According to my email, I’m rich, stunning, and royal. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
When I opened my email this morning, I was thrilled to see that I’ve won 600 thousand pounds in an email lottery. I don’t remember playing that lottery, but I’m happy I won nonetheless.
Claiming my prize is pretty straightforward. I just send them my name, my address, and a copy of my international passport. I know that’s a little bit unusual. But I’m not really too worried – the person who wrote me has a gen-u-ine Yahoo account and everything.
I feel certain that Yahoo is good for the 600 thousand pounds. Especially now that they have that new kick-ass Marissa Mayer is running the show there. She just had a baby less than a week ago and is just going to miss two weeks of work! There’s a LATvian for you.
I win stuff all the time. And, when I’m not winning, I’m being asked to compete.
When I was 35, I received a letter in the mail imploring me to register for the Miss Teen USA pageant. I was selected based on my academic prowess. And they didn’t say a word at all about the size of my birthing hips. I can deliver a baby like nobody’s business. (Well, it sounds like Marissa might be pretty good at it, too.)
Anyway, birthing babies was going to be my “special talent” for the show. But, sadly, I was busy that weekend.
I don’t remember why. It was probably my turn to drive the kids somewhere or else there was a huge sale at Target on toilet bowl cleaner or something like that.
Otherwise I would have been SOOOO in. I even had a pair of Size 10 glass slippers to wear. Plus, I’m the only woman I know who has my very own housekeeping tiara. (click to tweet) I used to wear it when I scrubbed toilets.
Which reminds me – some years ago I sat my boys down and explained to them that I could NEVER be called “grandma” or “granny” or “nanny.” Truly. That last one’s a goat.
I told them that, if and when they had children, I would like to be known to them as “Contessa,” or “Tessa” for short. It was a bit of an unusual request, so I had them practice. That was back in the day where I was going crazy being “mom’d” to death all day.
On those days, the boys would have to call me “Contessa” in order to get my attention. That was a fun experiment.
But now that they’re older and the asses I’m wiping daily are more metaphorical than literal, I don’t mind the “mom” moniker so much. It’s all rushing by and I’m so grateful I’ve learned to slow down and appreciate more of the moments as they stream by.
Of course those 600 THOUSAND pounds will help, too. That buys a lot of mediation tapes.
Don’t worry, I’m still gonna write for you even though I’m rich now and everything. You people “get” me and I “get” you. And there’s no money that can buy that.
We’re all winners here.
Love, Contessa
P.S. You too could be a Midlife Beauty Contestant winner. We’re all winners here. This is where you sign up for regular updates. And a retreat. It’s free and won’t hurt a bit. Right HERE.
photo: Flickr, robynlou8
LOVE it. Thank you for the smile. I, myself, seem to be a frequent winner these days. Thanks for reminding me how to not let it go to my head. Never gotten around to responding to Who’s Who either. I’d like to be a Who someday.
You are a Who. Made me think of Dr. Seuss, my fav!
Thanks for this posting Jennifer. It made me laugh and I really need it today. A good friend was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma yesterday. I’ve never done this before (lucky me to get to 56 and not have a close friend become ill). So I’m seeking out and enjoying the giggles and laughs from wherever they come.
And I’m loving the Contessa thing. It works!
Hi, Ann Marie. Glad I could offer even a little relief. I’ll keep your friend in my prayers. One of my good friends was diagnosed with that very same disease 27 years ago and she is going STRONG still. Jen
Wow…that’s so encouraging to hear Jennifer. I know my friend will appreciate hearing that.
Thanks so much for sharing that info with me.
You made me laugh as usual. I think I have you beat though. The other day I received an email that I have a long lost relative that has met with a tragic end and I might inherit $17,000,000.00. I just have to contact them and they will let me know what information they will need so that I can prove that I am indeed related to this person. Should be a piece of cake, right? Then I can sit back and sip martinis all day!
Anne, this is so great. Make sure to give them all of your personal information, since you aren’t going to need your identity anymore after you cash all that money in.! By the way, everyone — we’re joking. Don’t try this at home. And never give out any info.
Love it, Jen! I used to be asked to be known as “The Queen” or “Your Highness” for short! And yes, I also am very lucky to have won not just thousands, but MILLIONS of pounds, euros, dollars, and other forms of currency! We are indeed members of the chosen few! BTW: I adore the tiara in the picture! I was born on Valentine’s Day so I love hearts! I would look good in it too! I don’t have the baby-making hips, my sister and I have what she calls “The Dreaded Butt-Gut”. It’s where you don’t have a butt, but instead, all of that fat and meat are attached to your gut in front. It makes our pants fit weird and makes it look like we got in a car wreck and are walking around backwards with our head turned the wrong way! Good to laugh with you, my LATvian friend! Have a stellar day.
I love your sister’s description. One of my friends describes her similar figure this way, “I have the ass of a cat.” By the way, I’m the day after Valentine’s Day. Jen
Gotta get me one of those tiaras!!! That shouldn’t be too hard what with Halloween right around the corner.
Thanks for the laugh. Gotta run now, Target awaits!
You’re right. You should be able to find your very own tiara with no trouble these days!
YOU rock!
It’s Tuesday and I really miss our Noon calls.
The Facebook page has slowed down…
Please send all of the BIG MONEY emails my way! One of the might be real!
Hugs! <3
The next lottery I win I’m giving to you.
Hilarious!
I used to get those emails or the ones where some dignitary from a foreign country wanted to share an unclaimed inheritance with me. All I needed to do was send my banking info so they could deposit it in my account.
Sadly, I didn’t jump on my good luck right away and eventually forgot about it. Silly me! I could be sipping a Cosmopolitan on the Rivera right now.
As for what you want to be called when you become a grandmother–I always thought I wanted to be called something other than Grandma, Granny or Nanny.
Once my first grandhild was born, however, there was nothing sweeter to my ears than the first time she said “Gwandma.”
As for your Midlife Beauty Contest where every contestant is a winner–now there’s a competition I can believe in.
So that’s what happened. They stole my 600,000 pounds to give to you. Well, as long as it’s going to a good cause — and you are — I guess I can’t complain too much. Word to the wise, those friggin’ tiaras have a way of falling off. Let me just tell you that sitting on one of those things is NOT a walk in the park. Now where did I put my doughnut pillow?
I think my bank balances are even after the lottery winnings are offset by all the ransom money I’ve been asked to send to free my dear friends/cousins/uncles who have been kidnapped in all sorts of unsavory places. And when my boys are asking for too much too often, they are required to address me as “Mommy, Princess of the Universe.” And so it shall be forever, no matter how old and super cool they get. Love the post, Jen!!
I just had to come on by and see what you won! You lucky lady! Yesterday I won a cruise for four to Jamaica. When I informed the lady that I would never apply to win a cruise for FOUR because there are SIX people in my family, she was adamant that I was wrong and she was right. Love your tiara, and love the whole “Contessa” to the grandbabies. I have also insisted that there will be no “grandma” or “nanny” in this house. My grandkids will be told to call me…wait for it….Sandra. I like “Contessa” though. Mind if I borrow? My oldest is 16 so I shouldn’t have grandkids for at least another 11 months. Gives you time to decide
Love your story! Who are these strange people who send those emails and letters? I once was asked to pay for ‘ a very rare emerald’ that they had sent to me because I was intelligent and beautiful. The only wanted a few thousand pounds. The priceless jewel was in fact a large piece of grit! Naturally I sent them the money by return
Great article. I am currently winning the TransMexicanCanadianEuropean Lottery, I’m super excited about that. If for some reason my numbers don’t pay off, my close Uncle from Nigeria that I’ve never met was killed in a horrid Tsunami. Poor Bugger!!! And if all else fails and those don’t work for me. I’m also working from home, accepting strange looking packages containing stranger looking checks. Come Tuesday, I’m running all those to the bank and Western Union Moneygramming all those funds to Mr. Screwyaovah in England. < I’m in the Money… I’m in the Money….
I’m so sorry about your uncle.