A Word about Haters

flickr, ariadna bruna

The other day, I launched something new.  This essay isn’t about that, though.

This piece is about the meanness of one reader who contacted me afterwards because I actually work for a living.

Now, there was a time when I would have been absolutely crushed by the unkindness of this complete stranger.  But this time, the very first thing that came to my mind is something one of my spiritual advisors used to say, “Jennifer Ann, what exactly is this?”

“Is it rejection?  Or, is it protection?” (click to tweet)

Here’s a sad but true fact:  The more you achieve what you want in life, the bigger target you will be for a sad few who seek to bring themselves up in life by bringing you down.

When this happens, please protect your heart and keep things in beautiful perspective.

Not everyone is going to like or approve of what you hope to accomplish in life.  And the really good news is that you don’t need them to.

Now, many will.  I suspect that, no matter who you are, there will almost certainly be a treasured few people who will champion you and your big dream.  (I, for example, will ALWAYS be here for you in that way!)

Most of the people you know will simply say nothing about your success. Either they didn’t notice, or they’re too distracted, or maybe they’re just too jealous to say anything at all.  But at least they have the insight to see that their negative feelings say more about them than they do about you.  And they have the good sense to keep quiet.

But please don’t be surprised or derailed by the others – those very few broken people who mistakenly believe they can bring themselves up by pulling you down.

Hurt people hurt people.  (click to tweet)

Their unhappiness with themselves may cause them to be unkind to you. They may be mean-spirited.  They may even seek to undermine or sabotage your success.

Whatever method they choose, please remember that their acts of destruction are completely about THEM and not at all about Beautiful You.

Don’t let them poison your beautiful heart or diminish the value of your dream.

Keep your chin up.  Have faith that Source will provide a league of champions to lift you up as you seek to bring others along.

And most of all, please don’t allow your fear of how some people might respond to your success to keep you from trying.

There is a wonderful creative Source in the world that is ready even now to lift you on the wings of greatness.

Have faith in that.

And then, we rise.  We act.  We fearlessly love and believe in ourselves.  If you like, you can even share your own Best Practices about dealing with destructive people in the comments below.

Blessed Be.

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76 Responses to A Word about Haters

  1. Louise says:

    One of the greatest lessons we learn in mid-life. Hopefully.

    Still need to continually remind myself from time to time. It is esp. true for those of us who really put ourselves out there. I am a speaker, a blogger and a Zumba Fitness Instructor. I live with my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there.

    The hardest pill to swallow is not getting the support from those who are supposedly your friends. But as you stated, that is their sh&% not mine!

    • Jennifer says:

      Thank you, Louise!!

      By the way, commenters who are obviously skinny make me feel inferior and want to hate on their zumba-loving joy! NOT!!!!!! I’m so damned glad you wrote in — thank you!!!!!!

  2. vicki says:

    hugs, jennifer.
    my technique? when i run into a hater, i do a quick check to see if there is any merit in their response. if yes – i drop into thank you for your input, i’ll give that some thought mode. if no – i drop into thank you for your input, i’ll give that some thought mode. lol.
    regardless of the merit, i don’t react emotionally. i determined years ago that it was physically and mentally unhealthy for me to react to negativity, anger, rage or hate. it’s like i drop the curtain between me and the other person. took a great deal of practice to get to that place and i’m very relieved to be there.
    then i go away and evaluate the negative response again. if there was merit, i try to find a way to fix whatever the issue is, and then let the other person know. depending on the person, (i.e. the closeness of the relationship or the likelihood of further contact) i may ask them to bring their concerns, etc. to me in a more positive manner. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t…
    regardless it is empowering!
    hope this helps someone… vicki 🙂

    • Jennifer says:

      yep, I did this, too. Look for the kernel of truth, adjust if you find it. either way bless. move one. Thank you so much!! J

      • Laurie says:

        That is how I try to react, but the odd time, my hormones make me a bit emotional so reaction time is cut way short.

  3. Sandy Weiner says:

    Love this post, Jennifer. Especially this: ‘Hurt people hurt people’. When I started blogging for the Huffington Post, I knew there would be haters, but I wasn’t fully armored up for the onslaught.

    It took some processing, and deep down I knew it was about their sh@*%t, not mine. And some of the comments were more hurtful than others.

    I think the ones that hurt the most touched on something I still carried some shame around. I had to work through that. I had to ask myself, “Is this even a little bit true, and that’s why it hurts?”

    Sometimes, the answer was yes. But most of the time, it was a big fat no.

    I got a nasty Facebook message last week from a hater. I reported her for abuse. That was an empowering step for me, as someone who tolerated abusive comments for a long time. I just didn’t have the skills to respond in an empowering way before. Or the ability to know when to just walk away and ignore.

    Let’s literally or figuratively not stand for any abuse, but keep moving forward towards the bigger mission. Because at the end of the day, we are bringing a lot of good to the world. We are taking risks. And I’m glad we are!

    And as a side note, on the Huff Post, if you wait long enough, other people come to your defense. It’s a beautiful thing!

  4. Any time we step up in a bigger way there will be people who don’t like it. A changing YOU makes THEM uncomfortable. You don’t say whether this was someone you were already connected to (or maybe even a family member…they can be the worst), but it really doesn’t matter. I love what you are doing and I love sharing a similar path with you. Our menopausal sisters need to hear it! And as a coach of mine once told me “SWSWSWSW” (Some Will, Some Won’t, So What, Someone’s Waiting). Rock on!

  5. Jane London says:

    I’ve been a radio host for about 30 years, which is more than half of my adult life. The advent of email and now, social media has greatly increased the ease with which my detractors can trash me.

    There was a time when I took it very seriously and a complaint or downright nasty note would almost make me nauseous with self-doubt. “Am I really as horrible as ‘anyonymous’ thinks I am?”

    But, I’ve learned over the years, that in my profession and many others, when you put yourself out in the public eye, this stuff comes with the territory and as I have grown and matured and become more comfortable with me, it bothers me less and less.

    The turning point came about 2 years ago when I walked into my office at 5 a.m. and listened to a voice mail that ripped me up one side and down the other; it wasn’t a specific complaint about something I had said on the air, but someone who just flat-out didn’t like me. I listened, put the phone back in the cradle and literally bounced into the studio. I no longer cared. Wow…epiphany time.

    Sadly, we live in an era where everyone is compelled to ‘comment’ (yes…I’m aware of the irony) and opine and spew and spout and rage and rant. It’s tiresome when all anyone wants to do is come from a negative place.

    As I get more and more into my own spiritual path, I am working on holding my tongue and keeping my ego in check.

    So, Jen…chin up, tits out! It’s all good. Bravery is seldom rewarded right away:)

  6. There are always haters in every facet of our life. The hard part for me is seeing my kids come upon these haters as they try to make their way through work and school. This has just happened recently to one of my sons during his winter semester at school. I’ve always told my kids that you are always going to meet people along your journey that just despise the world and try to make you feel that way as well. I have personally found in dealing with people that if I treat them with kindness and politeness, they seem to drop their defenses and begin to be more reasonable. Most people. When they continue to be unreasonable, then I would stand my ground or walk away, but you must never allow these people to stand in your way of what you want or need to do in life.

  7. Teresa says:

    I remember a few years back when I first started out as an Entrepreneur and I was confronting a lot of negative baggage and felt jealous of others online. It was an opportunity for me to look deeper into why those feelings existed and what in me needed healing.

    As I’ve grown personally, I’ve learned to insulate myself from the reality that whether online or offline, I will be subject to criticism and “Joy Haters” like the one you experienced. To survive with this level of vulnerability takes a great deal of personal strength. I think it’s safe to say those of us here, know you put your heart and soul into your work and you mean it!

    This post is a good reminder of the need to ground ourselves each day for the unfortunate unexpected responses that can occur.

    Love and hugs.

  8. Virginia says:


    God’s timing is SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! It is not by accident that I received this post of yours in my inbox, on this day, and at this delicate time!

    I am in the process of planning a wedding totally out of my pocket and without the financial assistance of any other family member except my fiancé. The bridesmaids I chose, in the beginning, ALL stepped up and volunteered to help and assist with whatever I needed. I was over-joyed and grateful.

    Now that we are 30 days away from the wedding, yesterday my MOH decided it would be a fantastic idea to blast me via text msg expressing her thoughts of me. Stating, that I have been pompous, callous, ungrateful, and rude. The text came completely out of the blue after not hearing anything from her for 4 days.

    Hurt people, hurt people. Somewhere along the way I must’ve done something or said something that hurt her however instead of calling me on it and addressing it with me, she’s allowed it to fester and now explode, dump, purge, and unleash. After taking some time to dwell on the words she has said to me, I realized that she, in turn, also called all the other bridesmaids and vented to them her frustrations of me trying to recruit the bandwagon. The others have notified me and informed me of her Sh$&. The others do not feel the way she does and they have actually done way more for me than she has without me even asking them to!

    I realize now, especially after reading your post, that this blow-up is merely an expression and a reflection out of her own fear of feeling inferior and the fact that she has not done anything a MOH should do for the bride. That’s not to say I’m entitled to anything – because I am not. However, when someone tells me they are going to do something for me, then damn it DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO, WHEN YOU SAY YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT, AND HOW YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT!

    Yes, I set my expectations and standards high for myself as well as anyone I choose to have close to me especially when plans are being made around a promise that someone delivers and or doesn’t.

    Your post has opened my eyes a little wider. I am grateful for you, for your wisdom, insight, and mercy-filled straight talk. I am not enduring menopause yet as I am only 32 however I feel that as a young woman, having grown up without a motherly role model, I value the wisdom you are instilling in me which is preparing me for my future feminine life, embracing my virtue, and using my power in a tactful manner.

    My only wish is that I wish people could realize that if Grace were an ocean, we’d all be sinking!

    • Jennifer says:

      Love, I just tweeted that last line — and gave you credit. You already have wisdom. I’m so happy that you are here with us. I have a LOT of readers who are younger. Thank you for being among them. And, I wish you a joyful beginning to your new life!!


  9. Jeanette says:

    argh! I hurt just reading this post…one of my biggest challenges has always revolved around taking things to heart, good and bad. However, over the years and with a great deal of help from my friends (and Mom…and a pro or two!), I have come to deal with them in very similar ways to those well-written responses, above (thank you, Vicki and Dr. Anna for saying it better than I can….I especially love the SWSWSWSW!) My imagery for it is one of a duck, as in ‘let it wash over me like a duck’ and ‘Someone’s shit is flying at me, Duck!’ It helps. If any of it hits me, I look at it carefully for relevance and wipe it off. Then I think to myself, ‘I wish that person well, I wish them health, and I wish for them to find happiness somewhere that I am not.’

    I don’t always get it right, but…what can you do? I love that you turned your detractor into something valuable like this post. Thank you, dear Jen!

    • Cristine says:

      Lovely comments all! Jennifer, I particularly like this phrase, and will start using it today!

      ‘I wish that person well, I wish them health, and I wish for them to find happiness somewhere that I am not.’

    • Jennifer says:

      Hi, Jeanette. Yes, when you are an autobiographical blogger, it’s all fuel and fodder. Thank you love for the “duck” part, too.


  10. As you know, I did a lot of growing last year…. I have always been successful in my life but life had handed me a pretty big blow and I was struggling to get back to success! Historically, I have always carted around one abusive asshole and called them a “friend”… I now suspect this was so that the abusive asshole that lives in my head had an ally, lol… I ditched the last of the abusive assholes in about October (even the one that lives in my head… mostly ;)) but I am riding a success wave right now and this last asshole is trying all of these passive aggressive ways to undermine… it’s hard not to engage and also liberating not to engage. Knowing and acknowledging that this person is VERY hurt (“hurt people hurt people”)… even encourages me to send her some love and some light and get on with what I’m doing! Once again, your post is perfectly timed (literally laid awake last night writing my Oscar award winning speech to this person that I will never get to deliver) and makes me wonder if you are, in fact, psychic!

    • Jennifer says:

      Please post the speech here. We all want to hear it and congratulate you!!

      • Jeanette says:

        Please forgive me for jumping onto your post, but that statement: ‘I now suspect this was so that the abusive asshole that lives in my head had an ally, lol’ is brillant (and funny!) and so absolutely relatable. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! thank you!

      • nah, the speech is too personal no one would get it but the “hater” in question…. I did, however, add my “AND FURTHERMORE…” down below! lol! Love you so much Jen!

  11. Cija Black says:

    Thank you it’s exactly what I needed to hear this morning 🙂

  12. Holly says:

    When I am confronted with a ‘hater’ as you call them, I remind myself that some people are so unhappy within themselves that the only way they feel better is to make someone else feel as bad as they do. Then instead of feeling hurt by them, or angry at their response to me, I feel pity for them.

    I was raised by a mean mother who did this to me on a daily basis, but treated my three siblings completely different. It crushed my spirit as a child but as an adult I have come to realize that she did not hate ‘me’…he hated herself. We do not have a relationship because she has never changed. But I overcame the abuse of my childhood and have become a healthy woman. Having come from a mother who was like this, I can easily handle strangers who are haters.

    Hugs to you. Don’t let it dampen your spirits 🙂


    • Jennifer says:

      Your childhood story made my heart hurt. Your strength and wisdom made it soar again. Are you a writer, by chance??

      Love, J

  13. Janice says:

    I have been travelling for seven months across Canada and down the Eastern Seaboard to Florida. Just me and my navigator – a lab shepherd cross who loves me even when I am lost and dinner is not on the horizon. Along the way I have met many wonderful people and have enjoyed hearing their travel stories. Sometimes they give me cautionary advice as well which on occasion has kept me out of trouble. Occasionally their words scare me, and I feel my desire for safety start to expand and start squeezing out my sense of joy and courage.
    In some dry sandy areas of Florida, I have discovered the sand burr, a weedy sharp burr that likes to stick to socks and shoes and get in between the pads of my dog’s paws. It’s very sticky and painful to walk on and can hurt to remove. But once I have plucked it out, it’s completely gone, and my dog jogs along like nothing happened. That’s what I am practicing on my journey, letting go of sand burrs and holding onto love. And I know my pal is cheering me on when he looks at me with those big brown eyes – he’s saying let it go Babe, just let it go…and let’s move on to dinner!

  14. Patty says:

    Why Jennifer Ann Boykin – How dare you endeavor to live your life to the fullest, utilize all your gifts and reach your full potential! All the while shining your light to allow and assist others to do the same!
    The unmitigated gall! What a B.I.T.C.H.!
    (BabeInTotalChargeofHerself) <3

    • Jennifer says:

      You had me there for a minute. Oooh, shame wave crashed upon me and, mercifully, I had the stones to read to the end.

      Lord, I have work to do.

      Thank you, love!!!

  15. Bea says:

    Sometimes, the “haters” in your life don’t come across as haters, but they act and say things that tell you that they consider you a “threat” to them somehow, so they do things that you are aiming to do but they do it “first” and then brush you off in so very many subtle ways. That’s what I’m dealing with right now.
    So all I can do is hold my head high, know that I’m ok and clean them out of my life!
    Thanks for your post today!! (and everyday!)

  16. I tweeted your essay after I followed you after I saw your post on the Ultimate Blog Challenge. That’s a lot of hoppin’ eh?

    Here are the words I could relate to the most:

    “And most of all, please don’t allow your fear of how some people might respond to your success to keep you from trying.”

    I was saying this to myself just this week. My gentle self added, “Dear Julie, Why are you giving your power away to people who were your supposed friends ten or more years ago?”

    THANK YOU for the great reminder… pretty cool I found you on this last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, eh?

    • Jennifer says:

      Dear Julie, I always feel so humbled and touched when people go out of their way to spread the word about our site.

      Thank you, and welcome!

  17. Janet Snyder says:

    In my experiences the people who choose not to be tolerant and civil to others truly harm only themselves. I worked as a paralegal for a Public Defender’s Office which made me a target for lots of comments from people who had incorrect ideas about the legal system. This included some in my own family who couldn’t understand why I would help “defend those horrible people.” Despite all the anger/hate, I consider this employment the most meaningful of my life.

    I felt sorry for those people who made the choice to hate me, the attorneys, our clients because it was easy to see how that hate diminished them, sucked all the joy from their life.

    Hate and fear feed on each other and they build an armor around a person that over time prevents them from healing. At one national seminar I had the opportunity to hear a young man talk about how when his brother was murdered by a serial killer, his mother focused so much hate on the killer she totally ignored her living children. He said that he and his siblings kept hoping that when the killer was finally put to death they would regain their Mom. But, hate consumes and when the killer was put to death their Mother, as happens the majority of the time, could not stop hating. This young man and his siblings finally accepted that because their Mom made the choice to pick hate from the available options, she would never heal.

    For me, by being the target of hate and by helping represent clients who were an even bigger target of hate, I learned a lot about me. I learned compassion for those who weren’t as fortunate as I; I learned how to not be angry at those who expressed ignorance of the legal system; I learned meditation and personal spiritual values to help me and those I helped represent to get us all through the process; and I learned how harmful it is to let anger turn into hate and hate to grow until it consumes a person’s life.

    • Jennifer says:

      Wow, Janet. I can see that you have done so much work on your heart and spirit. Thank you for sharing a piece of your amazing journey with us.


  18. Love your big fat juicy heart, Jen! I like that too! “Chin up-tits out!!”

  19. Erin Hatton says:

    Great post. I really needed to hear this today. Sometimes it’s not even just others pulling us down – it can be our own inner voices. As someone who’s susceptible to the criticism of myself and others, thank you for this post. As for my own best practices when someone is just plain mean, I try my best to put myself in their shoes, not to judge, and to pray for them while I return love for bitterness.

  20. Big topic for me also. Publishing my blog on Facebook for the first time 2.5 years ago scared the crap out of me. Then, I heard a wonderful author, Anne LeClaire, speak. She talked about if you want to write, you have to develop a lizard skin. Then lately, I learned that it is silence that kills a writer’s work. As long as people are talking and thinking about my work, good or bad, I have done my job. I encourage my readers to speak up – even negatively – shout it, tell people! Just don’t keep quiet or it will be the death of me! And that is how I handle haters. Over this past year this attiude has gone a long way to thicken my lizard skin and make my writing a lot better – from the heart with no fear. Great topic Jennifer and all those above, I loved reading your comments!

  21. Janet says:

    Jen, you offer such a great service to people with your insights, wisdom and encouragement. Most likely this person’s feathers were ruffled because you are pursuing your dream and succeeding. This person probably has no clue why they feel this animosity toward you.

    Would this person you’re referring to want to give away their skills and talents for nothing? As the world turns, there are so few people who have a negative attitude that we are all best served by focusing on those whom we’ve helped, because there are many more of them.

  22. Beth says:

    The trick is to stay strong in your commitment to your passion. Easier said than done of course. Especially when your work/passion is not something that can be measured. My work/passion was being a stay-at-home mom. For years I took all the negative comments (about not having a “real” job) to heart, but luckily I stayed strong to my passion, and eventually learned to see that the comments where coming from those who were unhappy in their lives.

    • Jennifer says:

      Thank you, Beth. When I was home with my boys, I used to say that I was a “highly skilled unpaid laborer.”

      And so darned grateful that I got to share that time with them, too. Though there did come a point where I felt like my brain was starting to rot. So, off to grad school, right?

  23. Thanks so much for this Jen! I really needed this today!

  24. SherriS. says:

    Inspiration and motivation all in one great post! Thanks for keeping it real – and all the ladies for their comments – many made me laugh out loud. They also made me feel like I’m not alone.

    The hardest haters are those I find in my inner circle – jealousy and resentment from my family members since I’ve found my true love, my independence from my very co-dependent family, my passion for photography and some success with that too. They aren’t happy and they resent me for reminding them of what they don’t have by living it.

    • Jennifer says:

      That’s a tough one. I’m learning that it’s my job to go to the people who CAN be there for me with my most special vulnerable parts. SO, you bring your beauty HERE. WE are amazing for each other — most of the time. And ALWAYS in the comments, because I won’t have any meanness in my home.

  25. Diane Standish says:

    I love that you consider you talent worthy of asking for compensation for it! That is something we all need to do-especially me! Somehow I think what I do isn’t really worth that much. Your wisdom, knowledge and intuition is worth MILLIONS! I applaud you for your belief in yourself and what you have to offer! Thank you for this blog and for giving me the courage to believe that I too am worth something and should CHARGE for it!!! Love your blog and love you even though we don’t know each other personally.

  26. You just keep on creating those workshops, seminars and toolkits because we need them…from you! And your time and support are well worth paying for.

    Glad you don’t let wheatie pissers bring you down. Thanks for sharing this.

  27. Christina says:

    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

  28. Ally says:

    After my darling husband died three years ago, I discovered that his sister, who I had considered a close friend for almost thirty years, actually hated me!! All I can think now is that it must have been really hard for her to carry on the charade for so long and I’m surprised that her act was so darn good! I follow the Canine Principle “If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away”.

    For every “friend”I’ve lost along the way, I’ve usually made two or three more. Thanks for all your posts, ladies, I’ve picked up some new acronyms today that will come in useful!

    • Jennifer says:

      Ally, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I love that you’ve transformed the situation and reframed it into gratitude. Massive congratulations to you for that.


  29. Jeanette2 says:

    Thank you, Jen (and all previous commentors). Perfect timing where I’m concerned, as a decades-long good friend has just begun throwing me some bizarre curveballs which I’m now able to identify. Supportive? No. Kind? No. Caring about me as a person & as a friend? No. Giving me a sliver of benefit-of-the-doubt? Well, only the tiniest sliver. You nailed it with the jealous/threatened thing. Something is obviously threatening her, and it seems that the “something” is actually my happiness in any area of my life.
    The lights have turned on — I see the pattern of curveballs now — time to release this “hater” like a trout on a catch & release fishing expedition. I have to trust that better people will show up to fill in any gaps left by the absence.
    Big thanks!!!

    • Jennifer says:

      Hi, Jeanette, thank you for writing in. Before I “release” someone, I take one additional step: I look to see if there is any truth in the feedback they are giving me. This requires you to look beyond the sting, which can be hard to do. But, if I DON’T take this action, then I carry forward whatever behavior or character flaw or whatever is broken into my next relationships.

      I am so glad you took the time to write in. I’m sending you every lovely, hopeful thought. Jen

  30. Mandy T. says:

    Thanks for creating a place that I know I can come to for re-creation, renewed vision, and a revived sense of my own power. And the laughs!! That’s how I best absorb everything…with the laughs! This is such a special, nearly sacred place, and I treasure it.

    So, refreshed, it’s back to the world to practice Ally’s Canine Principle!


  31. Kim says:

    Jennifer–I so appreciate this post, and this blog, and all these lovely supporters.
    A friend said to me today, that its only “when you get big enough to be threatening” that you have to watch out.
    Apparently, you are big now. Not fat.
    Please keep it up. I’ve got a couple more years to go before I turn 50 and I need women mentors like You!
    big hug to you, brave one.

  32. Betty says:

    From Seth Godin’s blog this morning, “It’s not for you.” Remember always that our journey isn’t for everybody else. It’s unique, just like we are. (I gotta say, I love the new Windows phone commercials – 1 of 1.) People love to comment negatively, and I don’t think ultimately that negativity is going to in any way make their lives better, but a critic’s opinion is just that – one person’s opinion. Shake it off and tell yourself, “It’s not for you.”

  33. And furthermore…. LOL! Haters are a great way to check your gut… check if you are on the right path… tune into whether or not what you are doing makes sense for your life RIGHT NOW. If haters make you want to quit than maybe you should – maybe it’s a sign… but if haters make you want to dig deeper, live bigger, succeed brighter so that you can give them one ginormous EFF OFF when you really rock it.. than I daresay you’re on the right track… errrr… is that just me???

  34. Laurie says:

    This (in different words) is what I told my son when he was getting bullied at school. And what I tell my friends to tell their children when they are bullied too. It is hard to not take things personally at times, but if you learn it when you are young…you save yourself years of self-inflicted torture.
    Also being a cashier and in customer service, one has to learn quickly that customers and clients are going to have bad days and sometimes take it out on you. One cannot take that personally. It could destroy you!
    Thank you for the lovely reminders and congrats on having haters!!! 🙂

  35. Jennifer, the saddest thing about the activity of haters is that it’s HARD. When you hate you kick against! Life becomes very hard for a hater, and it just does not have to be.

    It is so much easier to love. The weight of love energy just floats with you!


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