If you are a new reader at Life After Tampons, you may not know that the first thing we do when we get here is retreat.
We “start by stopping.”
You just can’t hope to make any lasting change in your life until you stem the outflow of excessive activities, responsibilities, and unfulfilling “stuff” that is holding you back, keeping you down, and, in general, keeping you STUCK in activities that no longer bring you joy.
We begin with retreat, and I’ve created a free 21-day one for you that you can get here if you like.
If you’re exhausted, it’s not because “you’re doing it wrong.” (click to tweet)
One of the biggest challenges for women at midlife is dealing with depletion. Many of us are exhausted. Physically, for sure. But even more challenging is the emotional, mental, and spiritual tiredness that sets in at this age.
The reason that depletion is so prolific at this age, is because the “job” of being an adult woman requires us to extend tremendous energy outside of ourselves. We sacrifice our responsibilities to ourselves in service of our commitments to others.
Some of these commitments we embrace gladly. Others? Not so much. Motherhood, marriage, divorce, aging parents, career, financial challenges, preparation for retirement – we’ve been managing all of this for decades.
And even though the stuff we are doing may be stuff (read “people”) we love and want to continue doing, over time, the continual denial of self begins to take a toll.
So many of my clients come to me utterly exhausted, discouraged, and just plain out of ideas about how to help themselves. The old tools — buck up, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get over your bad self — just don’t work anymore.
Hopelessness sets in, because it’s really really discouraging to want to change your life, but have absolutely no energy to do it.
In your heart of hearts, you may see a “new you” who is fitter, brighter, more engaged, living a life with more purpose and meaning, but you know that you are going to have to “do stuff” to get you there and you just can’t see your way to the starting gate.
So, we start by stopping.
If you are depleted right now, here is my suggestion: Take a 30-day moratorium on “yes.”
Okay, stop shouting at me in your head. Yes, I hear you –
“Right. What planet do you live on, Jen?”
“Must be nice to have such an uncomplicated life that you can just say “no” to stuff.”
“And exactly who will get the kids to their jujitsu lessons?”
Really? Jujitsu?
Here’s the thing, love – If you drop dead from a heart attack due to your exhausted, stressed-out state, the people around you are going to figure out how to get through the next 30 days without you. And, whether you like this reality or not, someday they are going to have to do just that.
We all are.
Recently, I suggested to a client that, for the next 30 days, she aspire to being a Mediocre Mom. She knew she needed to do something, so she gave it a shot.
During those 30-days, we worked on uncovering and healing the motivation behind her excessive selflessness.
Guess what we found there? Yep. Guilt. Shame. And a stubborn unforgiveness that she had toward self. Once she had the courage to stop running from these emotional boogie men, she was able to see the destructive hold these feelings had on her life.
Then, she was able to see that her over-functioning was actually starting to hurt the people she loved, because her exhaustion was a fertile breeding ground for resentment, hopelessness, and all other joy killers.
So, if you’re exhausted today, stop.
Make it a game, make it a challenge to figure out the absolute LEAST you can get by with doing for the next 30-days, and then try to shave some stuff off of that list.
Delegate, let the dust bunnies be fruitful and multiply, skip the kids’ ballgames and get a massage instead. Get still, listen to your own heart, and the wisdom and clarity you need will bubble to the surface.
And, if you need help, ask for it below, in the comments. We have an amazing community of wise women here. Help is on the way.
Love, Jen
P.S. If you missed that retreat sign-up, here’s the link.
photo: flickr, futurestreet
LOVE the article…still stuck on “Right. What planet do you live on, Jen?” but it’s marinating…like maybe after my daughter’s 4th birthday in a couple weeks and then, well hell, it’s the hubby’s birthday and then practically Thanksgiving and Christmas…so maybe New Year’s? Lol…cuz we know how well those resolutions go! So my commitment to start by stopping is to stop feeling guilty about asking the hubby to watch the kid while I go do something on my list for me no less than once per week…like a thinking-walk at the state park, go paint a vase at the art center, massage, crystal healing…because I’m tired and tired of being my own worst enemy. So I can start enjoying being me, being a wife, being a mom, and because “hopelessness” keeps sneaking in the damn cracks anyway which just compounds the guilt and internal poundings. Thank YOU so much for your wonderful wisdom and example!!
Hi, love. Good for you. My only comment is that neither parent — mother or father — “babysits” (watches?) the kids. You both “parent” them. Our language is sometimes really important because it creates a subtle and unintentional inequity of responsibility. I’m so glad you’re here. Jen
Me too! Again you give me a nugget of wisdom that rocks my world!
Just a thought for Angie – your daughter is turning 4 (my twins just turned 4 also) – give yourself a break and do a VERY simple birthday for her. A small celebration – lots of attention from you and Daddy – THAT is what she will remember (not the gifts or who else came). Don’t overthink the parties at this age (you will have plenty of time to stress over things when she is older and has real preferences/demands – HA). As for your hubby’s birthday – again – give yourself a break. Do a quiet date night – just the two of you – and get him a simple gift. He’s a grown up and I’m sure would be just fine with that. I’m learning that turning myself inside-out for these celebrations isn’t worth it. Just give them your time and attention.
Nicole
Preach it, Nicole!!!
Thank you for the wonderful post! Yes, last year I did the whole she-bang largely by myself. This year my goal is to learn to ask for help and let people help when they offer. I am going to let my MIL pick up the cake and buns, let my mom make a salad, let my husband wrap presents, etc. Lastly, I refuse to make the house spotless before the party. My wise Grandma, who happened to be early to the party last year (like I hadn’t showered yet, looked like I had been mopping the floor by rolling on it early), pointed out that you really only clean for the first few people and those people aren’t coming to see a clean house, they’re coming to see the birthday girl, so you might as well save your energy for after they leave. In honor of the article’s challenge, I will be saying no to my stubborn self and what will people think of me (a stay-at-home-mom) if I don’t clean the windows and dust the fan self! And saying yes to playing games with the kids instead of scrambling in the kitchen…it’s called pizza, delivery style. The marinating idea is tasting better and better…thank you both for your encouragement and advice!
Jen,
Another great post. You have hit the nail right on the head. Why do we do it? I don’t think I’m carrying any guilt or shame but I do just what you describe. Am I in denial?
Perhaps I am, but I am going to try step 1 and await the reveal on step 2.
Hi, Lisa. It doesn’t have to be guilt or shame. It can be fear and oftentimes it is simply habit. But if you stop doing it for long enough, the reveal WILL come to you. Thanks so much for taking time to share your beautiful heart. Jen
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Boy, I could have used you 20 years ago when my kids were toddlers. I wonder how differently my life would be right now if I was able to not give to others to the point of exhaustion, and then give to myself as well.
yep, me too!
Let’s not forget that even “child-free” women at mid-life experience this same transition – the need to stop giving to their career/employees/employer, husband, friends, family – and this is the hardest part I hear from other women “learning to let go.” Let go of the previous persona that may have served you well in your 20′s/30′s/40/s but no longer serves you now. But you think “I’ve worked so hard for this persona, this is who people know me as.” I had to ask myself, what it really “me” they knew, or was it the person I thought they/society made me feel I needed to be? I’m coming to the end of my 4th year of “letting go” – yes, still not totally let go yet but getting there. The reward – finally being able to say statements like, “I can do that, but I choose not to” or “I’m no longer interested in that goal/hobby – and that’s okay” and believe it and me! Thanks for the blog post! Another winner!
Bonnie, if this were facebook, I would click “like” to your response!
Hi, Bonnie and Beth. You are absolutely right, exhaustion is NOT exclusive to midlife mothers. J
Ditto. Like! And thank you.
I wanted to say thank you. I came across your blog over a year ago and immediately found a message I needed to hear, even though I am still in the ‘tampon’ stage. I’m 30 with 2 kids and have been teetering on the edge of a divorce since I got married; 9 years later it’s finally coming to pass. This site has helped me to accept that sometimes the right thing to do is also the thing that you actually want to have happen, even if it seems selfish. Thanks again and I will continue to read your messages to help me grow and develop as I face the coming challenges.
Hi, Heather. Thank you for taking time to write in. I wish you every blessing as you take care of yourself through this change in your life. And I so hope you keep coming back. We have quite a few women your age who are regular readers.
Jen
Agreed Heather! I am 34 and find Jennifer’s posts very often TOTALLY relate to me
Blessings to you on your journey!
Heather…
me, too.
Namaste~
S
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You are always so right on the button with your advise Jen. I’m becoming hooked on two sites yours and Pinterest…LOL
My situation is that I have realized and gone through and ‘cleaned out’. I am a 60 year old single Mum of 5 – 4 of which are adopted special needs kids. Divorced 12 years now and through the divoce husband decided he only wanted to be Dad to our biological son and the only (white) little girl. So surrendered his parental rights on all others which I immediately re-adopted as a single parent. Whew!
Now over the years I’ve learned SO much and have cleaned house on self guilt, time/money sucking one sided friends, overscheduling trying to be the perfect Mum not only to the 2 who now were showered with $ from the other side but to keep up as I could with the 3 who were thrown away. I have 45 cents framed in my living room I’m so proud of because when he left that Christmas eve 12 years ago all he left me with was the farm, 5 kids and 45 cents. Now today I’ve had nicer and nicer cars until now I’ve got a reliable one, I’ve bought my own home and moved the kids to a safer small village and great school!
Now setting up how I got here….2 kids are grown and out, 3 teenage boys still at home. I LOVE to paint, DIY and craft have a wonderful Carriage House behind my home that would make a dream of mine come true setting up a little shop with no overhead or set hours to sell my wares right at home. BUT now I’m as you say I’m just exgusted and try as I might I don’t seem to be able to get the old body (and damaged back) to the point that I can make it a reality. Keep in mind it’s only ‘me’ to do all the actual work to make this happen. Depression sets in, self talk of I can’t do all this alone, and your too old to try to make this happen. Which I know is BULL SHIT! I seem to be stuck!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE STUCK!!!! I should see now that nothing is standing in my way (except money as it can be taken a little at a time)
Any suggestions would be great!!!!
THANK YOU!
Sandi
Hi, Sandi. First of all, thank you for your beautiful heart. Next, I would give the same suggestion in the piece, do nothing. Stop everything you can, including your thinking about your little shop. Rest. eat well, take walks and yoga. Make sure you see your doctor to check for any physical issues that may be contributing to the exhaustion. Get your hair done. And your nails. When you feel like you’re ready to start “doing” again, wait three more days after that. Then, carefully and with great deliberation add one thing at a time back into your schedule. Be good to Beautiful You. And come back. We are all rooting for you here! Love, Jen
What do you recommend is the best way to support the woman you love through this challenging time? I would do anything to make this easier for her and have suggested doing less for others and more for herself. There are time that she seems to hear me and begins to do that for herself but old habits are hard to break. Before you know it, the old “I have responsibilities” attitude surfaces and her needs get pushed to the side.
She shared this article to me and commented that, “yeah, that’s it exactly” but is her own worst enemy. She cares for those she feels responsible for and doesn’t think they are capable of meeting their own needs. I’m even guilty of demanding precious time that she has little of. In my mind I think that the time we spend id nurturing and gives her energy. But in the end the net effect is the same and it becomes just one more demand.
As a man who loves a woman going through this, what would be the best way to encourage her to “stop”?
Thank you.
Michael
Hi, Michael. What a lovely generous heart you have!! Thank you for writing in. I love that your wife is showing you articles that describe what she is feeling. Sometimes, it’s a process to get to the “willingness to change” part. I for one have never been able to change anything until it became important to ME to change. It’s hard to achieve lasting change when you aren’t doing it for yourself.
It is a process, but we all come to it in our own time. I love that you are asking her how you can support her through this. In the meantime, make sure you are doing what you can to support yourself through this transition. The best gift we can give each other is our own wholeness.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer & community,
First let me say, I find it really funny how much your words resonate with me, since I am 34 and not yet in your target age range. Just goes to show how no matter our age, some feelings are very universal!
This post is extremely timely for me. I have been battling against the feeling of overwhelm off and on for ages. What’s interesting is that in some ways I feel I am experiencing the opposite to what you are expressing here. For the first 5 years of my now 8 year old daughter’s life, my entire existence was pretty much about her and learning to become a mom and my job helping to support families in their own journeys to do the same. A few years ago I flipped a switch and began spending a lot more time focusing on personal self- care and an inward spiritual journey. It has been and continues to be beautiful and I am so grateful for it.
What is happening for me is that once I began allowing myself more “me” time, I craved it so much I now have an imbalance in my life. I am blessed with a very rich and fulfilling connection with my daughter, we spend lots of time smelling the roses and forgetting about needing the floors to be swept. In my opinion TOO much. I am so fearful to even admit this out loud, but my home life, mainly in terms of household tasks, routines, having an organized clean home, daily household tasks, money and completion of paid work tasks are what is suffering! So to be quite honest I am definitely in a space today of feeling like I need to get OFF retreat island buck up, “pull up my bootstraps” and de-clutter my house before me, my daughter and my husband all go off the deep end cause I failed at completing yet another full laundry cycle! LOL!
One thing I have come to understand in my recent spiritual journey is the value of community, so that is really why I’m writing today. All you beautiful people have lots of wisdom you can share with me I’m sure. I’m open, any and all advice is welcome, bring it on! How do I pull up out of the feeling of “ok, good for you, you have discovered how to have a “zen” moment, but you’re failing miserably as a wife, an employee and housekeeper”. One thing’s for sure, I am emotionally and physically exhausted at the idea of getting started on any of the tasks I have put off. My TO DO list just keeps getting longer. Where the heck do I start?! Asking for help with open arms .
Much thanks,
Cassandra
Love, have you considered getting some help with the household stuff? The other resource I HIGHLY recommend is flylady.net. http://flylady.net/. She has such a sane, one day at a time approach to getting your home in order. Plus, she’s fun, which is a total requirement for me.
By the way, stop hating on yourself. We cannot achieve lasting change through self-hatred.
Easy does it, love. That’s one thing that YOU do get later. Mercy toward self and others. You can borrow mine today if yours is in short supply.
And, oh, by the way, we get TONS of younger women here. Truly. TONS!!!
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