I’m Jennifer

My name is Jennifer Boykin and somehow, I am 52 YEARS OLD! I’ve spent my life doing what was expected of me, and now I’m not.

I have a couple of degrees that say I can do things, but the thing I most want to do is help other women at MidLife implement the answer to this question:

What would you do

if you KNEW you COULD NOT FAIL?

 

Most of the women I work with have families, but we don’t discuss them here.  Not because they don’t matter – they do – but because our focus here is about YOUR life. Aside from anyone or anything elseThere are plenty of places to go if you want to be a better mommy or wife, it just won’t be here.

Here we don’t hide our lack of fulfillment behind our responsibilities to others.  Instead, we take responsibility for our own happiness and fulfillment.  If we aren’t living our fullest life, it’s because WE need to change something, not because circumstances are wrong, or the timing is not right, or the economy sucks, or . . . well, you just don’t understand.

*****

I do understand.  I was abandoned by an alcoholic father at the age of two and grew up trying to be perfect so he would want me back.  But he drank himself to death instead, and by the time I was 9 years old I had devised my first strategic plan for happiness.  It didn’t work, but it got me to a new plan at 11 when my father died.  That plan didn’t work either, but it got me to college on a scholarship where I graduated at the top of my class so that I can always get a job and blah, blah, blah.

Then I had the near-beer of happiness for a while.  Marriage, kids, and what most people are doing.

But my baby died and I got divorced and I had to get a series of less than ideal jobs to pay the bills, and I had to do what I had to do to make ends meet and take care of the kids and so on. And I put my own dreams on hold.  But then I forgot to get back to them — for a really long time.

*****

I thought I was just being practical — that I had to keep slogging through the crappy work situation and financial situation and relational situations because of my kids and their need for stability and blah and blah and blah.

I don’t know, maybe I was right.  And I am certainly proud of myself for behaving honorably — for making the most of a bad situation.  But honestly, there’s another part of me that wonders if I was hiding a bad motive under a good action. In other words, was I practicing “fear” but calling it “responsibility?”

In any case, I paid a price for my illusion of safety. And that price was my soul.  (Is that too dramatic of a word?)  I don’t know if that’s the right word or not.  But what started to happen is that I started to harden — in my heart.  I started to really lose hope for my own future.

There had just been too many losses – my childhood, the death of my only daughter, the divorce, the family addictions, the loss of financial stability — all of those just piled up and piled up to the point where I could no longer keep telling myself that “someday” would materialize.

I no longer believed my own press releases — the “story” I was telling myself about what my future would look like when the kids were bigger and such. (That is one reason why we don’t address marital and motherhood issues here at Life After Tampons. We no longer use them as a smokescreen behind which we hide our own fear.)

Even though I was being a “good doobie” and working through it all to the best of my ability, I began to fear that the young woman I had been, the “first in her class, CAN DO, triumph over anything” girl, that THAT girl was lost forever.

*****

I can’t tell you how desolate I began to feel knowing that I had all the ability I needed to succeed at life, but no power to carry it out.  In spite of all the losses in my life, the loss of hope was too great to bear.

And, as it turned out, to accept.

*****

During that weekend away by myself, I began to see that “if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.”  And that meant that, potentially, the people I loved might have to start bearing more of the responsibility for the way our family was going to be.

“Playing it safe” was killing me.  And, because my heart was shrinking, so was my ability to joyfully embrace others.

I’m guessing that some of you, if you really looked honestly at your own situation, might also find that your “reasons” for stepping back from your own dream no longer pass the “sniff test.” If  you’re that woman then this community is for you.

If, you are ready to:

 

Quit Your Bitching.  Change Your Life.

 

If you’re ready to take a turn in your own life, put your action where your heart is and:

Join our Wisdom Circle and sign up for free updates.

  1. Jump right in with an intensive ALL ABOUT YOU Hot Flash Quick Start session.
  2. Sister Up at our Facebook and Twitter Wisdom Circles.
  3. Bring your sisters.  Because we MUST NOT DO THIS ALONE!  Please tell all your girlfriends about us.  And your enemies.  They need us most of all.  By the way, if you have enemies, you should stay tuned.  We’re gonna take care of that.  Because there JUST ISN’T TIME FOR THAT ANY MORE!

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