If you’re the woman who’s smiling on the outside but dying on the inside – even a little – this post is for you.  If you live every day in complete authenticity, you get to sit this one out.  But, if you could do a sister a favor first, please just stop reading, skip to the comments, and let us know how you did it.

For everyone else, read on.  

I’m in the first group, so I’ll read it with you.

It’s all your parent’s fault.

Ha!  Gotcha, read on.

But it kinda sorta is.  Here’s why:

The Lesson of Delayed Gratification

When you are growing up, it’s really, really really important that you learn the skill of delayed gratification.  So we teach you that.  Your parents, your teachers, your other adult role models all work together to teach you how to put off the things you want TODAY in service of longer term stuff – like education, jobs, mortgages, the illusion of security, and the like.

Our society needs you to do that.  And so do our kids.  And your boss.  Lots of people would prefer it if you stopped what you were doing for yourself so you could help them get the stuff they need.

And you need to do that too, so you’ll have a paycheck, and a place to live, and blah and blah and blah and blah.

We in agreement here?

Anyway, unfortunately, what happens to so many women, is that they don’t keep one eye on themselves while they’re also practicing that delayed gratification thing.  We’re gonna take a turn.  We swear we’re gonna take a turn.  But we never quite get to that part. In other words, we’re good at delay but not so good at enjoying (and insisting) on the “gratification” part.

Over the years, we keep delaying our turn.  And then, we get completely tuckered out.  And then, maybe we get pissed.  Or maybe we get depressed.  We get really really angry at the “takers” in our lives.  But there’s a problem with that, too.  Because, if we’re really really honest with ourselves, we have to own that we were the ones who showed up for all that volunteering.

In other words, we were volunteers, not victims.

And guess what!!!  That’s the really really good news.  Cause we’re gonna volunteer for something else now!

For the next little bit, one day at a time, let’s make a conscious effort to direct some of that loving discipline that we’ve been giving out (the “delay” in “delayed gratification”) back to ourselves.

We need to do this next list of stuff instead.  Every day.  (There’s nothing flashy about this list, you already know them):

1. Nourish your body – eat well and move your body

2. Nourish your mind – challenge your brain daily

3. Nourish your heart — RECEIVE love, don’t just give it (click to tweet)

4. Nourish your art –  create something regularly

5. Nourish your spirit – meditate, pray, connect with your Divine core

Caution:  Trap Ahead!

So, we get grooving on taking our own turn.  But then we start to make THIS mistake: Ever so slowly we yield time and space for these activities because other stuff “flares up temporarily.”

So, we help out in those emergency situations.  We tell ourselves we’re gonna get back to the gym, or our healthy food plan, or the art studio, but then we just completely wear ourselves out doing the stuff we think we have to do first.

That works for a bit.  And there are crunch times when that may even be really, really “necessary.”  But, if we’re honest about it, we have to admit that the season of difficulty has long since passed and we are justifying donuts for breakfast and lunch at the desk and all sorts of other things that, over time, make us sick in body, mind, and spirit.

The thing is, love, only YOU can decide to make things different.  Only you can stop on the way home and pick up some real and nourishing food for yourself.  Only YOU can lace up those sneakers and get out for some fresh air today.  Only YOU can sign up for that jewelry-making class you’ve been talking about for ages.

I get it.  I’ve been there, too.  But, a couple of years back I completely committed myself to taking action on my own behalf TODAY.  And, one day at a time, every day I wake up, if it is TODAY, I simply show up for myself again.

And guess, what, love?  No one around me has been injured in the process.  In fact, my marriage is better than ever, my guys are thriving at school, my finances are solid, my dreams for myself and my future feel ELECTRIFIED.  I’m strong and fit and happy!

And you can get there, too.  It’s not as big as a deal as you think to get going.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.

All that is essential is to:

1. begin

2. with baby steps

3. allow the smallest possible improvement each day

4. but, stick with it.  Consistency is what matters.

And I’ve got a plan.  It’s coming your way soon.

In the meantime, let me know what you need in the comments below — OR, share with us the last time you had a fake emotional response.  And WHY?   I’m going to tell on myself in the comments today, so go take a look.

And here’s what I ask, if you are the woman who NEVER makes a comment, you have to go FIRST.  That’s right.  Get over your bad self and reach out.  Just this once.  Because that’s the kind of itty bitty risk you need to take to get out of the rut you’re in.

Love, Jen

P.S.  Here at Life After Tampons, we begin with the Breakthrough.  So get your free copy (of my book) here.  After that, though, you’re going to need a strong strategic plan for your comeback.  I’ve created a Comeback QuickStart Guide for you.  Let me know where to send your copy (and other tips) below.

Photo: Flickr, Lambatofa

So, some friends of mine got chosen to do something really, really cool.

I was not.

Now, it’s true that I get to do lots of really, really cool things.  And you know that I really really love my life with The Italian and our last two of SIX sons in the woods.

But, I didn’t get to do this one thing with these really cool people.  And it ate at me a bit.

My super-cool super-hip super-fly friend, Kris Carter, explained to me that that awful feeling of rejection/anxiety about not being picked by others or picking the “wrong” thing myself, is what the super-cool-hip-fly people call “FOMO” — Fear Of Missing Out.

Well, let me tell you something, while I’m not completely super-cool/hip/fly in the same way as Kris is, I’ve SUFFERED from FOMO for precisely ALL of my life, and here’s what I know:

FOMO’s a MOFO!

In its more benign incarnation, here’s what FOMO looks like at restaurants:  You order the filet, but your dinner partner orders the scallops.  You spend the whole evening regretting that you didn’t order the “right” thing, because, “after all, you don’t really get out much (pity me, pity me), and this was a really, really expensive supper so you know you aren’t coming back any time soon, and why didn’t you just order the scallops, dammit?  You’re such a dumb ass.  You ALWAYS pick the wrong thing!”

(That last little bit was FOMO adorned with a dollop of self-hatred.)

Your FOMO meltdown is all top secret, of course.  To the outside world, you look like a woman interested in the conversation over supper, but you’re not completely present.

FOMO makes you lose the precious present.  Regret is like that.

If you have FOMO, and you don’t KNOW that your fear is what’s REALLY driving you, you are at risk of making all sorts of big mistakes in life.   When they’re honest about it, lots of women will admit that the reason they got married was because all their friends were already married and they hadn’t found the “right” person yet, but “this one is pretty good and, after all, my ovaries are going to shrivel up any minute now.  Besides that – what if they don’t work at all?  After all, they’ve never been tested and if we have infertility problems that could take years to iron out so, ‘yes, dear, I’ll marry you.’”

In lieu of Mr. Right, we go with Mr. Right Now!

We take jobs we don’t want, because, “after all, it’s a really prestigious firm and ANYONE would want this job” and that’s how we end up at IBM instead of the Peace Corps.

There is probably some sociological or anthropological reason for a person’s tendency to fear that they are missing out on the good stuff in life.  Maybe it has something to do with inclusion and building societies of interdependence or something like that there.

But I’m curious about the spiritual and emotional costs of living a life that is driven by the anxiety and fear of missing out on stuff.

One problem that I see with FOMO, is that, to the exact extent that we allow our minds to spin with fear, worry, and regret about our choices and non-choices – to just that extent – we squander the Precious Present.

As much as we might think we are multi-tasking, the truth is, our brains actually process sequentially.  It’s lickety split for sure.  But still, we can only think one thing at a time.  Every moment that we live in fear and anxiety, we are NOT living in spirit, love, and grace.

But how do we stop the insidious noise in our heads that tells us that we are not “yet” enough, that something better is right over there, and that we are missing out and, “after all, now that more than half of our lives are over, we just can’t afford to screw up anymore? As time goes by, we have a more and more acute sense that “time is running out” so we’d better hurry up and “fix it all NOW.”

Unfortunately for many of us, our sense of urgency bumps up against our lack of clarity about who we are TODAY and how we want to live these last decades of our lives.  These two competing worries – our sense of urgency coupled with our lack of clarity — create a huge delimma that feels insurmountable.  This state, exacerbated by FOMO, creates all sorts of real challenges for women at midlife.

In fact, many of us — at least for a short time — shut down completely.  We find ourselves overwhelmed.  Discouraged.  Depressed.  Afraid.  And deadened to our world.

As I said, FOMO is a serious MOFO, to be sure! (click to tweet)

So what to do?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had any real and lasting results with the strategy of completely eradicating anything.  It seems the more I insist that I’m going to stop doing something that is not good for me, the stronger that inclination becomes.

I’ve found that outflanking stuff works better.  Here’s what I mean: I’m much more effective at changing my thoughts, habits, and behaviors when I accept my brokenness completely and decide to try and live increasingly more successfully alongside my fear, sorrow, anxiety, worry, and the like.

Here’s how:

1. Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Accept that there will always be a modicum of “not knowing” in life and CHOOSE to see that as a beautiful mystery rather than as a problem to be solved.

2. Let yourself off the hook.  Whether you think you “deserve” it or not, it’s simply not strategic to bitch-slap yourself into a better way of living.  Be kind to yourself so you can give kindness to others.

3. Learn to think of opportunity as ever-present and eternal.  It really is rare that you don’t get a do-over in life.  If you decide not to take advantage of something that comes your way, remind yourself that all of life is replete with beauty and abundance and that that means more will be coming your way.  In fact, it’s probably already there, you just can’t see it because you are so attached to your fear.

4. Look for beauty.  Everywhere.  Because, if you do, you will find it.

Remember this, love:  YOU are enough.  There is enough.  There will be enough. And that this truth is eternal.  All is well.  All will be well.

LEAN INTO the Precious Present. And insist on enjoying each moment and the choices you make (or don’t make) as you go along.

Blessed be.  Amen.

Love, Jen

photo: flickr, jenny downing

P.S.  Here at Life After Tampons, we begin with the Breakthrough.  So get your free copy (of my book) here.  After that, though, you’re going to need a strong strategic plan for your comeback.  I’ve created a Comeback QuickStart Guide for you.  Let me know where to send your copy (and other tips) below.

photo: flickr, hamed saber

This morning, I talked to one of my favorite friends and colleagues.  She is absolutely one of my favorite creative people because she’s so fully ALIVE.  (You know what I mean when I say that, right?)

Anyway, this morning was no different.  She’s traveling, and working, and making art, and launching a workshop, and visiting family and friends, and working on her own personal reinvention thingy – and – and – and.

She accomplishes so much, and yet I never get the feeling she has that manic “driven” energy about her.  She’s serious about what she does and yet she’s playful as well.

This morning when we spoke, she says “Oh good, you called at the perfect time.  I just finished my ‘out-of-town’ cry.  It seems like I have to cry in every major city I visit.”

Of course, I laughed.  Because watching her is so gorgeously beautiful and entertaining.  And it made me think of something else I’ve been thinking about for you.

The thing my friend does so exquisitely well is that she LEANS INTO all the edges of her life.  She fearlessly acknowledges and explores all the highs, the lows, the loves, the losses.  She explores them, and then she lets anything that is not useful go.  I’ve seen her do this again and again and again and again.

I try to live this way as well, but I’m a little slower to let things go.  I seem to have to extract every last little ounce of usefulness from stuff, and sometimes that makes the experience of life a little less flavorful than I’d like.

The nuances of daily life are so exquisitely beautiful if we can –

– slow down enough to be present for the precious present (click to tweet)

– wear all of life lightly.  Neither minimize, nor dramatize.

– laugh more often

– spend more time with friends

– make some kind of art regularly

– protect our beautiful hearts from over-exposure to negativity

– that means we don’t engage with people, media, and situations that leave us depressed and drained.

Today, I invite you to wipe all emotional and spiritual slates clean.  If you can’t do this, can you at least give yourself, say, a 30-day moratorium on guilt and worry, so that you can lean into the more cheerful edges of your life?

If you gave yourself that sort of forgiveness, what one funnest thing would you do first?  Start small.  What one funnest thing – that you could do in the next 15 minutes – would you have the courage to try?

Please go do that thing now, and, in the Wisdom Circle comments below, share about your adventure.

Love, Jen

P.S.  Here at Life After Tampons, we begin with the Breakthrough.  So get your free copy (of my book) here.  After that, though, you’re going to need a strong strategic plan for your comeback.  I’ve created a Comeback QuickStart Guide for you.  Let me know where to send your copy below.

photo: flickr, hamed saber

What if nothing ever changes?  What if nothing ever gets any better?  What if “this” is all there is, and yet “this” simply is not enough . . . okay . . . acceptable . . . what you want?

These are the questions I’m asking myself this week.  Here’s my confession: I have a very vexing problem.  It has dogged me my entire life.

No matter what I have, I want something else. I want something “other.”

I don’t want “this.”

And whatever “this” is, no matter now accomplished I get at “this” it is never ever completely enough.  Whatever I have, whatever I do, whatever I achieve, when I finally get “there,” I want something different.

Recently, I had two very big professional “wins.”  They were both things that I had worked towards for a very long time.  They were both things that I had previously set aside as  “pinnacle” achievements in my profession.  Until I accomplished them (My book and The Huffington Post), I told myself that either would be a CLEAR indication that I was successful.

And yet, when each of these things finally happened, I had absolutely no sense of accomplishment, or pride, or self-congratulations.  In spite of what I had always told myself, I DID NOT feel like, ‘Yes!  I have arrived!”

In fact, what I really felt after these accomplishments, was that I must not have set the bar very high in the first place.  In other words, if I could achieve it, it must not have been very difficult after all.

My inability to feel happy or proud of my work extended outward, too.  When others acknowledged my achievements, I felt absolutely nothing.  I couldn’t take it in.  I could not receive the praise.

I secretly felt like I had somehow been dishonest with others.  I had the thought “Yeah, well, if you only really knew me and what I was like, you wouldn’t want to … be my friend … hire me …  publish my work… have one more thing to do with me EVER.”

Joy just doesn’t stick to me.

Difficulty does. Worry does.

But joy?  Praise?  Recognition?  These things slide right off of me into the dust at my feet.

I have always had an anxious personality.  I have a habit of scanning my environment looking for things that are off, or broken, or lurking about in such a way as to suddenly lurch up and hurt me.

Psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally, I know WHY I am that way.  I have teased out the origin of this problem and I can cogently discuss the particulars of how I developed this particular coping mechanism.  And yet, understanding WHY I am a certain way does not alleviate the suffering I inflict on myself because of the problem.

I KNOW why I am the way I am.  I KNOW that it was a very early survival mechanism.  I KNOW that it has to do with abandonment and the high conflict behavior of those who came before me.

I KNOW all these things, and yet, when it comes to helping myself by “changing” this part of my personality, I am utterly and completely powerless.

Self-knowledge avails me NOTHING.

I simply want things to be different.  No matter what is going in my life, I find a way to recalibrate the yardstick that I’ve set for measuring my success in such a way that always has me coming up short.

And I’m sick of it.

I want things to be different.  In fact, I want the fact that I want things to be different to be different.  You tracked that completely, right?

No matter what I have, there is at least some small part of me that wonders if the other thing could have been better.  And, no matter where I am or what I am doing, there is usually a part of me that is outside of my own experience, wishing and longing for even the slightest little modification with what IS.

I want things to be different.  I want the way that I am with myself to be different.  And yet, in spite of the fact that I am an EXPERT in the area of change, and adversity, and triumph, this is one aspect of my personality that simply will not yield.

I am powerless to change myself.  I’m powerless to change you, too.  I know this.  And yet, I’d still like to change the fact that I can’t change myself.

It’s a maddening, exhausting, behavioral habit and, by writing this to you, I am fully conceding to my innermost self that I am beaten.  I am flummoxed.  I am unable to change this thing about myself.

I surrender.

So, as I hit the wall of unrequited longing once again, a new idea occurs to me.

What if “this” never changes?  What if “this” is the best I can do?  What if my career is never really going to be any more that “this?”  What if I never achieve the things I hope to achieve?  What if this – this very moment right now – is the absolute best it will ever be?

What if this is the best I ever get or am in life.  What if this is what my body just looks like?  What if these really are my thighs?

What if I never really set aside enough for old age?  Will that be enough?  Will I be okay?  Will I be able to provide for myself?  Will it even matter that I was here and can I make peace with this?  Can I rightly relate myself to this truth about myself?  Can I learn to live serenely with this completely broken part of myself?  Can I stop seeing myself as broken, in fact?

What if I’m not broken?

What if the parts of us that resist change aren’t supposed to change? (click to tweet)

What if they are put there to remind us that

* we are human, not divine,

* we therefore must seek, one day at a time, to connect with the Source that is

* our brokenness is actually the beautiful “hook-up” that allows us to have compassionate love for our sisters because self-acceptance is the key to other-acceptance?

In other words, what if our broken place is actually the crevasse upon which God can get a foothold and build a society of people that – TOGETHER – one day at a time – provides hope and healing and sustenance for the whole?

What if our flaws are essential because, accepting them, allows our species to work together toward a greater good that transcends any one person’s personal ambition?

What if this is all there is and, in accepting “this” we actually acknowledge the miracle of grace in our lives?

What if nothing changes?  What if nothing ever gets any better?  Do I need things to get better?  Or, can I trust that, even if it doesn’t  I will be safe, I will be provided for, I will be okay in the world?

It’s fascinating really.  My anxiety developed because, from the earliest age, I didn’t feel safe in my own world.  The anxiety triggered the behavior of STRIVING and LONGING that keeps me dissatisfied.  The dissatisfaction triggers my need for the healing power of grace, and my forgetting, triggers the whole pattern once more, so that – again and again – I must surrender to my own humanity and ask for help from that power that is so very much greater than I am.

What if nothing ever changes?  Well, fortunately for me, in my own experience, Source never changes either.  And, as I see myself devolving again and again and again in this own hamster wheel that I don’t seem to step away from, I am reminded once again, that faith never changes.

Source never changes.

Instead of trying to change myself today, I will instead connect myself rightly with Source.  I will co-create with God today.

And that will be enough.

Love, Jen

photo: flickr, woupidy

Last week was the first week in the history of Life After Tampons that I didn’t publish a blog post.  I had one ready.  Actually, I have about six of them ready.  But I just didn’t like any of them and – more importantly – I just didn’t feel like it.

I hit the wall.  Hard.

I am in a deeply creative field for the first time in my life, and I just haven’t figured out the balance between caring for myself and caring for my business.  In working through the “problem,” I just spent a bit of time with my own coach and heard myself say,

“I forgot to eat an orange.”

My whole life I have had a super-secret resentment that I have an actual body that needs caring for.  I used to joke (except I wasn’t really joking at all) that my body was simply a transportation vehicle to take my brain from one interesting thing to another.

When I was in the 7^th grade, I actually calculated how much of my life would be “wasted” on bodily functions — if you live to 75, you spend over 30 years of it just keeping yourself alive.

When I was in my twenties I remember actually crying at the bookstore because I figured out that, no matter how hard I studied, I could never know all the things I wanted to know because the whole time I was learning, someone else was out there writing stuff I was going to need to add to my list of things to do and learn.

I LOVE learning – all kinds.  I collect ideas and love to take them out of different compartments of my brain and mix them up in new and exciting ways. I LOVE these ideas.  I LOVE your ideas.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE writing for you, speaking for you, coaching you.

BUT, every now and then, I need to eat an orange.

And drink water.  And get sunshine, and work out, and make a drawing, and sit in the hot tub, and get together in some meaningful way with other creative folks.

I’m among friends, I know.  A continual commitment to self-care is problematic for many women.  I don’t know that I could or would have done anything differently these past few months.

Many of you know that we moved last December.  This was my first move in 23 years and, while I am absolutely in love with our new life in the Magical Enchanted Unicorn Sherwood Forest (Each week, I add a fairy tale adjective to the description just to annoy my darkly practical husband), I also need to honor the place I came from.

I moved from my very first “grown up” home.  It was the first home to all my babies.  It was the place we came after our daughter died.  When we moved, I left her memorial tree planted in the front yard.  The back room was where I lay on my left side for FOUR MONTHS so that my eldest son could be born safely (he’ll be twenty tomorrow).

This was the home where I had all my memories with my boys and their dad.  It was the home where we had great hopes, and it was the home where some of those hopes died.  My friends are still “back home.”  I miss them all dearly and it will just take time to grow and nurture similar friendships here.

Everything new is work.  When you are working to change your life, don’t forget not to remember to acknowledge that it is hard to move into a new and beautiful space.  There is loss in everything new.  You can be thrilled with your new life, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sad to see the other one go.

All beauty coexists with loss.  Without loss, you couldn’t conceive of Grace.

And so, just for today, I will eat an orange.  I will take a long walk in the woods with The Italian.  I will get out my flute and play for myself.  I will make lovely meals for my family and pay exquisite attention to the moments that make up the days that are slipping by in the lives of my last two children.

I will restore my soul.

Thank you for being here with me.  I am so very grateful.

Jen

Photo: Flickr, nattu

A quick on-line dictionary check, gave me these definitions:

Insurrection:  A violent uprising against an authority or government: “opposition to the new regime led to armed insurrection”.

Resurrection:  a rising again, as from decay, disuse, etc.; revival.

It’s interesting that both words speak of “rising.”  Just a couple of weeks ago, it occurred to me that, if we LATvians had one common connection, it would be this:

Life After Tampons is a community of “Women Who Rise.” (click to tweet)

The difference between the two lies in the energy and community behind the rising.  If you are part of an INSURRECTION, you are part of a GROUP of people who are rising up in anger at the status quo.  You are rising up AGAINST something.

When you have been resurrected, it is a very private thing.  It is a quiet rebirth.  You alone are being born anew, freed from decay, death (here I mean emotional and spiritual death) and disuse.

If you are proactive about your life, you can have a gentler awakening to transformation.  But, if you let things go, if you abdicate your responsibility to your own happiness again and again and again, eventually you are likely to get very pi$$ed indeed.

Thus, the INSURRECTION – think How Stella Got Her Groove Back or The First Wives’ Club.

When I first got sober all those years ago, I remember saying to one of the women who was helping me that, often I didn’t drink because I was too proud to come back to my friends and tell them I had failed, to which she replied,

“Jennifer, there’s no wrong reason to stay sober today.”

Of course, in my grandiosity, I wanted to be more spiritual than that.  My friend had a way of cutting right to the quick of my ego, and using it to help me help myself.  Change agents will do that; they will use any tool at their disposal to call attention to the path of transformation.

As your “midlife midwife” here’s what I’m delivering today:  You can rise up in anger against the status quo OR you can simply awaken to what’s already calling to you from within.

And NEITHER is a wrong approach.  Eventually, though, the anger will hurt you.  It will eat at you in a way that puts you at risk of becoming embittered.  And nobody wants to hang out with an angry harpy.

However, if you need to get a little outraged today to get going, so be it.  Just remember this:  EVERYTHING that STAYS in your life is there at your own invitation.  Not everything that happens to you, but everything you allow to continue to hurt you.

And remember, you don’t have to leave something to be free of it.  Nope.  Instead of running away, consider running TOWARD . . .

. . . Yourself.

Your own beautiful heart.

Your own beautiful dream.

Your own beautiful possibility.

Your joy is waiting for you.  In fact, you’ve even got a place all ready in your heart to receive it.  Right now that place is holding resentment.  As soon as you put that aside, you’ll have a place for the joy to dwell.

Insurrection.  Resurrection.  Either will work.  One is more sustainable.  But, if you’re stuck you don’t need to worry about that.

Simply.  Begin.

Love, Jen

P.S.  Here at Life After Tampons, we begin with the Breakthrough.  So get your free copy (of my book) here.  After that, though, you’re going to need a strong strategic plan for your comeback.  I’ve created a Comeback QuickStart Guide for you.  Let me know where to send your copy below.

photo: flickr, widerbergs

A wise woman once told me that the past was good for two things:  to learn from and to enjoy.

In general, I don’t believe we should spend too much time wandering around in the past.  Unless you’ve done your clean-up work on it, the past can be a very dangerous neighborhood.  We ought not go there unescorted.

Guilt, shame, regret, and sorrow are all indicators that we have unfinished business that we need to address.  The most important thing that I hope you realize is that your pain is a gift.  It is telling you that you have missed something important.

When thinking of our past, we want to transform more of our memories from “learn from” to “enjoy.”  And that is easier to do than you might think.

To separate and neutralize the pain from your past, you simply go back to where you (or others) “dropped a stitch,” see what spiritual lessons you missed, make that correction, and MOVE ON.

Here’s how:

Do you feel guilty about something?  Okay, let’s fix that.  Think about what you think you did wrong and consider this:  What could you have done differently?  Great.  Now resolve to try that better approach the next time.  And, if you’ve wronged someone, please make amends.

If you can’t think of anything that you would or could have done differently, then I have to ask you why you refuse to let go of that situation.  When you choose to feel guilty about things over which you had no control, you are acting the martyr.

Please stop that now.  No one likes it and it doesn’t serve either you or them.  Let’s see if we can’t find a better way to get attention.  Better yet, let’s see if we can’t skip that “attention needing part” and simply put our attention where it is better used — on loving our present lives and helping others.

Do you feel ashamed of something?  Perfect.  The way to heal shame is to bring it into the Light of Truth.  Shame is a smarmy insidious feeling, it can only thrive in the dank hidden places of your heart.  Since you are as sick as your secrets, the way you heal shame is to tell on yourself.

Meet with your most trusted (and reasonably healthy girlfriend) and say this:  “I feel ashamed about . . . .”  You don’t need her to absolve you of anything, though I imagine she’ll give you a fresh perspective that you are sorely lacking.  All you really need is to be rid of the secret.

To me, shame is a particularly horrible and destructive feeling.  While Guilt says ‘I’ve DONE something bad,’  Shame says, ‘I AM something bad.’   Very few people are, by the way.  Bad, I mean.

Most of us just aren’t that important (and yes, if you are wallowing in shame it’s likely that you are getting some feeling of importance by being the “best at being the worst” thus and such you know.)

Stop it now, please!

Do you regret something?  Awesome!  Remember, the past is good for two things: to learn from and to enjoy.  What you learn from your regrets is to be a better risk-taker.  Think about your present situation.  Pick something that you know you need and want to try but fear just a little bit.  Now, GO DO THAT THING.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Um, I sort of meant NOW, love.

The antidote to regret is to stop allowing yourself to miss out on living TODAY.  (click to tweet)

Regret is LITERALLY a waste of time.  That means that to the EXACT extent that you allow yourself the luxury of regret – to just that extent  – you SQUANDER your Precious Present.

Do you feel sorrow about something?  Well, then, my love, you have learned to love rightly!  Sorrow is the bill that comes due when love changes.  Do not feel surprised by sorrow, then.  Sooner or later, one of us is going to the other one’s funeral.  Why does this surprise you?

The antidote for sorrow is – you guessed it – to live more fully today.  Love more fully TODAY.  Make your life an unbroken stream of thoughts, words, and deeds that are your personal expression of love.  And service.

If you are held back by your unhealed feelings of your past, do something about it.  And remember:  Your beautiful past is good for two things – to learn from and to enjoy.

Enjoy your memories.  Clean up your mistakes.  And then, as you go through the Beautiful Present, consciously create THIS DAY as a gift of love and service to all you meet.

Love, Jen

P.S.  For further help getting unstuck from your past, make sure you have read our new book Breakthrough.  Download your free copy here.

Photo:  Flickr, Samuel Sharpe

When you’re stuck, it’s usually because you’re holding on to all the wrong things.  Many women get confused about this.  We were raised in a “make something happen” culture.  The problem with this, of course, is that it really, really works.

Until it doesn’t.

In the year that I’ve been working for you here at Life After Tampons, I’ve noticed a commonality among my readers and clients:  You were already absolutely amazingly accomplished women when you got here.

But now, you’re stuck.

Again and again, I hear that you really really want something that really really isn’t happening.

And because of that, you’re frustrated and somewhat flummoxed.

Alas, when it comes to accomplishing some things in life, credits don’t transfer. (click to tweet)

In other words, you might be an amazing mother, but be completely unable to figure out what you want that’s just yours.

You may have shot through the professional glass ceiling, but be completely at a loss when it comes to taking care of your own health, or understanding your investments.  (You are thinking about your financial future, right?)

So, we’re stumped.  But not completely stumped, though, and that’s part of the problem.

When you are thoroughly broken by life, you tend to be very, very teachable.  But, when you suddenly meet failure one day after a history of life accomplishments, it is truly, truly bewildering.

Why don’t credits transfer?

Well, because not every pursuit yields to a frontal assault.  Some of the things you want in life cannot be directly manufactured — they are a by-product of other stuff.

Happiness is one of those things.  I believe it is a mistake to suggest to our children that the primary goal of life is to be happy.  When we do this, we teach them to go for something that can’t be acquired.

Happiness will not yield to a frontal assault.   It is a BY-PRODUCT of other stuff.  It is the alchemic reaction that comes (intermittently) when we focus on other stuff.

In my country, we have an important document that tells me I have the right to “pursue happiness.” Please note that it does NOT tell me I have the right to “catch it.”

That little technicality is often overlooked, but the distinction is absolutely critical.

Happiness can’t be caught.  It comes as a result of other actions.  Here are some actions that generally work for me:

* serve others

* be grateful

* own all of yourself – be an adult. Fearlessly look at YOUR side of the street

* get help when you need it

* keep perspective

* develop your faith

* remember the essentials: Love and Service.  Always.  Every Day!

So, if you find yourself discouraged by what isn’t happening in your life, it’s probably because you’re using the wrong spiritual tool.  Remember, “If all you have is a hammer, pretty much everything around you looks like a nail.”

If you are trying, with little success, to “make something happen,” why not give this a shot instead?

Surrender.

Let go.

Put your attention elsewhere.

Fill your own well.

And SERVE.

Then, repeat.

Again and again and again.

Blessed be.  Amen.

Note:  Pretty soon, I’m announcing a new program to help you get your Comeback mojo going.  If you haven’t already done so, please sign up here to get your advance notice.

photo: Flickr, javier delgado

March 6, 1992.

My daughter Grace lived for 32 minutes one night 21 years ago.  In fact, tomorrow would have been her 21st birthday.  But, there will be no celebration of woman-making in the traditional sense.

Instead, there is just a mother’s story of hard-won wisdom, triumph, and hope.

At the time, I couldn’t see any way (or reason) to be happy and hopeful again.  But, pretty soon after that, it occurred to me that I wanted to be the best possible mother I could be for Grace.

And healthy mothers heal.  Healthy people move on.  Healthy people find a way (and a reason) to RISE.

And that’s what this piece is about.

Today, we’re going to talk about legacy, because no matter what has or has not happened to you, I PROMISE you that you can find a way to transform your suffering-disappointment-sorrow-loss-injustice-sadness-tragedy into something that serves other people.

Here’s why you want to do that:  When you use your sorrows to mitigate the suffering of others, you make your story useful.  Every time you make your suffering useful, you mitigate your own pain.

Okay, that’s “why.”  Here’s “how.”

Let’s talk for a minute about the strategies of people who triumph.

1.  They DECIDE to get better.
2.  They look for the LEARNING in what has happened.
3.  They acknowledge that pain is part of life.  MISERY, however, is optional.
4.  What that means is that they don’t allow themselves to get stuck in their story.
5.  They allow their suffering to dig a deep well that can then fill with COMPASSION.
6.  They actively seek opportunities to share their compassion with those who still suffer.
7.  They make a point to grown in WISDOM from their losses.  This means they become a STUDENT of life.
8.  They actively seek to SHARE their wisdom with others.
9. They learn to LAUGH again.  They recognize that they serve no one by wearing the “I’m so tragic” ribbon.
10. They allow their suffering to crystallize and clarify what MATTERS MOST in life, and they consciously choose to live accordingly.  That means they live more deliciously than they would have otherwise.

If life has knocked you down, please take a deep breath and then CHOOSE to rise.  I can promise you that there is someone close to you RIGHT THIS MINUTE who needs the wisdom and strength only you can provide.

When you help them, you help yourself.

When you use your losses in service of others, you lighten your own load. (click to tweet)

When Grace died, I remember sharing my despair with a friend that no one would ever know her.  After all, she lived only 32 minutes – you probably took longer than that to shower and fix your hair this morning.

But this very wise man said to me, “Jennifer, don’t you understand?  Grace’s eternity is that YOU are changed forever.  And from this moment forward, everyone you meet and every life you touch will be different because your life was touched by Grace.  Grace LIVES ON, Jennifer, through you.”

And so it is.

Life After Tampons was created as the next logical extension of the past 21 years of “intentional triumph.”  If you have benefitted from what you have found here, it is because my heart was touched by Grace and I allowed that wisdom to gather in my heart and move out with love and service to Beautiful You.

On this afternoon, the eve of my daughter’s 21^st birthday, I invite you to share your own story of adversity and triumph.  Please take a moment to do that now in the Comments section below.

My hope is that this post will spread around the world, and that everyone who suffers will take hope and inspiration from our collective wisdom.  (So, after you share your own wisdom, please share the post with your own corner of the Universe.  There are share buttons to the left of this piece.)

Love Always, Grace’s Mom
This year, we’re creating special workshops, tool-kits and seminars that are EXCLUSIVE to our regular readers. If you want access to all of this and also the convenience of free updates, let us know how to reach you.

photo: flickr, mathewajay

The other night I was meeting with a younger woman in my service group.  I agreed to help her with some stuff related to spiritual principles, growth, and such.

At the very end of the meeting, right after I agree to work with her, she says to me, “ . . . and I want you to know that I’m not a balker.  If you tell me to do something, I’m going to do it.”

And I responded, “Well, that’s the first problem we’re going to fix.  What makes you think you can’t balk at ideas that feel wrong to you?”

In the category of ‘is it odd or is it god,’ I “coincidentally” received an email from one of the women I follow spiritually.  Susan Piver, creator of The Open Heart Project, sent me a link to an interview she had with Josh Baran, a PR guy for people like the Dalai Lama.  In the interview, he spoke about taking responsibility for being a “spiritual adult.”

(Susan offers two levels of membership — there is a free offering, where you get lots of amazing meditation and spiritual teachings.  And there is a for-fee “practitioner” level where you get lots of other amazing stuff like the interview with Josh.  I’m not an affiliate of Susan’s work, so no ulterior motive here.  But I hope you will check her out if it feels right.)

So, back to the concept of Spiritual Adulthood.  Let’s explore what that might look like with respect to our work here at LAT.

Here’s my commitment to you – when you come to my site, you are a guest in my virtual home.  I will make a figurative pot of coffee (or, tea, of course) and we will sit down together and talk about the stuff that holds you back from your own best life.  And I will do my best to give  you what you need to make the changes required.

Here is your commitment to yourself – you will be as honest with yourself as you can about what is the truest truth about what holds you back.  You will seek to grow in the areas that that realization reveals.  At the same time, you will seek to grow in self-trust/Source-trust.

I am a professional trouble-maker.  You bring me in when you need to recover from some trouble, or you need to create some.  In other words, I’m your girl when you need to make a Breakthrough and then craft your own personal Comeback Journey.

That’s my Secret Sauce. And I’m really REALLY good at it.

You have your own Secret Sauce.  And I can help you find that.  But always, always, ALWAYS you are your own best guru.  If someone suggests something to you that feels “off,” take a breath and consider why that is so.

Have they triggered a defense you’ve put in place to protect some wounded part of yourself that you are afraid to reveal but MUST in order to grow?  Or are they just talking crazy.  But, since “everyone” else digs the current guru-du-jour, you are wondering what the hell is wrong with you that you are a doubter.

In other words, are you a balker?

I hope so.

Here at Life After Tampons, we celebrate the kid at The Emporer’s New Clothes parade — the one who pointed out the Chosen One’s nakedness. (click to tweet)

Not because we’re mean.  But because we are loving seekers of truth.  Here’s why — The truth is the bottom-line starting place for what you need to do next.  Here at Life After Tampons, we start with the truth and build from there.

We are denial busters.  We seek to overcome our challenges and we start with the Beautiful Truth.  I want to help you do that, and if this feels right to you, please contact me here so we can begin.

And please remember this — true spiritual leaders don’t want idolatry.  They simply, humbly want to offer what they have at their disposal in service to others.

So, when it is warranted, balk away, baby.

Seek to grow along spiritual lines – please challenge yourself to move beyond your broken parts, because these things are likely getting in your way.

But at the end of the day, be your own guru.

Those of us who practice an integrated spiritual approach to business and life don’t want worshippers.  It’s not good business.

And it’s not what’s best for humanity, either.

Love, Jen

P.S.  Here’s that link again for how we could work together.

photo: flickr, entirelysubjective