Not long ago, I published “A Word about Haters,” a post that has since become the most shared piece in the history of Life After Tampons.
Of course, I’m thrilled about this. But, also, I just HAVE to know “why?”
What is it about THIS piece that was so compelling, (besides the amazing writing, of course.) Have we universally been hated upon? Or, is there something deeper going on?
Maybe.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the story and then thinking about Beautiful You. Then I thought about the story, and then you again.
And THEN, I had a “memory bubble.” For those of you unfamiliar with this term, a “memory bubble” is some long-forgotten memory that unexpectedly bubbles to the surface of your consciousness.
“Memory bubbles” are just the opposite of “brain farts,” by the way. (click to tweet)
Anyway, I had a memory bubble about something that happened to me about 10 or 15 years back. At that time, I did a little bit of hobby writing for some friends.
I had the worlds’ smallest email list. But, every week or so, I wrote something to my peeps, and they were quite like you – deeply loving and appreciative.
I had one of those horrid high school reunions coming up, and it was stirring up all kinds of crappy crap for me. So, of course, I wrote about it.
The piece I published was called, “Last Picked for Basketball.”
(Before going any further, I should say, just in case you don’t know from actual experience, being picked last for basketball really, really sucks. It makes you feel ugly and unwanted.)
Anyway, I wrote this little piece, and I sent it out to my little, bitty audience.
And you know what? An absolute TON of people wrote me back. Unbidden, my readers sent my piece on to others (think, early social media) and THOSE people shared the piece.
This went on and on. Strangers wrote me back.
It was mind blowing. Flattering, of course. But then, some deeper realization hit me.
How can it be possible that we were ALL “last picked for basketball?” I mean, technically, that could ONLY have happened to one of us.
Indeed, technically, I wasn’t even the last picked. I was probably like 5th from the last. But I was close enough to it. So close, in fact, that it felt like last.
In case you’ve forgotten, let me bring that feeling back. You’re standing there in your dumbass gym uniform. Your thighs are decidedly wobblier than all the popular girls
They are, of course, bouncing and prancing, all over the place, flicking their long hair over their shoulders glamorously.
Can you see it? Are you with me? Can you feel my angst?
Anyway, the first 10 picks or so go very, very quickly. But, as they get down to the bottom, time slows. Each pick is excruciating. They look at you, past you. You’re going “oh me, please don’t make me keep standing here, please pick me.”
But they don’t. Until they do. And it is excruciating.
You still with me?
Anyway, if you are, then you are like the gazillion people who wrote me back and shared that they, too, were last picked for basketball.
Except, in truth, only one of us was.
And it wasn’t me. But, it felt like it was.
Okay, zoom forward to last week.
I wrote a piece about being hated upon. And HUNDREDS of you commented and shared the piece with your own networks. (Thank you, by the way. I’m deeply flattered and overjoyed at that. It kinda sorta makes up for that “last picked for basketball” experience in a very BIG way, too!)
Okay, so years back, everyone could relate to being last picked for basketball. AND, more recently, everyone could relate to being hated upon.
But here’s where we get close to what I suspect may be a bit of an uncomfortable truth: How can it be possible that we ARE EACH the ones being hated upon? If we are all in the position of being “hated upon,” who is doing the hating?
Are you getting as uncomfortably squirmy inside as I did as you draw sort of an inevitable conclusion from this?
The only way we ALL could have the experience of being hated upon is if– at least at some small way mayhaps only once in a very long while – we have EACH been the hater, too.
Deep breath. Deep breath. Hang in there, love, we’re about to get to the glorious forgiveness and freedom that’s at the end of this horrific little Hater Rainbow.
Here we go. Let’s bring it home!
We have all been hated upon. Thus, at least at some time, we must have EACH, in some small way, been the hater.
Ooooh, I don’t like that.
It’s kind of makes me feel a bit ugly about myself.
But, when I’m honest with myself, I don’t have to go back too far in my own memory (two hours, maybe) to find an example of me hating on someone.
Now these days, I almost never hate “out loud.” I have mostly top-secret-only-I-know-it hating going on.
Your thinking is secret to you. It’s difficult to change our thinking, so most of us don’t even try.
Here’s our reasoning: “It’s hard to change my thinking. Plus, it’s not like it hurts you since you don’t know about it.”
But is that true? Is it true that the hatred I harbor in my thoughts is harmless?
I believe all my actions are rooted in my thoughts. Since this is true, I can’t possibly argue that my condemning thinking is harmless.
So, here’s another word about haters: Someone is doing it. And, since we can all relate to feeling it from others, can we ask ourselves if we might not – on very rare occasions – be visiting dislike upon others?
And then there is this:
Do we want to be forgiven? If so, can we extend forgiveness and mercy to others when they harm us? Can we try and grow in beautiful compassion for those who visit destruction upon others because we see, although there are certainly degrees of destruction, in many ways, we hurt others, too?
A word about safety here: just because we forgive other people DOES NOT mean we continue to place ourselves in a position to be harmed by them.
We love. We extend mercy. We forgive. But we learn, too. And we keep ourselves out of harm’s way.
We offer forgiveness, and we try to extend it generously.
Because, if for no other reason, we’re going to need some back by suppertime.
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Um, Jen? One of your best. ‘Cuz, of course, you’re right. I mean, I was never any good at math but even I can still see that I must have been on the other end of the hating thing on occasion. And you’re right – it feels icky. But totally important to reflect on and forgive about.
So, as always, thanks.
Love you.
K.
Thank you, Karen.
I pray every day to be cheerful and smile. Biting back that harsh word is the stuff of better life, truly.
Cheerful is sometimes really really hard for me. As a “words and ideas” person, I’m often lost in my brain and look a bit grumpy, I suspect. Thank you for the reminder, Beth.
Jen
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head Jen! I’ve read that although people come and go in your life, they are in your life for a reason. They might be a mirror to reflect something inside of you. So if there is a hater in your life, they might be there to help you find a trait in yourself- and to bring into the light. If you forgive those who are haters in your life, are you not also forgiving that aspect of yourself?
Yes, that is what I believe. J
There’s a saying among some peeps I hang with that, “if you spot it, you got it.” It took me a while to believe, but it’s true: If someone’s actions are bothering me, it’s because I’m recognizing myself. Owning up to that is the hard part, yet that awareness allows me to choose to change. Thanks for the reminder.
At my house, which is filled with men, I hear “Whoever smelt it dealt it.”
Hi…this may end up beating the other one! I WAS the last one. I was little and scrawny. And I was also the one who got to sit and listen to “Wild Horses” alone while the friends I tagged along with paired off and went to make out. There was no end to this stuff in my junior high days! And little triggers 40 years later can send me right back there…into my “less-than” place.
But I have also BEEN the person who excluded and passively heaped hurt onto someone else…to try to make myself feel better. I don’t think my actions necessarily came from a place of hate toward others, more like insecurity about myself. Which I suppose is hate in prettier clothes, now that I think about it.
I don’t want to be that person any more. So, I think it’s time to forgive myself…and move on. Thanks, as always, for making me think!
Oh, my. Thank you for your bravery. I so hurt for you at that “Wild Horses” part.
Stop making me look at myself! I’m like you, I would never spew out my anger or jealousy to someone else. I just keep it all tucked away in my head.
I am coming to realize this affects the way I think about myself. Sometimes I think I’m a horrible person, not because of what I say or do, but because I know what I’m thinking, and honey…. it ain’t very nice sometimes! Standing in the store chatting with someone, smiling and laughing and the whole time I’m mentally rolling my eyes and thinking really mean things. Yep, I’m not very nice.
See! look what you made me do.
By the way… I was chosen dead last in gym class on many occasions. It sucks.
Thank you, love. Me, too!
Jennifer, great piece!
It is so funny! You could be driving, thinking about the kindness of some of your friends or colleagues, or listening to a radio show that has you welling up with love-tears, when suddenly the guy in the car in front of you stays too long at the green turn-light, and now you are stuck for another round-about of lights, and you scream “You Friggin’ IDIOT”!
That has actually happened to me, and then my spirit coach comes popping out (yes, she looks just like me only she’s nice ALL of the time), and she tells me “that wasn’t very nice, and that certainly wasn’t in alignment”.
I say, “I know coach”!
Every day is a day to learn.
-So glad we are learning together!
Love and Hugs,
~Margo
I love the Spirit Coach idea, Margo! J
Ouch! Yes, I have been a hater. And I have left people for last in my choosing activities, even if they didn’t know they were last. Thanks for keeping us honest and real, Jen. Forgiveness. Compassion. We can never shovel out enough of either one for ourselves and everyone with whom we share the planet.
PS: Love how you think and write!
Thank you, Carol.
What in the world is that thing in the picture?
HAHAHA! I’m with you, Heather! I always read Jen’s posts anyhow, but I HAD to see what the hell that WAS!!! ROFL!
Let me know if you figure it out. I was going for “discomfort” so, I’m guessing I hit the mark.
Yep!
Frustration and personal insecurity are my triggers to think or if I’m alone to say things about someone in less than kind/civil words. I’ve been very passionate about common sense thinking; facing reality; and accepting responsibility even as a child. I have had to work very hard to accept that many people who have wonderful traits and share many of the same things I enjoy being part of, do not always see the same “reality” that I see. My inner spirit coach keeps putting me in situation after situation to make me learn patience, to remind me to be more tolerant. Fortunately over the years I’ve become better at letting out frustrations in private and in a more positive way. I love writing out all the things I want to say to someone, reading what I wrote, considering how much is just my frustration vs how much is truly about the character of the person I’m frustrated with (this does help me decide if their is a real friendship worth keeping or not); and then burning the note in a healing ritual that allows me to let it all go and be blow away with the wind.
It doesn’t always work but for me it works at least 90% of the time. I’m sure, in part, because I believe it will work. It has allowed me to work with and be part of some groups of people in harmony that I otherwise wouldn’t have achieved.
Jen, thank you for writing what you did and reminding me that I’ve not been using my ritual often enough in the last five years and I really need to have some ritual time again.
Ooooooh, thank you for the ritual reminder. J
I was a naturally gifted athlete so didn’t have an issue being picked for sporting teams. At the time I had no idea that there were others who felt left out.
But there’s no way that anyone could go through life without rejection at different points in life and it hurts, we don’t feel good enough.
I have been attending a Zen meditation group for a couple of years. Mindfulness has made me aware of how often I judged myself or others.
Though these judgments are only thoughts going through my head I’ve become aware that each time I judge I’m thinking I’m/your not good enough.
Thank you for the view from the other end of the line, Priska. And here we are — all together after all. J
Ouch…! “if you spot it, you got it.” from Robin summed up my ‘memory bubble’ as I read your piece. (great phrases from both, btw!). As a kid, I was not picked on; was mostly a champion of the kicked, except when I wasn’t…and those times definitely corresponded with my own insecurities (gorgeous auburn hair to my scrawny, mousy mange, one of my crappier moments). When I learned to (still learning, fortunately and un) to make that connection, it also helped me to put the haters who were in my adult life (at least that is when I started to notice them), into perspective. Own less of their stuff, have less of my own…nice correlation, when I can remember it!
Peri, Meno, and I have had a few years of secret hate circles born of insecurities I didn’t even know were possible until I met them! I am not proud of those internal dialogues at all. I am NOT saying they are to blame (ratty little hors (mones), but I do know they (ok, I) was not at my best in their midst. I tried less stridently to lay my hating down. I am happy to say, I am back at the effort and feel much the lighter for it. What I am finding through all of the work, is the true connection you have brought to light here: It is easier to deal with hate coming off of others when I still the hate coming from me.
Awesome post, Jen. Wonderful responses from your Circle…love this place!
Thank you Jeanette. What a lovely, thoughtful response.
I have been thinking about this post a great deal. Every year, on or around my birthday, I go on a self-stylized silent retreat, always with an intention to contemplate, work through, get over. This year for 50 is gratitude; a deep and soul-filled gratitude…you are part of that. Your post and those of LAT circle have followed me, here, and helped me make a connection. As I mentioned above, I was rarely hated upon as a kid, was a proud sticker-upper-for. The girl with the hair still bothers me because, even at 9, I knew better. I keep wondering when did I become snarky in my head? I can see in this silence that, when I internalized several key losses as failures, I turned on myself, and in turn, turned on others. Not aggressively, usually not even out in the open; however, the results were the same. I lost my generosity to self and others.
I feel like, as much as I vilify the bitchy Pause sisters, I am grateful for them, too. Their process in my body has forced me to process what is going on in my heart and mind. to reclaim my sense of giving to, giving back. It has been a rocky road, and I am nowhere near the end, but I can breathe again and am finally back in my own skin…so worth it. On this journey I found you and this Circle; I have also found peace.
I don’t know if you even read this late in the game, as you must be inundated, but I love that I can write it here, anyway.
In gratitude and to your peace, J
Well Jen, you are always always always right, except this time! I was the kid who was picked last. For everything. Basketball, baseball, volleyball, archery, anything with a set of teams. Not sometimes, ALL THE DAMN TIME. I was not only teased by my classmates, I had maybe one friend when she didn’t feel like throwing me under the bus, and everyone else harassed me into complete submission. They had me hiding in corners, in bathroom stalls, and anywhere I could escape. They attacked me in groups, pairs, or all by themselves. I was tall and skinny, towering over my classmates, and there was nowhere I could hide. I couldn’t become invisible enough. I was even stoned by the kids on the playground in Jr. High once as I tried to hide behind a playground ball-bin. Spit on, name-called, humiliated, made fun of, and bullied. I got it all and took the heat and the blame for everyone and everything. I became someone who was sick all of the time just to try and stay home one glorious day out of my life to avoid the horrors that were my life in school. So me, a hater? No effing way would I ever do that to anyone!
EXCEPT in my head. Yep, even me. Of course you are right. I hated them with a hate deeper than all of the oceans and higher than all of the skies and wished that I had an ounce of the power they had over me. My hatred was so black and limitless that if I had been Magick I would have zapped them all with my wand and turned them all into toads and insects and then I would have laughed out loud as I crushed them under my heel and told them how ugly and horrible and worthless THEY were. And of course in my mind I was vindicated, and I had every right and reason to be so hateful.
Given the chance I would have done the same to them and more if I had felt like even enough of a person to speak in their presence. There was not one of those mean little kids who could hate me one one hundredth of a millionth as much as I hated myself. Of course they made fun of me! There wasn’t one like-able thing about me! And STUPID! No wonder no one liked me, much less LOVED me! Even when I DID do something right I did 10 stupid things to prove what an idiot I was. Self-sabotage was the only thing I did right.
The hardest thing I have ever had to overcome, or we all have to overcome, is that horrifying black hole of self-hatred. I think it is the single biggest compassion and happiness-killer of all time. I would say that it is the root of all hatred in the world. The reason that we are bigots and racists and cruel to others is that we are constantly having to prove what horrible people we all are. “Gaze upon me with hatred, for I am the worst excuse for a human who ever existed!”
What a world this would be if we could forgive ourselves finally and forever and embrace the world with our forgiveness and love!
And that, Dear Miss Jennifer, is why we love you so much; for daring to say the unspeakable. That is why this is the best article that can ever be written on this subject. It is the bottom layer of the sh*t pie. The absolute truth.
I bow with sincere humility to your wisdom, my dear tampon-less sister!
Love to us all
Sandy
um. wow. just wow.
How succinctly you traversed us from the last pick on the basketball court…to the current escalating feelings of hatred and bullying…only to drop those same emotions back in our laps for closer inspection as to our role in its origins and advancement. To think…right before I read this post I was focusing on unkind thoughts about an acquaintance, who certainly did not deserve my judgment. Thank you for the reminder that we are all one on this great revolving planet and together it’s time we act like it. Our thoughts really do make a difference. Bravo for a wonderful article!
Thank you, Annie. It helps to know we all have the same challenge. Jen
I like what you’ve said about working with the shadow and acknowledging our hidden haters. So important. But I suspect the big response you got might also have something to do with how we (and I include myself, of course) so easily and comfortably slip into victimhood and making the other person wrong. Poor me. What a hater. The victim persona is effortless and it generates sympathy. We women are champs at commiserating. I’m not surprised that sharing a battle story about a hater provokes a chorus of there-theres and me-toos. As I recall, we’ve been doing this since the basketball team days. Thanks for the invitation to self-reflection. We need it.
Hi, Ruth. What a great point. Thank you for writing in. Jen
OMG Jen-I was always picked last in gym-wearing those ugly dark red one piece gym uniforms and standing there with my big legs that were genetically transfered to me by my dad; and being terrible at throwing, catching or anything else with a ball. I was always picked last! The amazing thing is at in my 30′s I found bodybuilding and became a competitive one for a while and actually was good at a physical activity!!!!
Anyway the rest of your post hits home. Because just as I have been the subject of “hate” I know that in my hidden past or not so past, I have harbored bad feelings toward people. I am grateful to you today for reminding me that what you give out you also get back. Kinda like what goes around comes around (one of my favorite sayings). I can say that in the last couple years I have tried hard to show more love and caring instead of jealousy and resentment. Today the jealousy got me until I visited my 59 year old sister who is in the end stages of Alzheimers. And somehow her ugly disease keeps everything in perspective for me and I remembered again life is about love.
Thanks for your beautiful wisdom that shines through to me!
Hi, Diane. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. You are right that perspective goes a long way toward lowering your sensitivity to the flotsam and jetsam of everyday slights.
Jen
Hi Jennifer,
We have all been on one side or the other of hatred, judgment, last-pick, or first-pick-feeling-sad-for-last-pick-but-too-chicken-to-say-anything.
I was never going to shine in sports, so to compensate for being last-picked for athletics, I found an area in which I could shine–writing, singing, dancing, academics–and stuck to those.
Sadly, no matter where we are in the popularity lineup, there’s always haters in front of you and behind you.
Although I choose to remember myself as happy and kind, the truth is I could be mean, judgmental and even retaliatory with the rest of them. Even now, I catch myself judging someone or composing a sarcastic response in my head.
The toughest thought for me to face is Debbie Ford’s assertion that those qualities and behaviors we hate in others are the very ones we have within us.
Yikes. I still have much to work on.
Hi, Flora. As always, I love your beautiful humility. Jen
Brilliant and uncomfortable, Jen. I’ve been able to look back, oh, say, 20 years and become conscious of my now-embarrassing role in the life of some co-worker or friend, and see that laboring under the philosophy, knowledge (or lack thereof) and intentions I possessed at the time, I was a hater in that person’s life. The co-worker who did nothing worse than wear crooked eyeliner and scritchy polyester fabric, so I made the others laugh with my clever (and mean) descriptions. The couple at another job that everyone believed was having an affair — even though I had no proof, I fed time and energy into helping build up that rumor! The way I’ve discarded men I was dating with no explanation to them, no integrity, just a total disappearance and refusal to return their calls. And those are just the quickest to recall. You are right, if we’re all hated at times then we’re pretty much all the haters some of the time, as well. It can only be turned around by resolving to be more conscious. Every day.
This was very brave, Jeanette. Thank you.
I’m too old to remember if I was picked for basketball or not (LOL), but I had an experience about that “forgiveness thing” recently that was very much like nails on a blackboard. To keep it short — my “best friend” of 28 years out of the blue excludes me in all holiday plans, never calls, talks down to me or interrups me in a conversation and generally has become a “know it all” bore. Yikes, I don’t believe I said that, then I read Beth Moore’s Feb. 11th entry in “Praying God’s Word Day by Day.” She says, “Concentrating on the shortcomings of others can cheat a Christian of truly enjoying the presence of God.” Not only that, it can up the self loathing voices like crazy. I’m working hard at not taking offense when a friend goes “off the track.” Thanks Jen for letting me know that we all have this problem.
Hi, Susan. You’re welcome. J
I’m sitting in front of a fire in a gorgeous spa in one of the world’s most beautiful places–just after getting one of the world’s best massages–and I’m sick and sad and furious because I’m so full of hate & resentment & disgust towards a family member. And then I open this message and I’m close to weeping because I know the Universe just sent me a huge message. I know I need to let it go & I plan to. But it’s going to take work. And right now that hate & anger is protecting me from scarier emotions, so I’m sitting with it right now until I’m ready to move on to those emotions. I’ve been here before. I will forgive somehow & I’ll heal. I think you just jump started me. For the 1000th time–thanks, Jen.
Hi, Carol. I like that you decided to just sit with it for a bit. On the really big stuff, I find that the “baby steps” approach works wonders. Jen
This post had an element of suspense to it that was quite enjoyable, as I wasn’t exactly sure where the scene would end up…great writing!
I don’t think anyone no matter who you are can deny having feelings of hatred on some level. I’d say it’s rare.
The decision to confront our own negative thoughts and feelings about others, as a means to our own healing is one that requires self-love initially. Who wants to feel the hard stuff, generally from our past, our childhood, that we’ve managed to bury away and deny existed? It takes guts to deal…but I believe once we begin to see how it truly frees us, we feel better afterwards, knowing, understanding, and forgiving ourselves with the WHY we hate or resent…we can begin to live our lives with a different mindset and practice of who we truly ARE/want to be, versus who we became (a hater) as a means of survival, and avoidance for healing our own sadness or hidden pains, etc.
I love, love, love how this post took me on a bit of a suspenseful journey and ends on a note of courageous honesty, inquiry, and engagement.
With Gratitude~
So, the only point I disagree with you on here Jen is that we ‘can’t all have been last picked’. In fact, we were probably *all* in different classes, schools and even countries; it’s unlikely that many of us went to the same school and were in the same class. It’s possible that you have gathered yourself a tribe of the dispossessed, those of us who were hated on at school, those of us who were never going to fit into the ‘popular’ mould, those of us who now feel such a sense of community being somewhere we all belong and all feel safe knowing that the other girls here are like us instead of ‘better than’ or more popular than us.
Apart from that, I agree with every word you’ve said here, and I can see how living in a state of fear for so long – fear that we’re never going to be pretty or popular or smart enough – can bring us to hating others for having those things we want most, or hating ourselves for not being able to achieve the perfection we seek. Or worst of all feeling both types of hate at once in an endless downward spiral of hopelessness, hatred and despair.
Thank-you Jen for pointing out that forgiveness too needs to be an endless spiral, this time back upwards into love.
Just had an opportunity to read this post. Observation has taught me that we all seem to be hardwired with an unworthiness button that’s like a fire alarm. It’s okay and even good if we know it’s been set off to deepen our awareness but when it’s been tripped by someone else’s or our own ignorance it can be a real nuisance. I think the original intent of having been wired with this feature wasn’t to make us feel unworthy but to keep us humble, not to diminish our self worth.