For many years I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself. The silence would make me crazy-anxious.
I don’t really remember why that was; I just remember that I felt really compulsive about moving around, creating activities for myself, filling in the empty spaces of my life with noise.
And then, I had boys. Lots of them.
And, all of a sudden, solitude became a luxury like none other. Truly. Going to the bathroom by yourself became a real treat. I would so look forward to those one or two hours a week when I didn’t have to keep anyone else alive.
Gradually, their needs changed. They didn’t need me in such a “hands on” capacity. But, for some reason, I didn’t notice that, as they needed me differently, I could actually take more time for myself.
Instead of giving that time and space back to myself, I gave it to some other non-essential activity that presented itself to me. I became “room parent” or helped with the Valentine’s Day party. I got involved in service work for my community that someone else could have done. I entertained even though I was exhausted.
In other words, I continued to increase my level of activity, even though it wasn’t required. I didn’t notice that the stuff I was doing was NOT feeding my soul. (click to tweet)
Besides, everyone else was doing it, too.
Your thirties are like that. Those are the years when you begin to lose yourself. Your slip into over-functioning is ever so subtle. But, once you’re fully in the center of the Mindless Activity Quicksand, you start to sink. And you are so far gone, there is nothing nearby to hold on to for purchase.
And now we are at our forties. Our responsibilities have shifted, but we are sinking into exhaustion and can’t quite see our way clear.
In Step 1 of this series, we began to heal by stopping our mindless activities. We took a brief moratorium from over-functioning, so that clarity of purpose can appear again. If you missed that piece, you can read it here.
In Step 2, we add solitude into our lives. Every day, one day at a time, you commit to at least 15 minutes of stillness. If you are really willing and ready to let go of your martyr status, go for 30 minutes.
During this time, you can do whatever you wish, as long as it’s not for someone else. Nope, no folding laundry all by yourself. Or cleaning out the cat box either. Come on – you know you’re tempted.
Spend thirty minutes all by yourself. Draw in your journal. Cut out pictures from magazines that appeal to you. Make a Dream Board for yourself.
The key to this action is consistency. It’s not good enough to “do solitude” every third day.
Carve out this time like your life depends on it. And guess what, Sweet Pea, it actually does. (click to tweet)
Today is the day. Now is the time. Begin even as you are reading these words. In the Wisdom Circle comments below, please commit to your daily solitude appointment. When will you do it today? What do you think you would enjoy doing during that time?
Please don’t put this off – even for one day. If you do, it will never happen. And your life – the gift you are uniquely qualified to give the universe – is much too essential for that.
Love, Jen
P.S. Here’s where you commit to change. If you’re not already a part of the Life After Tampons community, join here. I promise, it won’t hurt a bit. Because I never spam. And I’m really, really fun.
Besides, I’m not selling anything anyway – except the idea that you CAN actually love your life more. Well, now that I think about it, I guess I am selling something. I’m selling HOPE. If you don’t want that, ignore this part of the post. Not everyone aspires to be Happy, Joyous, and FREE!
Photo: Flickr, John Singer Sargent, by Alaskan Dude
You know, I signed up for LAT after recommending it to my cousin, because SHE is the one who needs your advice. I already knew all this stuff (and it’s great stuff). But the more I read, the more I find posts that apply (ahem) to me and my life. Like part 1 and part 2 of this post. I am the person in my family who makes things happen, who steers the ship safely through the waters. But lately I’ve noticed I’ve been gripping the wheel too tightly. My crew wants to steer their own ship and my hands are tired. It’s hard to let go, but I’m trying. I still make everyone wear life jackets, though!
Ha. That’s how we get you, Cate. We suck you in on somebody else’s “problems” and then, oops, did that apply to me??? Damn! I LOVED this message. I can see your whole family dutifully sitting around with their monogrammed orange jackets on. Terrific! Love, Jen
I am loving this series. Like Cate above, I do know this stuff. But they are thoughts and ideas bouncing around in my mind. You articulate them in a way that makes me want to hit my head and say ‘duh, why didn’t I think of it this way?’
I hope you know what I mean when I say I’ve been squandering the time I have alone by not spending it solitude. It is all about the intention and focus.
Thank you for the reminder.
Hi, Lisa. I think I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you have been squandering your time alone. And I agree that it has to do with intention. First we get stop the mindless activity, then, in our solitude we listen for our own inner wisdom. Next, we act. But that’s part 3 and I get ahead of myself. Jen
I commit to 20 minutes each morning after my son leaves for school.
By the way, the distinction about service that truly only we can do (rare but part of our calling) and that others can do (if we say no and let them step up) is a really important one. Thanks for helping me see that!
Wow. I could have written that post (but not with nearly as articulate), in that I too had so much wonderful me time, then came boys, then came the busy busy busyness of being their Mom. Even now that they are in their 20s, I am repeating the pattern with my grandson. Thank you for the reminder to just BE. I love to journal, do soulcollage and play in my fairy garden. I just don’t do it enough. Wonderful post!
Wow, was this amazing post ever a much-needed knee to the crotch!! I’m in my mid-30s and have a 16-month old baby, and can start to feel myself sort of robotically doing these mindless things, and feeling like the day was zapped from me. I am so grateful for this SHAKE! You are one badass, Jen. So grateful I discovered this blog…that’s it, I’m signing up!
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Wow – you know these series of articles truly resonate with me and reading them “allows” me to feel better about my daily struggles of feeling like I am never doing enough!
MY job is killing me. Literally. I’ve had one stroke already and three years left before I can retire from teaching. Thirty years and I’m sooooo tired. I get sick just thinking about facing another day. I can’t live on what l’d make if I retired now. It’s become a choice between homelessness and continuing. When does life begin? Really? I’m 60, in debt, caring for a 23 year old emotionally disabled son, and no family or support group. I am thankful that I have a job and my son is a blessing beyond words. I don’t want to make this a forum for my personal problems, but I need suport. l’m soooo tired. When does life begin? Really? I’m stuck and scared.