWER my standards. My goal, most days, is to “write 1000 words of crap.”
That’s a pretty easy mark to hit — on BOTH fronts.
Jen
Thanks, Jennifer! I love your objective. Maybe this mantra will free me up today
Oh, and p.s. I’ve always hated bundt cake. One can’t possibly put enough pudding, cream, jelly or chocolate inside of it to change its nature.
Great story! I love the fact that you point out how we tend to “frost” the things that we don’t like, rather than just getting rid of them all together.
Your advise to clear out the “clutter” for a few days is great. It’s also important to look at the reasons someone might be procrastinating. Sometimes there is an underlying issue that could benefit from a little observation and sometimes we just need space, as you suggest.
Thanks again. Love your site.
Thank you, Nicole. And you’re right — we’d better off just eating the frosting without the cake. LIterally. AND figuratively.
lucky me … i don.t even know what bundt-cake is.
but i know about the fraction … even watching this video was interrupted.
you can trade the pan, i can.t trade the interrupter … you would call me a bad mom then
big question is: why do women think so often they are only loved and successful when they work on stuff they don.t want to work on?
I wouldn’t call you a bad mom at all. I would call you a mom who was teaching her children that she needs and deserves time to herself. And I think the reason we women think that we are only loved and successful when we work on stuff that is unimportant to us is because that is how we have conditioned ourselves to think — AND we can change that.
All adults do stuff they don’t necessarily want to do — the ability to delay gratification is an important skill for survival in our world.
The tricky part comes because we don’t stay in touch with ourselves and we stay committed to things that we have outgrown because of that.
And THEN, it’s really scary to change, because it seems that the consequences of change are HUGE.
If we can stay mindful about our lives at the time that they are actually going on, then I think we will have a better time of it.
I LOVE you writing in, Helen! You’re a gem, indeed!
You are so right about bundt cake. I borrowed a pan from a friend to make a Christmas morning bundt cake this year. What a waste of time. It was totally mushy in the center and tasted like crap. I threw it out – and this is how I spent the evening before Christmas!
As women we do these things because we know if we don’t, they probably won’t happen. Some of us even have spouses who dig the fact that we do them. When I question why I’m spending my time running errands instead of running my business, my spouse tells me the errands are more important! That’s when we need to whack our spouses over the head with a bundt cake pan!
I love the idea of creating a vacuum (preferably one in the form of a condo in Hawaii, family free, but I love to dream!). Good advice!
I have an image in my mind’s eye right now of you frenetically getting it “perfect” on Christmas Eve. That your holiday bundt cake was part of your Currier and Ives picture of the “ideal Christmas” story.
Oh, love I can SO RELATE.
But we are changing — we are growing — we are learning — because TIME brings wisdom on its currents.
And I look at what Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D. shares below and I shout YESSSS!! Me, too, Flora. That’s what I WANT.
Never knew there were people who didn’t like Bundt cake; it’s one of my favorites to make….and the easiest! Bundt cakes are just pound cakes…….mostly
Yea!! I’m so happy to read they work for some people!
Gina M. sounds similar to my situation. I also want to write but always think of things I should get done first. I like your advice to take seven days and take the time to do what we want to do. I think you are right in that if there is a goal you want to accomplish, you just have to do it and take the time to do it. The chores and errands will always be there when you are ready. However, I do think Gina has a point when she says that maybe she is afraid of success or failure. With both, comes other obligations and I think that can be a bit scary in your life. That what is normal life to you right now may change. I know I feel this way. If I succeed, what other work have I put on myself to continue succeeding, and if I fail, it’s almost as those around you can say, “I told you so”. But I do think your advice is good and I am going to try a week of writing and not worry so much if not everything gets done this week.
Thank you, Anne. You raise a point that needs discussing — because actually what we are talking about is TWO problems here.
1. I don’t spend my time in ways I value most.
2. I allow people in my life who would say ‘I told you so’.
Now what am I to do about that???
Not sure what to do about those two points. I’m still working on them myself. I think I’m getting a little better about the second one or I wouldn’t have quit my job to try to start my own business with my etsy store and blogging. The first point is a little harder to figure out.
Oh my!! Just what I needed to hear! So glad I have found you blog – esp one that discusses a topic that I seem to have perfected………procrastination!!!
Thank you, love. We can deal with that procrastination tomorrow, though. Don’t you think?
This is fabulous!! And well-timed… yep, I know how to grocery shop & do laundry & make everything look nice. But, wow – that’s not getting my dissertation done! Thanks for the oh-so-gentle kick in the pants to move forward with the important stuff.
You’re welcome Isabelle. Now go write something.
I listened to your first video where you confessed your fear. I applaud your work Jen. LOVE your honesty and comedy. You are doing alot of good in the world. Today I am going to take your challenge and face a fear. I’ll let you know how it works out.
Thanks for being you so very well. xo Julie
You’re welcome. I kept the nose ring in this time because I hurt myself so bad after the second video. Did you see that one???
Loved the vlog– although I have to say, I like bundt cake but HATE TO WASH THAT STUPID PAN– I mean really, who invented that pan with all those nooks and crannies that take FOREVER to wash!! OK, done about the pan. Thanks Jen for your perspective—- think I’ll go home and throw my horrid bundt pan out!!!!
Yes, if you’re going to make a Bundt, you should at least make it in a disposable pan!
Hi, ELLEN!!!!! You TAKE THE CAKE — er, pan. Let me know how to get it to you. Jennifer@lifeaftertampons.com
I love Bundt cake. And if you get a good heavy non-stick surface pan, clean-up is a breeze. I have a killer chocolate Bundt cake recipe that everyone loves. In fact I think I’ll make it again this weekend. Can’t wait. But I do get your point about not doing things we really hate to do. Well said and I agree.
Thank you, love. To each bundt her own.
Yay!!!
Thanks so much for addressing my crazy issue and giving me some great advice! I think we, as women, tend to be our own worst critics, and we can always find various ways to heap loads of guilt and disappointment onto our shoulders. This was wonderful! Granted, I can’t stop EVERYTHING I don’t like to do for the next seven days…I’d have a house full of dirty clothed, starving, deranged individuals…but I can eliminate a lot of crap! AND…I can delegate…we aren’t good at that either, are we ladies?? LOL.
So…I’ll be in touch soon and let ya’ll know how my Pulitzer Prize winning novel is coming…or maybe my Academy Award winning script. Any takers on the Oscars after party?? I’ll have a couple of tickets, I’m sure!
Thanks again!!
And the STAR OF THE SHOW writes in in!!! You are so welcome, love. As you can see from the comments, you raise a point that is SO NOT UNIQUE. I hope you saw the comments after, too. We have so mojo Wisdom Bringers in this LAT tribe!!
Love the mantra “start with stopping.” ‘Couldn’t have come at a better time — as I check off my list of completed errands, and have yet to do my “important work” in my calendar. My follow-up question is what happens when the things you’re doing ARE things you enjoy, so it’s more about priorities than procrastination. Follow-up post, perhaps??
Yep. need to get to that one!
I laughed out loud at your idea of how we keep doing things long after they are useful. My boys are in their late teens and some of the things I do for them are precious memories repeated for tradition sake but some of them are sooooo unnecessary and no one really cares about them. Thanks for permission to look at them and STOP DOING THEM!
A long time ago I was at some woman’s house and I heard a shout from the bathroom. Her FIVE YEAR OLD KID was yelling, “MOM. I POOPED. Come wipe my butt!”
And she did!!!
Although I can make a delicious pound cake, I absolutely agree with your observation about how we as women try to “frost” over what we hate which takes time and energy from what we really want to do.
I’ve begun to give away some of the “bundt cake pans” of my life that no longer serve me or make me happy.
For example,
==>In recent years I stopped making my mother’s traditional chocolate meringue pie and lemon meringue pie recipes during the holidays because they are just too sweet for my taste now.
==>I gave away my teapot collection that I started years ago when I realized that I no longer wanted to dust them. They were not even functional, only decorative. And besides, my kids were only going to toss them when I die so I gave them to a charity-owned thrift store where they
could make a profit and please some customer at the same time.
==>Now that my kids AND grandkids are adults, I no longer insist on observing the holidays in the traditional ways that I once did. Although I still love to decorate the house, no more trying to force them into a sit-down dinner at a certain time. On Xmas morn I go to see the new movie that always opens on Xmas Day, something that would never have occurred to me in the old days. When I return, “they” are just beginning to wake up (if they spent Xmas Eve at my house) or just beginning to arrive, all at different times. They can eat whatever I’ve cooked as they pop in throughout the day. Trying to hold to the old traditional way was exhausting to me; I gave myself permission to play it by ear and boy is it so much better.
As for getting my writing done, I gave up trying to keep an immaculate house (OK, OK, so I was never committed to that either.) Many years ago I moved pampering myself–hair, nails, occasional massage, occasional housekeeper, going to plays–to the top of my list. That’s how I have time to write content for off and online projects.
You, love are my MUSE FOR THE DAY!!!
Hi Gina
For years, I kept putting off doing what I really wanted to do, travel, write my book and start my on line coaching. I was raised to believe that the most important things in life were to have a good job, own a house and all that fancy stuff. It meant that you succeeded. So, I did all those things, you could say I “had it all”. Turns out that the things that were supposed to define my success were the things that were keeping from doing what I really wanted to do. I was putting all my energy, effort and money towards them, that I did not have time for the more important stuff. I had accumulated soooo much, it was crazy! I realized that I was looking externally to fill that sense of value I missing. The thing is that when we do that, that feeling is temporary and eventually will fade away. So, to keep that feeling alive we continue to accumulate. Also, like Jen said, we stick doing the things that we are good at, we feel a value at being good at something. I was really good at my job, I mean the teams I was leading won so many awards. At some point, I became stagnant, I felt like part of the furniture. When I realized all this, I started to change things around me. Let me tell you, it was scary at first! I started to get rid of some of the stuff that I thought I could never live without. I emptied out my closet…I had clothes in there that dated back 15 years and that I had not worn in well over 10 years!!!! I had stuff in my cupboards that I never used once in years…yet all this stuff was taking up my time in maintenance. I have to say I did in several steps. But, as soon as I started, I began to feel liberated. I got rid of things that were familiar to me, but discovered new things that made me feel alive. fast forward to today, I sold all my belongings, quit my job and am now traveling across South America, doing on line coaching (the official launch coming up at the end of this month) and am writing my book! OUFFFF, it has not been easy, made mistakes along the way…but, hey, when we first learned to ride a bike, how many times did we fall before getting it! Did you know that Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb? When a reporter asked him, “how did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” He answered, “I did not fail 1,000 times, the light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps!”
Nice. Screaming out loud over here — Go Antonia. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gina, your issue is hardly “crazy”, I don’t know a single person who doesn’t face this! You are definitely not alone. I do this all the time and then berate myself for wasting the time. It’s not easy to stop. Mainly I get it when I just don’t know the direction and the steps I need to take. So I sit down with someone and figure out the steps. Then I can go go go until I don’t know the steps anymore and then I find myself wandering.
Is bundt cake really that bad? I have one recipe, it’s for a cinnamon breakfast type coffee cake and I love it, though I only do it on Christmas… but I do wonder who came up with that silly shape?
Yes, Carin, IMHO, Bundt cake is all that bad — and WORSE. Though several of the commenters have given me hope that it can be done correctly. Just NOT BY ME!!!!
Can I just add that I’d like Flora Morris Brown to be my surrogate mom? I loved your wisdom, Flora!!!
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These comments have given me an insight into the year of stopping I went through. I had no idea that was what was happening. Yes, a year. It was scary. I sold my condo, gave away most of my furniture, had no kids at home and moved into a one bedroom apartment. One of my cats jumped off the balcony and was never seen again. I watched “In Treatment”, I read all of Janet Evanovich’s books — again –, I exercised, meditated and prayed. I worked some, reawakened my love of swimming and hoped that something would be revealed. A year later a friend asked me to live with her family.
Since then I’ve lost 36 pounds, wrote a screen play, joined a writer’s group, drummed with two drum circles and work in a job that I really like. A year. It was tough. I prefer the 7 day idea! Love you Jen!