Has this ever happened to you?
You got motivated. Yep. You were on fire to change your damn life. You were gonna lose that weight, pay off your credit cards, wash that man right out of your hair – whatever.
And, for a couple of days or even weeks, you’re doing it.
But then, life crept back in. Maybe there was some mini-crisis that made you believe you needed to just hit the “hold” button on your new program of action. But, while you were on your short break from your reinvention plan, something else happened. And that needed your attention too.
And then, slowly one thing led to another and you forgot to remember your promise to yourself. Your progress toward the “new you” hit a dead stop.
And then, the hatin’ started. Your self-talk was a constant stream of negativity. You did it again. Failed. Your mother was right – you never finish anything you start. Who are you anyway to think you could be fit, strong, solvent, loved?
Plus, you still have responsibilities. There are kids to finish raising, bills to be paid, projects at work that are already overdue.
What’s the use?
Well, babe, it’s not completely your fault. (Note the word, “completely.” We’re coming back to that.)
The world’s demands of you AND your complicit acceptance of said demands have co-conspired to keep you stuck.
In my work as a change agent for women, I have discovered that there are several situational barriers to change that are pervasive and unique to our age group. These barriers develop because of expectations and demands – yours, society’s, your mate’s, your kids, your extended family, the tax department, your employer, your church, your beliefs, etc.
And now, please revisit that little bit above where I mentioned that the reason you are stuck isn’t “completely” your fault. You do own some of it. And Sweetheart, that is a GOOD thing IF you look at it this way:
We do not use the fact that we are partially to blame for our life circumstances as just another way to smack ourselves down. We own it.
Here’s why:
When we own the stuff that is truly our stuff, we have the power to change. (click to tweet)
Unless you accept personal responsibility for your current circumstances, unless you put the burden of change fully on yourself, then you can never hope to become unstuck.
If someone else is to blame – if some institution, family history, societal mores – whatever – whenever anything else is to blame, then THEY have power over your life circumstances.
That’s because you just gave it to them.
Blaming others makes you impotent. (click to tweet)
The practice of blame dooms you to muddle through your sorry-ass life the best you can until the kids grow up, someone kicks it, and you get that insurance or inheritance windfall – come on, you know you’ve thought it.
Here’s what’s seductive and tricky about blame – you’re sort of right. All that stuff is sort of to “blame.” There are a lot of expectations and demands placed on women in our culture.
But WE are to blame too. Because we have accepted them. We don’t say “no” smartly. We don’t ask for help. We think all the other women are doing it right and we are doing it wrong and we couldn’t possibly admit it because then everyone would know what a fluck up we were and then . . .
Well, then what?
What exactly would happen if we admitted we needed help? What exactly would happen if you suddenly just stopped?
. . . Playing the game.
. . . Looking good.
. . . Smiling.
Oh, for the LOVE OF GOD, please stop smiling when you don’t feel like it! (click to tweet)
The other day I read this article and it said that OPTIMISM was so incredibly critical to success in life.
I’ve been stewing about it ever since.
Here’s why: Optimism is all well and good when you are actively working toward your own beautiful dream. But optimism is a pile of horse doo doo when it is used as a mask for a broken heart, depletion, exhaustion, sadness, frustration.
We need to strike a balance between looking on the sunny side of life and taking a cold, hard, HONEST look at our circumstances.
First bravery. THEN optimism.
The order there is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL.
Optimism without integrity is the warden that keeps every woman jailed in her unhappy life situation.
Quit lying to yourself and others.
If you are stuck, if you can’t seem to get the staying power you need to move your life in a different direction, the first thing you need to do is to stop lying to yourself.
Own your part. Don’t worry, you won’t get kicked out of the choir at church and the PTA is always scrambling for smiling women to bring the sprinkles to the next insipid ice cream social.
If you want to be more than a smile covering a broken heart, than stick with me. We’re gonna crack this thing wide open.
Change’s acomin’, girlfriend.
Yep.
Now, go do something fun. I really mean it about the fun thing. That’s your “Call to Action.” Go do it and report back in the comments below. Now, please. Don’t put it off. If you’re tempted to do so, you need to reread the opening paragraphs.
Love, Jen
P.S. If you’re really ready to Quit Your Bitching and Change Your Life, you’re gonna want to sign up here for updates, an eRetreat, and more. Do it HERE. Or you could stay stuck. Yep. It’s a free country.
Jenn, I LOVE that you mention that we have so many expectations set by our society! I never realized just how many until I started traveling across South America. Including being a “good” parent, spouse, friend, neighbour…About 2 months ago, I went back to Canada for a short visit with family and friends, let me tell you, I was exhausted just hearing everyone talk about everything they have to do! I used to be like that:)
Taking an inventory of everything that is on that “expectations” list, evaluating each one. Does this really need me? Is this bringing me closer to what I really what? Has helped me eliminate so many non-essentials that in the past, seemed to be important. Boy, does it feel good to have let them go. You know what? Nothing bad happened:) Now, I have more time for the essential things.
Love.every.word.of.this.post! Especially what you have to say about the smiles that are masking the breaking of hearts (and spirits I might add). And while we’re at it, can we just say that it’s okay to get angry? To raise our voices? I met a woman whose 14 year-old daughter freaked out when her mother raised her voice. She had never heard her do it before. Seriously? In 14 years? A mother with 3 children, a husband, and a full-time job? It boggles my mind.
As for my fun thing, this evening I’m going to a brand-new Meetup called Women of a Certain Age. I wonder what would happen if I took copies of this post, Jen, and passed them around as a way to break through the usual social chit chat (and insincere smiling) and get a meaningful discussion going? Should I or shouldn’t I? What do people think?
Do it, Carol! It’s the conversation that has been waiting to happen and the time has come.
Jennifer! You gave me a new lead in prompt for my mantra for this period: Optimism without integrity is a prison…that is just the most simply perfect phrasing for what I am striving for these days, and what I am looking for in the people I am willing to spend life with. It is wear-ing and wearying to be other.
Thanks for this! Hope your move is moving forward!
Love and light!
J
Thank you, love. I’m happy to help.
Juicy!
Back atcha!
Yes, this!!! Optimism without integrity is a prison…
This is stated so well. So relevant to my life. Thank you!
Me too!
Can you break this one down into a tweetable quote?:
“Optimism is all well and good when you are actively working toward your own beautiful dream. But optimism is a pile of horse doo doo when it is used as a mask for a broken heart, depletion, exhaustion, sadness, frustration.”
Once a woman is able to make this distinction, it makes all the difference in the world ! Thank you for this clarifier!
Ha!! Here you go. “Optimism is not a substitute for right action.”
Fun thing – My daughter and I busted out the games for her birthday party Saturday and had our own little party. Hey, we had to test them first, right? What a blast and normally this would be taboo for me, I mean, what if we popped the inflatable witch hat for the ring toss game? Who cares! It was my daughter and I having fun in this moment we have right now. That fun carried over to our grocery shopping for the food…we got a lot of looks/frowns, but I send back their judgments with love cuz they are not having a fun day. Yesterday I had been brooding and snappy, reading the usual happiness is a choice stuff, beating myself over the head with a proverbial stick, “smiling” all through supper, but still couldn’t seem to snap out of it. This was just what I/we needed. Thank you!
Yea!!! Thanks for letting me know. J
Oh how I needed this today! Coupled with having breakfast with my soul sister who delivered a similar message – I think I’d better start listening! Someone’s trying to tell me something. OK – after my weekend away with hubby these next few days… I’m going to get back to that copywriting course and working out each day. Then after I get those set in stone – it’s working on my website…. One step at a time – but I have to take the steps. Thank you, thank you, thank you…
You bet!
YES! I was stuck in grief because I couldn’t (didn’t feel I could) get mad. I was so very angry about stuff.
Now, I had to get very very sad to get here. I mean the FEEL IT sad. The roll around on the floor sorta messy sad.
And it passed.
Hi, Shannon. Thanks for writing in. I did watch your video. Thank you.
As a 6 year student of positive psychology (the foundation of wellcoaches training) I especially liked this thought ” Optimism is all well and good when you are actively working toward your own beautiful dream. But optimism is a pile of horse doo doo when it is used as a mask for a broken heart, depletion, exhaustion, sadness, frustration.” At the age of 54, I can finally say, no without an explanation; “stop” when I feel I am being treated disrespectfully and “I can do it/this/that, but I prefer not to” without guilt (well maybe still a twinge here and there). Yes, optimism is necessary to build a biz, build your career, believe that things will get better tomorrow (“this too shall pass”) but if you are wearing rose colored glasses all the time, your picture will never be fully focused for you to see the true colors of the person, situation or environment. Thanks Jen for reminding me that it’s okay to ascribe to “cautious optimism” now and then!
Does anybody else have an issue with the soul-sucking tv attempting to keep you away from your goals? Almost everyone I know live their lives for what they watch on tv and talk almost exclusively about what they watch on tv and I try never to turn the damned thing on…..but feel very out in left field around people in consequence????????
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Absolutely agree…it is time to take back our brains. Let’s surround ourselves with lively conversation and lofty (but doable) goals…and then gather the Tribe for fun and support. TV can fast become a sorry excuse for living . No one has that much time to waste!
I’m okay with TV. It’s all a balancing thing, though isn’t it?
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