Today, I want to help you get started on planning your Midlife Comeback with a small weekday starter kit.
But first – a word about my kids.
I’m raising teenagers. One of the lessons you get to repeat a zillion times before your kid leaves the house is the idea of “delayed gratification.” Again and again and again I get to have conversations with my kids about
* playing after the homework is done
* eating a treat after you finish your good-for-you dinner
* working on that long-term project today, even though you want to go hang with your friends and the project’s not technically due for 3 more weeks.
I’m on my third son, so I’ve been teaching this lesson for a REALLY long time.
So far, I’m the only one who gets it.
Matter of fact, it turns out that I’m sort of an EXPERT at delayed gratification. I’ve gotten so good at it, in fact, you might say I’ve stayed a little too long at the Delayed Gratification Fair.
It wasn’t until last year, in fact, that I realized that I delayed the majority of fun in life for . . . well, basically my whole life.
I kept meaning to get around to it. My own fun, I mean.
But it was “fun enough” to be basketball mom, and field trip mom. It was “fun enough” to be on this committee at work or go to that dinner function with my significant other’s friends.
It was all sort of “fun enough.”
But as I found myself staring down the barrel at 50, I realized that all this delayed gratification was sort of pointless and disappointing. I was no longer sated by the “near-beer” of happiness.
I loved my people. I loved my life with them. But my very own Uniquely You life? The one that was just for Jennifer Boykin?
Well, I delayed launching it for so long, I forgot to remember not to forget to begin.
And so, just over a year ago, I started planning my comeback. And a year after that, I launched our midlife reinvention space here at Life After Tampons. And now I have you and this space, and my dream – my “Jennifer Boykin Dream” – is fully in play.
As I get ready to teach our first “Craft Your Comeback” workshop, (click the link for deets) — I came up with a handful of easy adjustments you can incorporate in your life today. (with or without the workshop).
Planning a comeback at midlife – for women, at least – can be a tricky thing. For most of us, the people we are committed to are PART of our Uniquely You dream. It’s just that, over time, they’ve sort of become the whole of it, and we need to scale back just a bit.
But that’s tricky. We love these people. We’ve made commitments to them. They’ve come to rely on us. And most of us don’t really feel comfortable just ripping that out, cold turkey.
(One day soon, we’ll take a look at if we’ve trained them to be just a little too reliant on us. You know what I mean — that part where you neeeeeeed people to need you. And so you get all these people hangin’ all over ya and you are just drowning/smothered/resentful of the situation you created your very own damn self? Anyway,we’ll come back to that lesson.)
For most of us, if we’re doing anything at all for ourselves, we’ve probably become Menopausal Contortionists to make it happen. We’re likely getting our own life in by playing some funky Family Chicken Limbo where we can get our needs met, as long as we contort ourselves and our wants in some kind of yogini backbend around everyone else’s needs.
If all that sounds just too hard, or if you have back issues that don’t allow you to play, there are changes you can put in play right now that will help you move a bit of your own vision forward.
Here are five suggestions to start your comeback. Try one a day for each of the next five days.
1. Go for easy wins. Every day, find one small new thing to do that is just for you. Make it so easy to accomplish you can’t not succeed. The reason here is that you’ve probably lied to yourself a LOT in the past about changes you were going to make in your life: weight you were gonna lose, money you were gonna save, places you were gonna explore, etc. The purpose of starting with easy wins is that you need to build up some credibility with your unconscious mind who is no doubt even now tapping her self-righteous little foot and muttering sotto voce, “Here we go again. Poor dear thinks this time it will be different.
2. Get a tribe. You need your own cheerleading squad. If you can, work your comeback plan with a friend. At the very least, you can post your daily successes on our Facebook page. Our Facebook page is really critical to our success as a tribe and as individuals. It’s free, it’s simple, it connects us all no matter where we are, and it’s a ready-made tribe of support. Really, truly. Make sure you “like” the page and then just post something about what you’re doing each day toward your comeback plan.
3. Get a comeback journal. You may also want some really cool pens. I have a thing for pens. I’m actually kind of prissy about my pens, in fact. I carry a little zipper pack of cool colored Sharpies to write in my Comeback Journal as well as stars and heart stickers. Your Comeback Journal is for nestling in with your dreams. Tape in that really cool fortune cookie message. Make a sketch of that interesting person sitting at the coffee shop, then write a short-story about their imaginary life. I also plot out imaginary supper menus in my journal, because feeding people is so important to me. Whatever is YOUR THING – keep track of it in your journal.
4. Take yourself on a weekly comeback date. Spend no more than $20 a date. Your comeback date is your hour or two each week that is specifically earmarked for exploration. Maybe you go to a really cool hardware store and go up and down each aisle looking for inspiration. Maybe you travel to a nearby lake and take pictures of what you find at the shoreline. Or maybe you hit that cool little jazz club – alone – just to see what that feels like. What you choose isn’t as important as that it be something fresh, new, a bit risky, and different. Afterwards, record your experience in your journal.
5. Get lots of exercise. And fresh air. Every day, get out in the world. Most of us our living our lives all up in our heads. We spend a lot of time thinking about what we “have to do” or how things did or didn’t go in the past. The purpose of the daily walk, beyond the exercise of course, is to practice training ourselves to be in the moment. This moment. While it is actually happening. Start small – just 5 or 10 minutes if you are new to this. But try and train your mind to be in the walk with you. While it is actually happening.
Let us know, in the comments below, how you are progressing. And, if you’re ready for “next steps,” take a look at our Craft Your Comeback workshop to see if you think it will be helpful. We start mid-June.
Thanks for sharing your journey with me.
Love, Jennifer
Photo: Flickr,
Once again, psychic woman, I think you hit the nail on the head! Life has slowed down just enough for me and I have put myself “out there” just enough that now I am scared and was seriously thinking…. “maybe being a stay-at-home mom is just where I need to be”…. and that little voice in the back of my head (the one that is ALWAYS right) has been screaming – “that won’t be enough – you’re just scared – get out and be who you wanna be you big pussy!!” One day we will sit together over a glass of wine and laugh about the Tuesday morning you gave me just the wake-up call I need!
KT- I know what you mean! I too struggled between seeking experiences and changes (outside of being a stay at home mom) and recoiling from the fear of it. Interestingly, now that my kids are gown, the fear when I put myself out there really hasn’t diminished that much, but I feel it and do it anyway!
Getting older has its benefits. When you’re younger, you can postpone your risks. In fact, sometimes it seems “sensible” to do so.
But getting older, you realize there might not be another time.
I love that you are both feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Me, too! Love, Jen
I’m starting to take care of my own health. It’s been on the back burner for so long its going to take some time.
I so celebrate with you the move to the Front Burner, girlfriend!! Love, Jen
Being in the moment also helps me cope with a lot of life. SO hard to do though! I found that being creative helps me to be in the moment, and brings out my passion for… myself! My creative outlet is photography, but any creative endeavor feeds your spirit and brings your thoughts away from the past and/or future.
Hey, Beth. You made me smile with the part about your passion for yourself. So totally cool!!!! Jen
I have 4 boys. I may as well just paint the entire bathroom yellow and call it a day.
hee hee. I soooooooo get it.
Ooooh, I love the “comeback date” – great idea! And I can ALWAYS use an excuse to buy more journals and pens. If you’ve got a really good zipper pack or carrying case idea, photo please!
xoxoxoxo
K.
Actually, Karen, my girlfriend bought me this set, so I’m not sure where she picked them up. The accompanying skull-shaped coin purse is from loungefly if that helps. J
My “date” is using comp time from work (I average about 3 hours a week) to work on writing for my book or blog. I treat myself to Starbucks and enjoy some uninterrupted time for myself. Sometimes I relax @Starbucks, sometimes I head home (when I know the house is empty), and sometimes I find an inspirational quiet place (park, woods, river, etc). I also schedule 2 nights a week for “just me” — now that my kids are grown and my boyfriend has several of his own projects. I might have dinner with a friend, do a little shopping, catch up on email/blogs, or just relax with a book. It’s made a huge difference in how I feel about myself.
Today, YOU are my muse. I LOVE this. Wow — TWO nights a week. You go you self-care girl!!!! Love, Jen
Hi Jennifer. This post is awesome! “One day soon, we’ll take a look at if we’ve trained them to be just a little too reliant on us. You know what I mean — that part where you neeeeeeed people to need you. And so you get all these people hangin’ all over ya and you are just drowning/smothered/resentful of the situation you created your very own damn self? Anyway,we’ll come back to that lesson.” I loved this quote. I am so guilty.
I have my own blog and after watching how you rocketed out, I am committed to making my slice of life bigger. I have a solid returning readership to my old blog and the new one and I have only known that recently when I learned to use analytics.
Thanks for the inspiration! I will toast you when I have my beer.(wine).
Thank you, love. Keep on writing!!! And loving.
Jennifer, I feel like you can read my mind! I was raised with a “you don’t play until your work is done” philosophy. As a kid, this isn’t such a big deal. But as an adult? As a mom? When is your work ever done? NEVER! And so I’ve been sitting at the platform waiting for the delayed gratification train for a very long time. I’m so READY to make time for me. But seriously, I’m not really sure what to do, even when I can find the time. What is fun for me? Going to the movies, getting my nails done, going for a walk around the lake near my house. Beyond that? I don’t have a clue. So what to do on a rainy day when my nails look beautiful and there’s only shoot em up movies playing? Still trying to figure that out! I signed up for your workshop and am so excited to begin the journey!
Hi, love. I could sooooooo relate. My experience EXACTLY. I started by the “exclusion method.” I just paid really good attention to what wasn’t working and made a commitment to stop doing those things. Before I knew it, there was more clarity about what might be fun.
I, too, would love some suggestions to #1–what would be some small wins. My gut feeling and experience tell me #1 is important –and THE place to start.
It feels dumb not to know, but it’s a lot of years of sitting at the train station saying, “I guess I’ll take the next train.” It reminds me of when I had my first baby and was exhausted and depressed. My girlfriend, who had her son about 6 months before me, came over alone and said go away. I’ll nurse Joe (my baby–not my husband!), and go have 2 or 3 hours. I drove away, but I had no clue. The next 2-3 hours, I just wondered around the mall like a deer in headlights. It feels that way now. What the heck?!
Little wins–what would that look like for a 60 something Deer-in-headlights?
(Thanks Amy, and everyone, for sharing your responses.)
Janice — read my response to Amy for you answer to the “how” problem. But I want to discuss something different with you.
Your quote — “It feels dumb not to know…”
That “dumb” word felt really jarring to me. Here’s the thing, love. We have our feelings /thoughts(I don’t know where to begin), and then we have our feelings about our feelings (It feels dumb …).
That second set of feelings/thoughts is where we get into trouble. Because NOW, in addition to our first set of “problems” to solve, we have NOW compounded our “problem” by adding judgment to it — and mean-spirited judgement at that.
We would never tell a friend that her curiosity about how to begin something new is DUMB, but we do it to ourselves all the time.
So, together, one day at a time, starting right here in LATworld, we drop all judgment. We can always pick that bitch-slapping tool back up if we need to. But, just for today, right here, right now, we just drop that rock.
We don’t need it anymore.
We all do it, love. Have that mean-spirited talk, we just train ourselves to say back, “thank you for sharing. NEXT!!!!”
By the way, by lunchtime, I’m gonna need you to give me back this same suggestion, so please be here for me when I do it TOOO.
Love, Jen
Hi Jennifer,
I love your energy, insight, wisdom and courage. You have indeed read our minds–those who admit it, anyway.
I resonate with your experiences and realize that I stayed at the Delayed Gratification Fair too long a few times in my life. Thankfully, something snapped me out of it and I managed to realize a few life dreams, but then I’d find myself at that damn fair again.
The first time I found myself no longer sated by the “near-beer of happiness”(love that phrase!) fur flew. I ended my marriage, started my comeback. My kids survived and made it to adulthood with minimal scratches, while I learned to say “yes” to me and “no” to other people. This was decades ago and I’m happy to report that I made pampering me a regular part of my schedule (my nails are always beautiful.)
As an expert enabler, I still have to watch out for backsliding into getting folks to relying on me and then resenting them for it.
In response to Janice, little wins for me as a 60-something are things like taking a walk, committing to a tai chi class, attending a sound energy ceremony (when a friend called and told me about it hours before it started,) trying a new recipe (nowadays looking for good-tasting vegetable dishes,) setting a goal of reading all the books in a given author’s series (right now Alexander Smith McCall’s No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series,)blogging, commenting on others’ blogs, committing to sending out (through snail mail) greeting cards to friends and family for the major holidays other than just Christmas (one friend commented that until I sent her one she didn’t even know they made Happy Thanksgiving cards,) etc. The best little win is to connect with other women like those of us in this group where we cheer each other along.
You, Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D., are my YODA!!!!!
Love, LOVE the take myself on a date idea. For some reason I could never get myself to do the “Artist Date” a la Julia Cameron (of The Artist’s Way fame). But this sort of date – well this is different. Doesn’t have to be art, and can just be anything I want – but risky. And now that I’ve reached this ‘certain age’, don’t I deserve to take myself out? Yes!
So much here that hits home. Another challenge to bring my full comeback closer: ditch that urge to feel needed by others. Start feeding myself first. Ooh I feel a little naughty just saying it!
Thanks for inspiration once again!
You know, you’re so right — about that uncomfortable feeling that you have to “check in” with other people to see if it’s okay to take a turn. I JUST DID THAT – not 5 minutes ago!!!!
Aaaargh. We claim Comeback Progress rather than Comeback Perfection. And congrats to you, on your Holistic Hot Sauce launch. That’s quite a big deal, girlfriend!
Love, Jen
I think I might be the only man here, but this is still a really cool post! I’m mounting my own comeback at 40! Keep writing and doing. Glad I found your site and I’m going to share it with my wife too!