If crappy stuff shows up in your life again and again and again, I want to lovingly give you a mathematical homework assignment. I’d like to suggest you look for the common denominator in all your troubles.
Go ahead and do that now. I’ll wait while you think about it.
. . . take your time, I’m still here waiting. (humming, filing my nails, putting the dishes away)
Did you get it? Did you see what I see?
If bad stuff keeps “happening” to you (btw, you DO hear that weak, passive language, right?), at some point – preferably sooner rather than later – you will benefit from a good hard gaze in the mirror. (Put your bifocals on so you can really see yourself clearly.)
YOU are at the heart of everything that happens in your life.
If people are hurtful to you, please ask yourself why you attract bullies.
If everyone else is getting ahead at work, please ask yourself what skills, behaviors, habits, and personal character traits they have that you don’t.
If you thought you would be “farther along” by this point in your life, please ask yourself what you are doing that holds you back.
If you are saddled by debt, please ask yourself why you won’t live within your means, or why you chronically underearn, or why you spend money on things to fill your “hole in the soul.”
When you take that look, do you see any of the following:
Are you afraid? Do you overspend? Do you have an active addiction? Do you blame others? Are you ungrateful? Have you worked on expanding your spiritual life?
What are you doing or not doing that contributes to the broken parts of your life? (click to tweet)
Once you do that, once you summon up the courage to take full responsibility for EVERYTHING that is in your life, a miraculous shift occurs. When you see where you got off track, the path to your personal course correction suddenly appears.
Take a look. See what you see. Let us know what you see in the comments below.
Embrace all of your beautiful parts.
And then?
Change.
Photo: Flickr, Sean MacEntee
P.S. Free email updates! Just enter your info below. And, no spam, either. It’s not spiritual!
Your helpful insights arrived right on time, as always. I was just sitting here journaling about why I chronically undercharge for my services as English teacher here in the Caribbean of Costa Rica. I came back here knowing that I did not want to try to make a living at teaching English because I already know that didn’t work the first time; the people who really need to learn English simply can’t afford to pay US rates, not even close. And if I charge too little, they don’t take it seriously. But if I charge by the month–up front–many of them cannot afford to pay all at once. And then I remember what I’d already told myself: “Don’t do it!” It’s time to do something else instead. Like fulfill the book contract I signed nearly two years ago. So I think the answer is this: the X in the equation is FEAR.
Hi, Connie. I may be off here, but it sounds like your acceptance here is about accepting that these are just the “facts” of the industry you are in. So often, we want circumstances to change, because they “aren’t right.” As in, it isn’t right that this highly important skill is so undervalued in our world.
And here’s the thing — you may be right. It may be unwise, unfair, or unjust, but if it IS,then what is it in ME that refuses to take the facts for what they are? That whole ’tilting at windmills” thing. As for fear, I’ll extend the same offer to you that I just did to Charlotte:
In two weeks, I’m introducing a new fear-busting strategy session for my readers. If you (or anyone else) wants to have a preview, please email me at jennifer@lifeaftertampons.com
Some how, Jennifer, your emails always arrive just when I am thinking about the exact topic you write about. As your other reader, Connie, commented it is fear for me as well. I don’t know why I use fear to stop myself. I have decided I must take action with respect to a family situation – I look after my father’s needs and my other three siblings are not helping at all. This has been going on for sometime. I have encouraged my father, who is mentally all there, to speak to them in this regard but he will not. I now feel it is my right to say something to them even if they get angry and maybe not want to talk to me. I figured what do I have to lose, but again, fear creeps in and I always question my actions. I know it is something I need to do for myself. For me, overcoming fear is my biggest impediment.
Thank you, Anne, for writing in. I’ll be thinking of you and your whole family. Jen
Love this. It’s all about taking responsibility and making different choices. Being a victim keeps you stuck in exact place where you feel victimized. Most recently for me I have had a good hard look at old toxic relationships and take a brave stand to let go of them. What a relief.
Oooh, toxic relationships. That’s a GOLD MINE for self-reflection.
I’m on Day 6 of a 30-day Fear Cleanse. The common denominator at the root of all my current daily challenges is: me. The most ferocious life-sucking monster-under-the-bed is: fear. Followed closely by lack of faith. It’s amazing how real life funky stuff has forced me out of intellectualizing spirituality into actually living it.
Charlotte, thank you for sharing your courage about your fear (you say that too, right?) In two weeks, I’m introducing a new fear-busting strategy session for my readers. If you (or anyone else) wants to have a preview, please email me at jennifer@lifeaftertampons.com.
And thank you for writing in. Jennifer
It really is all about me!
I am ultimately responsible for my feelings…the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I choose to turn my messes into my glitter! I will survive and as a result – sparkle!
Keep on kicking our butts, so we don’t sit too long and miss the adventures.
XOXO
I loved the glitter part. More of that. Jen
Okay, I’m going to give you my fearless, knee-jerk reaction to this: I refuse to take responsibility for other people’s insecurities or bad behavior! I have been involved in both volunteer and occupational positions in a field where there is a tremendous level of jealousy which often leads to back-biting, bullying, and undermining. For a brief period of time, I asked myself, “What is wrong with me that I keep having these difficulties with people?” Then the day came when I realized that every person who had been involved in unsavory behavior toward me was gone. They had either been fired, moved away, or suffered debilitating injuries and were no longer able to continue their negative campaigns against me. Within just a few short months, I found myself literally catapulted into positions with more influence and prestige than I ever imagined. Did I change? No. I simply kept my head down, my mouth shut, and focused on being a person of character, integrity, kindness, and graciousness, as always. If someone asked something of me, I gave them more than they requested. So don’t try to guilt me into thinking I was the problem.
Oh, I even received apologies from the people in authority for allowing those things to happen to me. They had believed what they were told rather than seeking out the truth for themselves. Novel idea, huh?
First of all, Ellen, I LOVE your fire. And I’m glad you shared it. It’s interesting that you received guilt from the post. You’re absolutely correct in that we don’t cause other people to be crappy. Our part in that kind of scenario is more along the lines of, “Why do I think I need to stay in such an unhappy place?” Or, if I have decided to stay, what is within me that is not letting me make peace in my own heart even amid the chaos.
If you can find your part to why you are unhappy then you have the key to reversing your part of the unhappy situation. When you do that, it becomes less and less important if “they” change because you don’t need them to. You have found your own dominion of joy.
I’m happy that you were able to get there. And that you were so brave in sharing it.
Jen
I am right there with Ellen. I work with 3 men who, in my opinion are bullies. They haven’t been made to be accountable for their unprofessional, unacceptable behavior. There is bullying and retaliation towards me because I, in good faith filed a sexual harassment complaint against one of the 3 men. Now I have 2 retaliating and one following a mom-retaliation order.
Honestly I cannot find a reason why I should be to blame. I am in this job for a year, I am trying to make a change for the area I work in only to be held up by the Union red tape.
Thank you for posting and I love your blog.
Michelle
Hi, Michelle. Thank you for writing in. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I am glad to see that you are working to make a new plan for yourself. Did we talk about “blame” in the piece?
My experience was this: as soon as I saw that I had a choice about how I felt about what other people did or didn’t do, a feeling of deep acceptance began to come over me. When you are in a place of deep acceptance you tend to make fewer mistakes then when you respond out of fear, or anger, or hurt, or shame — or any of that.
Oh, and I should put in a good plug for gratitude and appreciation — for the things that are RIGHT in your life. It doesn’t take the crappy stuff away, it just puts it in perspective.
Jen
Jen, so on the mark!!
Pingback: How to Get More Power — The Promise of Full Accountability | Life After Tampons