Recently, I’ve come to a deep place of surrender about something that I have been unable to change.
Oh, I REALLY wanted this thing to be different. But getting to “different” requires things/people/situations outside of my control to change, and I have absolutely no say AT ALL in whether/if/when this will ever happen.
On my side of the equation, I’ve tried everything.
I’ve discussed the “problem” with my mentors. I’ve prayed on it, written about it, talked about it, let it go, grabbed it back, prayed on it . . . .
Still, the “problem” remains.
And so, mercifully, I surrender.
I accept – to my innermost self – that I am utterly stumped.
I give up.
As my friend, Jim Money, says,
When the horse is dead, it is prudent to dismount.
Why do we hold on to things?
At a recent Comeback Workshop, some of my clients were discussing the long-term problems in their lives. The conversation turned to our propensity to hold on to people, situations, and things long past their “fresh until” date.
One of my clients asked, “Why do we do this?”
Why do we hold on to things that are hurting us, that no longer fulfill us, that keep us stuck in sadness/mediocrity/hopelessness?
Because –
1. We’re afraid,
2. We don’t believe in ourselves, and so, um – that makes us afraid.
3. We’re waiting to see if things/people/situations will change, because –
4. We’re afraid.
When it comes to making decisions, I try to live by the tenets of the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Usually, when I’m stumped, it’s because I’ve misdiagnosed my situation and put my “problem” in the wrong Serenity Prayer bucket.
I’m swirling around frantically trying to change something (read “someone”) when really what I’m supposed to do is accept them for who they really are.
More often, though, I think I’m supposed to be accepting something, when really I’m supposed to be changing it.
Clearly, at times like these, I lack the “wisdom to know the difference.”
If something in your life continues to dog you, it’s probably because you’re accepting something that you should be changing. If you’re doing this, it’s probably because you’re afraid of what might/could/will happen as a result of making the change you need to make.
And if you are stuck because you are afraid, it’s because you doubt that you will be able to handle whatever consequences come from your decision to move on/forward/past the thing that is holding you back.
You don’t have to stay stuck, though. You could:
1. Play “worst case” scenario. Think about the worst thing that could happen and then jot down how you would handle that.
2. Ask for support. Share your fears and self-doubt with a friend and ask for support in making the change you need to make. Be as specific as you can.
3. Seek a mentor. You could hire a coach or strategist. You could commit to getting the skills you need to make the changes you desire.
4. Get some perspective. Keep your problems “right-sized” by looking around you at what others are handling.
Remember, love, you’re as sick as your secrets. That means that when you choose to suffer in silence, you essentially lock yourself in a dark room with your problems. No one can get in, and none of the painful stuff can get out.
Today’s actions:
1. Get real. Which of the current “problems” in your life were around a year ago? Five years ago? 10? What action can you take TODAY to begin to free yourself from its tenacious grip? Let us know what you’re doing TODAY to move your life forward.
2. Sign up here to get regular updates.
photo: flickr, fomu. horse quote: my friend, Jim Money
Thanks for this, Jen. The saying about the horse makes it easy to remember…because horses die all the time.
They do? Oh, that makes me sad.
Number 3 had me stuck for many years! Especially so for the past couple of years up to about 6 months ago. I noticed in this time that my world mirrored the energy of that connection. Things I had worked so hard for started to fall apart. In the midst of the worst of it my life started crumbling around me. I am fortunate enough to have developed awareness and counselling skills over the years, so I was able to recognise what was happening and I managed to keep myself somewhat sane. Then for a few months I thought I could remain in control but the outside world reflected that I had indeed lost my wisdom for real perception. I did similar things to the things you listed and made a conscious decision to walk away from this forever. A month later my life started to get back on track, my business emerged as I have always wanted it to be, my relationship got stronger and my energy returned. My point? I agree!! Surrender and allow the wisdom to flow. When we surrender, life shows us where we need to go next.
I love this, Kama. Thank you for sharing your “after” story. Jen
Jennifer, I thought I knew and practiced the Serenity Prayer back and forth and upside down and inside out. And your post just blew that particular illusion right out of the water of my denial! I’ll be able to thank you (and mean it) as soon as I dry off.
Believe it or not, I have never entertained the idea that I might be accepting something that I really needed to change. I always focused on the courage part. “As soon as I muster enough courage, then I will change this thing.” But I never said, “Carol, I wonder if you are accepting something that you actually need to be changing.”
Geesh, it seems so obvious now. A blind spot is a blind spot is a blind spot — until it isn’t. There is indeed something I’ve been accepting way too long as a “given,” when, in fact, it isn’t a given at all. I can and need to change it. The first step is awareness. The second step is action — today.
I’ll never think of the Serenity Prayer, which I say every day, in quite the same way again. Okay. I think I’m ready to say thank you and mean it. Thank you, Jennifer.
That was the SAME mistake I made, Carol. And I mean for years and years and years. Crazy. Just the wrong damned bucket. So glad I could help. Love, Jen
Huh, so what you’re saying is if we ignore our problems they won’t just disappear? Well, shit
I assumed that if I spent the summer healing myself that everything else around me would just fall into place… now, my relationship with my mom feels even more dysfunctional (it’s not, I’m just less dysfunctional)… I really am terrified to dip my toe into what I know has to be done to even begin to make it better… It probably won’t be today so keep writing posts like this 
Yep. Good work, by the way.
After 25 years in northern Virginia – the “horse” walked away. My kids grew up and I found myself with an empty nest. Not one to sit idly, I decided to move to Florida along with all the other boomers. I’m taking you with me Jen!!!
No way!! When are you going, Laura. Where in Florida? If you’re near Disney World I’m getting in the car now!!! Don’t worry, I’ll make supper.
Jen
If I remember to look at the teeth of the horse I am sitting on, and they look like that–no problem: not only will I dismount, I will RUN, as fast as I can Gingerbread Man. Ugggg-ly (and I bet they don’t smell great either). . . Funny, what we/I
get blind and used to, isn’t it?
Yuck!
Hi Jennifer,
I know exactly why I stay with things too long. It’s that sensible upbringing from my well-meaning elders who went around saying things like “Practice makes perfect,” “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” and “Don’t ever quit.”
How crazy is that? There are a number of things we should stop right at the start.
One of my friends says I’m “long-suffering.” I used to think it was a compliment, but now I take it as a sad commentary on staying with things/people/situations long after wiser folks would have left.
When I’m worrying about other people (usually my grown kids and grandkids, I remind myself that Byron Katie says in The Work that our worry comes from not accepting that what is, is. Simple, but profound.
When I’m focusing on others, I’m not taking care of my own business. More than once I’ve caught myself being an ostrich–head in the sand and my most vulnerable part exposed.
Like Kama, I’ve had enough experience, counseling and awareness to eventually catch myself and adjust my perspective. When I stop concerning myself with others and look at what can I do now to bring about change, things lighten and brighten up. I especially use #4 to not only look at how others around me are handling things, but also remind myself that I’ve gotten myself out of similar or worse situations before.
Since life will bring us new challenges and lessons in the future, it’s wonderful to read reminders and hear the experiences of the like-minded.
My great hope is that I actually get to meet you in person one day, Dr. Flora Morris Brown. Truly, truly. Amen.
After so many years and tears, I’m divorcing my ‘horse’ because things will never change. But I can change! It’s a bit terrifying to be on my own, but this old ‘nag’ is looking forward to the challenge. Thank you for this posting – it’s just what I needed.
)
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m doing a little Happy Nag Dance with you, though. Love, Jen
I too used the Serenity prayer for many years and still do. To this day I still find that I do not have the wisdom to know the difference.
Of late I have become more mindful of my feelings, actions and responses.
If I notice that a knot is in my stomach or that something is irking me take notice, being honest to myself. I then have the choice to either take some sort of action or move on.
This is easier said than done, so I take tiny steps.
Thank you for this. I thought I was doing it wrong for the longest time, but now I just have some blind spots that will always be with me so I ask people to be my mirrors. Jen
Wow, love that line “You’re only as sick as your secrets!” Pure poetry girlfriend!
One of the reasons I made this recent leap of moving away from everything I know and cherish is because as I read through old journals from, like, EIGHT YEARS AGO, I realized I was still bitching and whining about the same stuck patterns! And blaming the same things.
It clearly was time for a change. Now I’m in a bit of free fall and wondering where I will land, but I’ve definitely broken that stuckness. At least the external stuff. Now to deal with the even sticker internal bullshit!
Jen-how are you able to so succinctly write words that resonate so mightily! I am blown away by the statement I may be putting my problems in the wrong bucket! I am so grateful I found your blog-Little by little I will try to take the steps I need to take. I have kept a journal for many many years, thinking if I write I will solve my problems. But the writing alone does not work. I am a “work in progress” and am determined to let go and let God….