Warning: Please don’t read this piece if you are not spiritually open. It will piss you off. Come back next week, though. Because I have a HUGE gift for my regular readers. And I think you will LOVE that.
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So, I gave up pessimism for Lent, which of course brought about a world-class case of the blues.
I’ve been weepy, listless, and just generally in the doldrums.
Now, if you look at the actual circumstances of my life, there is absolutely nothing going on that warrants any of this. In fact, everything in my actual life is pretty beautiful.
It’s just that right now, joy isn’t sticking to me.
I have a bad case of the Februaries.
I used to hate on myself a bit when I got out of sorts. When I was a kid, if you were upset for “no reason,” you were told, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you a reason to cry.” Boy that will shut you up!
At any rate, we can’t give away what we don’t have. So, I’ve learned to be gentle with myself when I get a bit lost on the dark side of the planet.
Self-disgust is not an effective strategy for change. (click to tweet)
When you want to change your life, acceptance is a better first step.
When you accept yourself, you view yourself with quiet compassion. You simply acknowledge what is, and then you try and envision a better way. And then you give that better way a shot.
When you accept yourself, there is no more flailing from one emotional extreme to another. You are neither overly grand nor overly crappy.
You are simply a worker among workers. A human among humans.
You are right-sized.
I gave up pessimism for Lent, but I don’t hate on myself for feeling poorly. I am powerless over my thoughts, at least my first thought.
What I’m not powerless over are my actions.
I see myself slipping into a bit of a dark spot, I lovingly accept that that is where I am, and then I ask Source to show me the Right Actions that will lead me out.
I focus on serving others, because service is a countermanding action that neutralizes self-centeredness. And, my love, negativity is absolutely a thought pattern of the self-absorbed.
Negativity tells me I’m “less than” or “unloved” or “unworthy.” Negativity whispers some pretty convincing lies. It tells my that “if you only knew who I really was, you wouldn’t want to . . . . “
. . . fill in the blank with anything that sounds like “love me” or “work with me” or “play with me” or “hire me” or “be my friend” or “trust me with something important” or “publish my work” or “help me” or any of the other things that I erroneously believe that others have the power to bestow or not bestow upon me.
Because here is what I BELIEVE: “There is one who has ALL power. That one is god. May you find him now.”
You don’t have the power over my contentment. But then again, neither do I.
Everything comes from Source.
Therefore the strategic approach to everything is to strengthen my connection to Source.
Now there is a lot that I can do while I’m waiting to be “restored to sanity.” Source will only do for me what I cannot do for myself. And there is a whole lot I can do for myself, even in the middle of the Februaries.
I can eat well. I can get the rest I need. I can “act as if” I feel better than I do. I can tell on my bad self (which is why I’m writing this confessional piece.) I can look for ways to use my experience — all of it — in ways that serve others.
In other words, I don’t “cherry pick” what I let you see about the way I live my life. That would be a lie. I want to be a catalyst for positive change in the world. I want to be a channel for light and grace and possibility.
My life is a laboratory for grace. We don’t pretend that difficulty doesn’t exist. We simply share it with the profound faith that “this too shall pass” and that all healing is possible.
Here at Life After Tampons, we take full responsibility for the choices we make as well as the ones we don’t. When you live by the tenet, “Quit Your Bitching. Change Your Life” you don’t deny the difficulties of the human experience. But we don’t marinate in them either.
We approach our difficulties in a way that brings healing to others. And that brings me to Beautiful You. I’m guessing that some of you can relate to my experience of suffering from a bad case of the Februaries. That means that you have a piece of the solution!!!
I hope you will share your beautiful experience with us in the comments below.
And, please — Keep Coming Back! Next week, I’ve got something truly gorgeous for you!!!
Love, Jen
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Photo: flickr, Hamed Saber. Title by Ellen, from the coffee shop. Love you, Ellen!
I commiserate with you, though we’ve had a couple of beautiful spring-like days here, the birds are singing, it is still light when I come home from work, and I planted two things in the garden Sunday. It always helps me to get out doors and take a walk, breathe deeply, see the pops of joy all around. I love to see the bits of spring popping up all around. It is coming, really!
You’re right, Betty. And I’m telling myself the same thing. I used to get the Februaries in January, so I’m absolutely claiming progress!!! Jen
I love the truth about which you’re writing. Esp. the encouragement to not let ourselves, “don’t deny the difficulties of the human experience…but don’t marinate in them either.” Self-pity is a powerful discourager, and may be a huge source of “the Februaries” as you call it. I live in Florida–the sunshine state–yet, I can still battle them because this is who I am left to myself. I’m freshly aware of God’s amazing grace in my life even during this smallest month of the year.
Thanks for the reminder, Jen.
BTW, I love the look and layout of your blog. Then, I realized it looks a lot like ours! I guess our tastes are similar as well as our experience.
Blessings!
Hi, Debi. Thanks for writing in. I love that you’re in Florida but can relate to the Februaries!!! Jen
Confession: I rarely post to comments sections. Like, maybe once a year.
But this one got to me today, because someone gets what it is to have the blues – particularly when we “shouldn’t” due to all the blessings around us…
This year, the Februaries are hitting me hard.
My status report:
-Today the wind chill where I live is 30 degrees BELOW zero. I have not been outside – other than to between carbuilding – since, oh, December. That’s when we were out-of-town for the holidays. (I should mention I grew up in Southern California and am a super-outdoorsy person at heart).
-Today marks 3 weeks out from my second knee surgery in the past year. I cannot walk (not that I would want to – see above). And, technically, I have not been able to walk for the past year and a half (only hobble). As a *walker * by identity, this has been a huge loss. Being in recovery is an incredibly lonely journey – even when you have a circle of support around you.
-I am currently embedded in a vortex of perimenopausal hormonal surging + chronic insomnia. Hanging on.
-My father’s dementia is progressing at a distressingly rapid pace. He is the only one in my family or origin that gets me. We are a special club of two. Except one of us keeps re-inventing himself (not by choice). Loss upon loss.
There are other things to bemoan, but those are some biggies right now. And I challenge anyone to top that outside-temperature whine!
Yes, I know I have many blessings; many first-world problems.
AND
I have the Februaries. Bad.
p.s. empathy welcome; please don’t try to “fix” this for me. I am working on them all. Just needed to vent and connect. Thank you for respecting. xo
Oh, love. You don’t need us to fix you. You already have it. I’m sorry this is such a rough patch and I’m so glad you took the time to reach out. You may feel alone. But you aren’t.
Jen
Gail! From a kindred soul-avid runner with foot issues-my heart goes out to you and I send my warmest thoughts and prayers your way. Here’s to your on-going strength and endurance!
Jeanette
Ugh, I so relate to these February blues and I also just lost a dear friend, very unexpectedly, to pancreatic cancer. The proverbial icing on the cake and I’m not talking yumminess. The only way I get through something like this is by getting in touch with my “Sisters” — actually, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I’m reaching out and telling people (not just my gal pals) I’m struggling and that I need help. It’s amazing how my friends and even acquaintances have come through!
Hi, Barbara. I’m sorry to hear about the death of your friend. That’s a biggie, for sure. I love and honor that you keep reaching out, though. It’s hard to do. But my experience is that community leads to healing much more effectively than isolation.
Jen
Several years ago a friend called to tell me she was in her “February Funk.” I suggested that instead of getting all depressed about being depressed that she “DO FUNK PERFECTLY!”
She is quite an accomplished woman, so I suggested that since she did everything else really well, why not do her “February Funk” really really well…and just go for it. She loved the idea and the freedom. But when she gave up the struggle and allowed herself to feel as funky as funky could be, it just didn’t hold on!
Another idea from the world of the “Releasing Technique” would be to ask yourself: Can I allow myself to let go of disapproving of myself for having a case of the Februaries? Can I let go a little more? A little more?
And from the world of EFT/tapping: Even though I have this case of the Februaries, I love and accept myself completely. And then just tap, tap, tap on whatever is coming up about it, your feelings, your judgements, etc. By the time you’re done, the Februaries may have run out of fuel…or you just won’t care anymore!
Happy February!
I LOVE this. Thank you. I’m going to do “funk” perfectly now.
J
Jen, thanks again for saying out loud what I was thinking! The sun is shining today, and that feels a lot better than the past few rainy, dark, dirty snow-filled days. And then I found out that I will probably need a hysterectomy in a few months so I don’t end up with cervical cancer. That was a tough one. Where will I be without my feminine parts? But I processed it. I told my close friends, who were loving and supportive and offered to be my hospital buddy. And that made me feel much better. Because I was no longer feeling consumed by the fear of what could be. I was in the moment, feeling loved, asking for help and receiving the loving embrace of my close friends.
I also get busy with things that fill me up. I write, I painted my son’s banjo with him, I baked, and I moderated a wonderful singles event, answering questions about dating and relationships. That felt great! I was giving, and like you said, giving gets you out of your self-consumption and into contributing to others.
And there’s chocolate. Always chocolate for a temporary fix.
I love what you said about self-compassion. As Brené Brown says in Daring Greatly, our resilience around shame is what we should aim for, not eradicating shame. Same with sadness, I think. It’s about resilience, not eradicating it all together. Noticing it, stepping away from it, and then leaving it behind.
Warm loving hugs to you, beautiful brave Jen!
xoxo
Sandy
You are so right, Sandy. Whatever I resist persists.
J
This week I am determined to make my comment shorter and less filled with painful memories and more helpful! I have to tell you though Jen, I so appreciate the space to be who we are, warts and all, and that you will share your warts with us. I love that about you and us!
I was a February baby, born on Valentine’s day and have always thought that I should be happy during my birthday month but dammit, most of the time I’m not. Being post-tampons myself, I feel like I have learned some strategies, but this month it is real honest-to-pete WORK. I have to will myself to close the computer, get up off of my flabby tush and DO something, anything, every minute of the day. I can’t say that I want to do ANYTHING but be lazy. If I had my druthers I would sit here with a fire and a blankie and unplug the phone, let my hair get ratty, drink tea and shoot anyone who disturbed me. I told my mom if I would have had a demanding little baby in the month of February I would probably have put both of us out of our misery!
That being said, I do try and make the most of February’s quiet moments. I am the kind of person who, if I am sick or down or generally crabby, I get a little self-claustrophobic and start looking for a way out of the little hell I have made for myself. Like you, I am creative, and that creativity is much better medicine to me than any pill I could take, and February is just the kind of month of introspection I need.
If I were an animal, I would be a bear. Fiercely protective of my loved ones, motherly to a fault, and someone who needs to fatten up and hibernate a good long time in the winter. It’s all I can do to make it through the holidays until I can hole up and rest. So, like you, I honor that and plan for a good long gestative and creative period in January and February. It helps so much knowing I am SUPPOSED to be here this time of year.
The other thing is Vitamin D. I take massive amounts of it in the winter. Here in North Eastern Washington State it is very dark and cold and dreary and we still have plenty of snow. If I focused on that I would probably go nuts. I also try and go outside. It is a huge struggle for me, but the sunshine and winter birds singing and extra Vitamin D from the sun really do perk me up. And lots and lots of D. Tons.
Once again, thank you for being here Jen, and thanks for sharing your not-so-gorgeous moments with us and letting us share ours. You are truly one in a million!
Hello, beautiful Sandy. I love your comments!! I love that you own and honor your own process. And, that you keep moving.
Jen
Oh gosh! *blushes* thanks, Jen!
I love the earlier comments. Compassion is the best. As is breathing – a few deep breaths held for a few seconds. Writing about how you feel and where it comes from – sometimes these difficult feelings are worthwhile if we learn from them. And then, writing what you’re grateful for is always good too. And sometimes time is the best healer, so patience and gentleness is good. Best to you, Lauren
Thank you, Lauren!!!
Everything comes from Source. Therefore the strategic approach to everything is to strengthen my connection to Source.
Jennifer, thanks for this. I believe that this is the only strategic plan that consistently delivers.
I noticed the language of recovery in your post, and I have learned that that particular blueprint for coping is powerful for anyone. Just admitting to ourselves that we don’t control anything lifts a weight. So like you I can be swimming in the blues but not drowning in them. Surrendering to Source helps me be a better observer of the events of my life so that I don’t take on responsibilities for crazy stuff that is not my responsibility.
Thank you, Phyllis. Jen
Hi Jen,
I know it’s freezz’n. You are allowed to hibernate, sleep more, have a hot bath, or drink soup…but don’t drink the bubble bath. Ginger tea or a chai with ginger may feed your soul.
Another option is to find a swimming pool, in doors- yes, in winter! Pretend you’re hot, close your eyes and take a leap. You will circulate away all stored catecholamines…30 min will suffice! Then partake of a steam/sauna room and you may cheer up another who is just maybe trying to thaw herself out.
Thank you, Florence. I haven’t found an indoor pool yet where we live, but I’ll put I’ll take a look now.
Jen
I just returned from visiting my Mom in a memory unit – she’s just 73 years old. She’s been on this steady, rapid decline for three years and though most people would be able to draw on memories of better times in the past – I’m not sure she was ever happy. I’m not sure she got anything that she wanted out of life. She saved everything she possibly could, taking one vacation in 23 years and and this is what she wound up buying herself – a $6000 a month dementia care room. A woman from a church we barely attended comes to see her every week as part of a mission program and spends one hour talking with her about whatever comes to my Mom’s mind. Which, apparently, regularly involves my Mom asking her if she’s “part of a cult.” And the lady just smiles and offers compassionate reassurance. And spends more time with her than I do – because when I’m visiting I’m arranging new underwear, diapers, medications. And then I go to my home, 900 miles away, and look at my bank account – depleted after four years of this back and forth – but lucky to be self-employed with enough flexibility to do it. And still bring in something. If I move her closer to me I take her away from the friends she’s known all her life that still visit. I can’t do that. I can’t afford to do what I’m doing, because I don’t know when it will end. I don’t do half as much as my sister who lives close by. And so I came home last week and spent an entire day in bed, and ever since there’s been this repeat in my brain – “You’re depressed. You’re hurting. There’s no point to what you do.” Another part of my brain knows it’s ok – it’s a phase. But I’m not in that part of my brain right now. So I’m setting the bar low this week. That’s my strategy. Lowered expectations. Getting dressed just to gym clothes (and going to the gym). Making healthy food but not punishing myself for eating Cheez-Its. Planning a big vacation with my husband.Thanks for listening.
Oh, my, this is a tough one. I’m so sorry for your pain. I wrote a piece a while back called “Lower Your Standards.” Here’s the link:http://www.lifeaftertampons.com/2011/11/29/lower-your-standards/
I’m glad you’re allowing yourself the Cheez-Its. Will you check back in from time to time to tell us how you are?
Jen
HR -
I can relate.
Your point reminds me of a passage from Jai Pausch, Randy Pausch’s wife (the “Last Lecture” guy):
“A wise friend once said happiness is more often obtained when our expectations are in line with and changes with reality.
I think we often operate under false hopes or we’re thinking about how things were in the past.
When we see life for how it really is around us and we adjust our behavior, decisions and wishes accordingly, there’s a greater chance we will be pleased with how our lives are progressing.”
-Jai Pausch
Oh HR! How I want to give you a big hug, make you take a hot bath with a tall glass of wine, tuck you in under some warm quilts and take care of you for a few days! I so understand what you are going through. I tap-danced my way through 5 years of my dad’s steady decline and I say tap-danced, because I danced so very hard just to keep from falling down and not getting up. I sooo get it. I stayed waaay too busy just so I didn’t stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head and not get up. One day I realized that I am made of stronger stuff than I was giving myself credit for. Every day my Dad kept going throughout some of the toughest things I have ever seen anyone go through, and my Mom kept helping him, and I kept thinking, “My GOD!! How in the name of all that is holy do they DO IT??!!” Mom would say, “I cry and cry and then make cookies.” (She is the one who taught me to tap-dance!) Dad would just shrug his shoulders with this enigmatic look on his face that spoke volumes. It’s as if he was saying, “What choice do I have?” or “I can’t be sad because that would hurt your mom.” or “I can’t give up or I would die.” One day he told me (it was very hard for him to talk) that he couldn’t die because then Mom wouldn’t have anyone to take care of her. And because half of his pension wasn’t enough for her to get by on, or so he thought. Right up until I begged the doctors to give him morphine so he could relax enough to let go of that thin thread of life, he fought like the daddy bear he was. I am so proud of him. He kept walking and talking and feeding and dressing himself no matter how hard it was. He was such a brave, strong, person! I am his daughter and I am strong too. I would think, “I can’t!” then think, “Of course I can. My job isn’t nearly as hard as his!!” I would think of all of the times when I was a kid that he wouldn’t let me give up.
I think of your mom who is still fighting and working every day doing what she does, even though her memory is fading, and the strong children that she raised. It takes a great deal of daily strength from all of us to keep trying to slay those dragons when there is no end in sight. Up until my dad’s last 2 days on earth I had no idea if he was dying or just living a fresh, new form of hell for every day. It is horrible to watch them deteriorate into a seeming unending deep well of pain and suffering. It leaves you looking for any way out possible for you AND them.
Please, for your sake and hers, plan vacations and breaks and rewards for being the good daughter that you are. You so deserve it!! Go out to lunch with your friends and develop a sisterhood who can support you. Find a support group if you can. Take long bubble baths and take yourself out to dinner. I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband. He doesn’t particularly fawn on me with lots of pity, but he is there and it means a lot to have him in my life.
I pray for some consolation and hope in your seemingly hopeless and endless situation.
Huge hugs and love, Sandy
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! It’s a long battle, but I’ve spent the last few days just being the best at being in a funk (thanks to someone else who said that in this thread!) that I could possibly be. I cooked home-y foods for an entire day. Got dressed to gym clothes level but didn’t workout. Split a bottle of wine with myself and ate those home-y foods in front of the TV while my husband worked out of town. Yesterday, got my hair done and went to IKEA. I did work in my office but didn’t punish myself even though I knew I could do more. Today, I’m going to type on the novel I’ve been not-writing for ten years and then go to the gym and after I work out, I’m going to sit in the steam room. FaceTime with my grandson after dinner. And I do feel better, thanks everyone!!
Oh, yes! It is the February blues that drove me to your website today as I desperately try to dig myself out of yet another bluesy day. You describe the inner battle ground so well and I’m way to familiar with it. There are things that I do to ease the discomfort, like getting out of the house and going to Starbucks to work; taking a long brisk meditative walk, breathing in nature and all that is bigger than me as a go; curl up in bed with a good novel; write, write, write; but in all honesty I believe the blues settle over us for a reason, to get us going, get us thinking, get us struggling with the bigger issues in life.
I’m not sure it’s all about being self-centered and prone to navel gazing, though I’m guilty of both when I’m in this state. It’s gosh darn hard to live in the medial and sometimes it’s okay to just bitch about it. It’s usually anger and frustration that piles up into the blues, but it is in the blues that often helps us put things in their proper perspective….but the time table is not our own. As you so eloquently say: “My life is a laboratory for grace”, perhaps “Grace” with a capital G because it is so much bigger than us, so much more important than what we can fathom in our moments on this earth.
The older we get the more urgent it becomes for us to share our message, to embrace all the wisdom we can ease out of our souls and that’s hard work! Why wouldn’t we get gloomy now and again. It’s only a Hollywood and Madison Avenue fantasy that life is, or should be, easy and happy.
the best thing I know for people like us is to be around people like us when the going gets tough. You and all your responders have cheered me right up, because sometimes it’s just good to know you’re not alone. <3
Hi, Dorothy. You are so right. I did all the things you mentioned (except the walk in the woods — too damned COLD!) But, then I knew I had to share it with you women.
I love this tribe!!!
Jen
How did you know how badly my heart is hurting today? lol! I always get the winter blues for sure… the last few years they have been VERY bad indeed. My solution to this? Plan a HUGE event that leaves you open to criticism and judgment – and let me tell you THIS makes it all better (*insert sarcastic eye roll*). Now that I think about it though… maybe it does make it a little better because I have something “real” and “concrete” to feel sad about… I do know this – and I am proud of this – last year I felt WAAAAYYYYY worse.. I must confess, I did a little itty-bitty bit of marinating. This year I was ready to feel like this and I made room for “healing” days… Days like today when I just write and write and puke it all out, I left time for snuggling and movie watching with my kids and tea drinking and yoga and yoga and yoga and lots of meditation. That’s the difference for me – that’s the take-away – I’m not berating – I’m not resisting – I’m just “Being”…
YES!!! I love how you are celebrating your progress, Kelly. Here’s mine, I got the Februaries in February. Not January, as per usual.
And, it’s late February at that. I’m claiming spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Jen
I love your title! My husband told me last night that I’d been down for several weeks and it was so good to see me happy again! I may have SAD but haven’t been tested but there is drastic differences in my mood on cloudy vs. sunny days.
The major thing I’m working on right now is my diet – detoxed from diet soda, eliminating a lot of junk food, etc. March is traditionally my time for renewal but I need to remember to keep at this during the winter months so maybe it won’t be so bad. I also grab my camera and go outside to shoot something, anything and it helps.
Ohh, camera. That’s right. Make ART!!!
The blues – isn’t that just one of those phases that we all have to go through? Kind of like, we have to have downs to appreciate the ups? As I inch ever closer to my “Life Without Tampons” days (years), I have come to realize that the blues do happen, just as the happys happen. I was where you are last week – Valentine’s Day is my most disliked day of the year, it’s such a plastic, made up, Hallmark holiday and it makes me want to throw up – Ha!
I’ve learned that we must be kind to ourselves, accept that there is a reason for the blues (even if it doesn’t seem like there is or should be one) and be kind to myself. I tend to stay in pajamas all day (if I can), watch re-runs of old sitcoms or a favorite movie or reread a treasured book and always the comfort foods (you know, the ones we normally stay away from). Going with it rather than fighting it usually finds me feeling better within a day or two.
Hang in there, Jen! We love you!
Thank you, Colleen. I feel all weepy again. Damn compassion. It gets me every time!!
J
Solution #1 – Buy flowers! This time of year I like to have a pot of pansies or geraniums – something that I would normally plant in the SPRING – and I will plant in the Spring, once it arrives. But, for me getting something other than grocery store flowers to put in a vase, but a POT of flowers with dirt makes all the difference.
Try it!
Much love to you!
Ooooh, good idea. Thanks, Linda.
I’m have a late February birthday and always wished for an outdoor birthday party, which growing up in Nebraska, was never possible. Once I did get an outdoor ice skating party and that was awesome.
Recently I moved to the greater Portland, OR area and despite what my friends from Denver, CO and Southern California said, I totally love the rain months because there are many days with hours of sun shine on the lovely green grass and the many beautiful evergreen trees and shrubs. I’ve discovered that having less sun has made the times the sun does shine special, a bigger incentive to get outside and walk to the library or to a park. The sun has become special rather than expected.
I also treat myself to reading new books and on occasion re-reading a book that is like an old friend. Over the years I’ve learned that sometimes I really need to read a book that I know has very sad parts in a great story with a good ending and the book gives me “permission” to cry. This allows me to have a “good cry” and while being able to continue to focus on all the positives in my life. I recognize it as a “trick” but it works for me.
My other “trick” is to pick one day a week during the darker days of winter to indulge in eating something not so healthy for a meal or a snack. It becomes a special treat to really brighten a day.
Thanks Jen and all of you who share ideas. I love learning new ways of dealing with the joyful and not so joyful moments of life.
Hi, Janet. You are so right about books. I haven’t read anything really juicy is quite a while because I’ve been pushing myself to write my own.
Next week, I’m delivering that. So, back to literary escapism!!!
Yea. Thank you!
J
I commiserate emphatically. Winter blues happen to some of us. I crave time outside where I can loose myself just working the earth, tending my garden and flowers. Watching the birds, insects, growth, and smelling the damp soil, herbs, flowers and grass. So I look forward to garden catalogs that I start to receive in January. I pour over the pages and dream about what could be when the seasons change.
Other important considerations. As a person that has more than just the winter dull drums, (enter that ugly D word) I have a few “rules” that I live by:
I do not associate with “friends” who tell me that I am depressed because I am weak.
If I need a hug I find one. Having people in my life that love me is wonderful.
Being an artist I use this place of being as an inspiration. Beauty can come from many places.
Accept that I will do the best that I can with what I have each and every day and that is all that I can do. It is OK.
If you need a break to recharge, take it. If your battery is dead charge it with what fills you and makes you feel whole.
Give thanks for all of the good in your life- in my case hot showers, warm purring cats on my lap, my children making me laugh, a wonderful man who loves me, a fulfilling job…
I think most importantly, learn to love yourself for all that you are. I think to myself that I am special, and every part of my can be used to make not only my life but the lives of others better.
Sending positive thoughts to all
Julie
Julie, I absolutely LOVE this part here — ” . . .I think to myself that I am special, and every part of my can be used to make not only my life but the lives of others better.”
Jen
Winter Blues! so familiar and so sorry that it is so prevalent among us. When in the midst, I give myself a finite time to cry, if that is where it takes me (and it usually does). However,(and this may sound ridiculous) I make sure my dog is in the room. He can”t stand it when I cry and does his level best to get his 75 lb bod as close to me as possible, lap being best. No kidding, his love lifts my spirits enough to allow me to see if something is at the root of my tears or if it is, indeed, the blues. If the latter, I try to give myself a time limit. ‘Ok, I am going to sit here, and just be sad, grumpy, whatever, but in 10 minutes, I am going to take Hunter for a walk.’
I know we are all different, but what I so appreciate about kinship is that we all reached the common denominator of acceptance, demonstrated in our very individual ways, as the quickest route through these tough time.
Smiling at and for you, Jen, and sending prayers of and for connection to Source.
J
Thank you, Jeannette.
It probably stems from having been closely associated with education for the first 46-ish years of my life (student, teacher, mom), but I’ve never been a big fan of January and February. It’s a long haul from Christmas vacation to Spring break. The two days off we did get are usually teacher in service days, so as an educator for several years, I didn’t even get that one day break. But I decided not to be blah 2 months a year. I live in Oklahoma, so the weather is iffy. Sometimes we have spring-ish weather. Sometimes we have knee deep snow. Today it’s snowy and wet. Too warm to stick. This year, I’m dieting. Working out, eating right, trying to shed weight. I’m keeping my eye on April. I’ve been taking photos of my husband and me on the first of each month, to show our progress. (He’s losing by proxy. He has less to lose than I do.) I want to take a picture of us on our anniversary wearing our wedding duds from 14 years ago. I’m dragging through this year with a lot less blah than usual. I don’t do New Years’ resolutions, but maybe it’s a good idea to have a goal each Jan/Feb, something to strive toward.
Hi, Pam. What a great project for the winter!! I hope you’ll show us your anniversary picture.
Jen
My February blues are officially and collectively called The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee. And the committee has been in session. It is important to acknowledge, but I can’t be a good hostess for long. When I’ve had enough, when it’s time for the gavel, there are a few things I find particularly helpful in hurrying the process along – meditation, long walks with the dogs, sweet mint tea, and 80s hair band music. Play it loud. Happy gaveling, everyone!
Hi, Jana. I just wrote about my own IBSC. You’ll see it here soon.
Jen
On the other side of my February blues!
The end of January is my dad’s birthday, the beginning of February was the five year anniversary of my dad’s suicide, my first Valentine’s Day as a single lady in many years, my 31st birthday is days away and I found my first gray hair standing 2″ up from the top of my head. Throw in a Wisconsin below-zero, more snow to shovel are you kidding me, stuck in the house (aka box) stay-at-home single mom winter and it can be a depression landslide.
Having been on an internal spiritual quest for some time now it is amazing to look back and see the graces I received.
Weepy and crying I said I wasn’t going to punish the tears. I tried setting a timer…five minutes of crying followed by five minutes of gratitude. Ok…still crying. I said in a desperate prayer, “God, I need your help.” 10 minutes later my mom sends a text, “I’m done with work at noon and I want to grab a gallon of paint from the basement, ok if I stop by?”
I didn’t see the connection at the time.
She stopped, I was still unable to hold in the tears, she said to go do something, she did the pile of dishes, made brownies with my daughter and did a load of laundry. I went to the park for a quick walk in the cold and then just sat in the car looking at the park and had a free-writing conversation with God. An hour later and I was renewed, refreshed and relaxed.
I have learned that next time I will ask for help.
I was grumpy so I scrubbed every tile in the bathroom and the tub saying I’ll be happy when it’s done (and I was)…especially the soak in the tub that night part.
I refused to play the songs on my playlist that matched my mood…sad. Before I knew it we were grooving.
We had a baking day and delivered treats to family members…of course we indulged guilt-free too.
I re-arranged our main living area…twice.
When it was sub-zero but the sun was shining I stood in the sunny window, closed my eyes and took a mind-cation…it was summer and I was outside.
Whatever I was feeling I said okay. Sometimes I did something. Sometimes I gave into the mood. Whatever I CHOSE, I did consciously and mindfully without punishing myself. And every time I noticed my mood was sour I did my best to give gratitude, even if I wasn’t feeling gracious. At times the best I could do was say, “This too shall pass.”
After a few weeks of this I have been released of the grips of winter blues or so it seems this moment anyway.
I’m so sorry about your dad. Those days are tough. My mom was murdered in February 1998. My husband’s late wife died the same month. We met in late 1998 and married in 1999. February has typically been a tough month in our marriage, but how cool is it that I forgot to even mention that in my post above? You don’t get over it, but you learn to live with the loss.
How did your Valentine’s Day go? I’m married, and it’s always been a non-event around here. **shrug** He’s good to me other days of the year. Flowers and candy and cards are nice, but it’s a Hallmark holiday. Don’t let the card companys and floral industry make you feel sad about being alone.
And I’m pretty much salt and pepper. Rock the gray, Baby!
Hi, Angie. I’m so sorry for your loss. And so inspired by your wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to share your important experience with us.
Jen
I have several ‘new’ coping skills that I am using to fight my blues this year. Breathing is first. I consciously breath any time I find myself straying into negative territory. Then comes re-framing. It is my new favorite word and it is an amazing thing. It may be dark and dreary but the sun is coming up sooner and Phil didn’t see his shadow. Exercise. I exercise at night. I do the wii free step for half an hour. I know a lot of people have trouble sleeping if they exercise at night but I’ve found that for me I do it regularly as opposed to ‘forgetting’ or ‘putting it off’. My last thing is getting outside every day. I have to take my cat out (she’s 13 and jumps the fence and I don’t need to lose her), so I sit on my bench and journal or I discover all the new growth in the yard. We have recently moved so I am excited to see all the bulbs coming up.
Speaking of bulbs, go get yourself some pretty spring flowers and maybe put a new springy wallpaper on your desktop.
We do all get the blues but we really should pamper ourselves through them.
Hugs,
Mantha
OOOH, I forgot the spring bulbs. Yea!
I get the winter blues but they lift almost instantly when I see snow. Even a few flurries while I am walking my dog in the AM will get me to smile and thank God for the miracle.
I have a friend with the opposite problem: she gets SAD in the summer. She is from a former-Communist bloc country and says she can’t stand all the sun. She fled LA for Delaware to minimize her depression.
Wow. That’s a new perspective on the sun. Jen
I am reading this from Australia where it is summer. February is the hottest part of the year, we get the winter blues in July.
Leaving my job after 20 years and connecting with mid lifers on the net was the best move that I’ve ever made.
It’s helped me to reconnect with a more honest part of myself that I did not realize was not being allowed to be expressed.
I was too caught up in being grateful and putting a positive slant on everything. Thats what you do to market yourself in that world.
It is wonderful being able to connect on a more authentic level.
Because life isn’t always good, it’s also filled with trials and tribulations.
I have now discovered that feeling down is as much a part of the human condition as feeling elated or anything else. We have feelings for a reason.
These days I allow myself to feel sad, afraid and everything else.
I even allow myself to go into the feelings by journaling about them.
I am not ruminating or feeling sorry for myself as I used to believe, I’m simply practicing loving kindness and compassion which I obviously am in need of if I have the blues.
Journaling usually uncovers what I need. Even though everything is perfect on the outside, perhaps I’ve been pushing myself a little too hard or feel frustrated that bad weather is preventing me from going outside or I’m about to step up and it’s scary.
I’m sending a cyber cuddle to you and other com mentors because you all work so hard to make life beautiful for others.
This is so lovely. Thank you! J
My inital thoughts were on a different level than all of those I’ve now read (and THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING!). My cure for the down days of winter and personal trauma as been exercize (and this said by someone who would NEVER have done that 6 months ago). I choose a 30 minute video interlude of either dancing out to some cool 80′s music if I need to relax/laugh or one of kickboxing if I need to get out agression and feel powerful. It seems to put everything else into perspective.
Thank you, Terrie. It’s so wonderful to see you here. Jen
When I feel the Funk coming on-I put my favorite music on loud and start moving, no not dancing, however, that is always an option. I start spring cleaning!! Okay, not the outside windows, but inside ones, clean out closets, cabinets, drawers, plan out my garden (get seeds ordered), dust the baseboards. This way when Spring comes, cleaning done, and I am outside!!!!
Or I prepare a spa day at home for myself and make the pampering last all day!
The seasons change
Hugs to all,
Chrissy
I love both of these ideas!! Thank you.
Living in Ontario Canada, I know something about cold, dark winters and the blahs that accompany them. I’m also a Positive Psychology counsellor in training (graduating next month). I humbly offer these things I’ve found personally helpful and that are also backed up by solid research as being effective.
1. Write about what’s bugging you. Journaling works – even 2 minutes a day for 4 days was found to boost positive feelings for over a month afterwards. Not bad for an 8 minute intervention!
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2. Remember the basics – adequate sleep, exercise, nutrition (including fish or flax oil and vitamin D), getting outside even if it’s cold and only for a few minutes – the natural light helps!
3. Fresh flowers
4. Do something that’s fun
5. Do something that’s personally meaningful
6. Spend some time with positive, upbeat people (if you can find them
And above all else, give yourself permission to be human. It’s ok to feel blah sometimes – it’s the human condition. What we resist persists, so let go and accept. Remind yourself that this too shall pass, because it will. After all, spring is coming!
Blessings,
Catherine
Agreed on all counts, Catherine. Very practical tips for taking good care.
I love the beautiful humanity and vulnerability in this post… we need more of it in the world. When I have those days — and yes, we all do! — I also practice accepting the highs and lows as very normal, and even exceptional, parts of this life. Through the lows, we gain compassion for the low experiences of others — we become an authority in our own right, and can truly develop a crucial whole life skill: empathy.
Thanks for sharing, Jen, and thanks to all of the LATvians here for adding your voices to this important conversation.
Thank you, Kelly. J
Thank you, Catherine. And congratulations on the HUGE accomplishment. Jen
I recommend getting your Vitamin D levels checked at the Doctor’s office. It’s a simple blood test. When I was feeling absolutely zombie-like dead, my doctor, on a hunch, gave me this test and found my level was less than half what it was supposed to be. She put me on a regiman of 50,000 Units of cholecalciferol (Vitamin D3) per week and literally a week and a half later, I felt *much* better. For immediate results, 3 minutes spent in the tanning bed will perk you up in 20 minutes. Yes, tanning beds are dangerous, so I only do this once every two weeks in December, January and February and for no more than 3 minutes at a time. It has made a world of difference for me.
Thank you, Heather.
I love hearing that so many other people get the winter blues too!
Thank you so much, Jen, for Life After Tampons. I am always waiting for your next post – always makes me feel good.
So – I too get the blues bigtime. I seem to get better with it each year though…by not fighting it and just letting it be what it is. But i also have 4 kiddos and so have to keep myself going a bit, for them at least. So, my favorite things to do to cheer me up are – EXERCISE for sure! I think of exercise as my Prozac…totally helps me. Another thing i do is plan something with a friend to get me out of the house, or walk through my favorite stores and just take it all in ( I love Anthropology, book stores, or a store here called Stuff – so inspiring). I also make any kind of art – always helps.
And last but not least….you gotta laugh. We love to watch “Impractical Jokers” on TruTV and Modern Family. They always cheer me up!
We’re going to make it! It’s almost March! XO – Carrie
Thank you, Carrie, for all these ideas!! I, too, am much better with the Februaries than I used to be. I wrote back to someone that I used to get them in January!!
After enough life circumstances that would qualify me for endless bitching ( 2 divorces/2 cancers/ 18 surgeries/ the loss of my voice/ addictions and recovery) the saving grace has always been determination and curiosity. Intention is a universal law, and without intention, we are doomed to rot. Not everyone comes into the world with the same level of determination. It’s source is genetic, environmental, and mysterious. Curiosity is however a creative choice, with genetic roots as well, and every life challenge or obstacle presents opportunity. I like these moments you refer to as the “doldrums”. I spent most of my life on warp speed, missing the beauty of nature’s simplicity and perfection. When the cymbals crashed, as they always will, as life, like an orchestra, builds to a crescendo, we are again introduced to that state of no-mind we yearn for and remember while in the womb. My solution is to drop identifying feelings with “I am…..” because it makes the condition static and immovable. I witness, and closely observe the continuous shift of the body’s responses to the thinking mind. Integrated as they are, one feeds the other. Watching for judgement of any feeling is the practice, and it works…….and thank you all, for this stimulating assortment of expression and experience. I have to go lay down now…..:)
Absolutely gorgeous, Geraldine. Thank you! J
Jen–
I totally get this. Sometimes even when things are going well, I “wake up” and realize I’m feeling blue. I’ve gotten MUCH better at figuring this out quickly. I remind myself that all feelings pass, and when I nod and acknowledge it (and occasionally give it a piece of dark chocolate) the feeling passes and I can regain equanimity, knowing that life is what it is, and my choice is to see the glass as half full.
Yes!! Especially the chocolate part, of course. Jen
Hi Jen,
About a year and a half ago, I moved from Arlington, VA to Cave Creek, AZ. While our winters are far milder, I definitely remember the February blues. I also lived in London during the wettest season they had in 400 years – it rained every day for four months!
I’ve tried the gratitude thing, planning a vacation to somewhere sunny, comparing my situation to others (e.g., the homeless), but none of it really took me out of that bluesy place. The past week, I was at a wonderful resort in Arizona (Miraval) with my mom. I participated in two types of breathing that gave me a natural “high”. The first is diaphramatic breathing. If you aren’t aware of how to do this, here’s the 411: It’s best if you can lie on your back, but you can do this anywhere – in your car, at the office, etc. Breath deeply, making sure it is a belly breath (meaning your tummy extends way out on the inhale – no shame in this game! – and your shoulders are down and relaxed), to a count of at least 4. Then immediately breathe out slowly to a count of anywhere from 5 – 7. You want to exhale to be 1 – 3 counts more than the inhale. The intention is to release stale air from the lungs. So, inhale, two, three, four; exhale, two, three, four, five (and possibly six or seven). After a few minutes, you will experience a more peaceful feeling.
The second one is very similar. Deep breath in, but on the exhale, push the air out through pursed lips. And push it out with pressure and sound – as if you are blowing up a balloon. Clearly this is not one to do while in a meeting! Again, after a few minutes of this, you will feel a little more peaceful and, yes, a little high (not that I would know what that feels like or anything!)
If you want, you can combine the two – belly breath in, exhale out through pursed lips with the exhale being between 1 and 3 breaths longer than the inhale.
I find it most helpful to close my eyes while doing this, but you may want to find a focus point. Give it a shot and let me know what you think!
Sheppard